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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I Have No Idea What That Cat’s Up To

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) has gone too far this time.

Last night, Liza took a phone call in front of me. (That is not the gone-too-far part.)

I left the room, partly out of consideration and partly out of confusion.

Not that she actually said anything. She was clearly listening, however, and paced from one end of the living room to the other.

When I came back into the living room, I surprised her in the act of lifting my car keys. One paw was closing the clasp to my purse as she stuffed my car keys into her backpack with the other one.

We stared at each other as she backed out of the room. Neither one of us said a word.

It’s not, after all, the first time she’s taken the car.

I went to bed shortly after that. She’s fully grown. She can do what she wants. True, she should’ve asked for permission to use the car, but she tends to return it with a full tank. With the way gas prices have been lately, I’ve been willing to overlook her rudeness.

I heard her pull up at 4:00. I waited until 4:15 until I went outside.

I started the car, primarily because it’s dreadfully cold at 4:15 but also because everywhere she goes she leaves CDs. I used to find cigarette butts – and I’m so glad she quit smoking! – but now it’s music. I find that her taste in music often lends insight into what she’s up to.

Sure as hell, Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. That seems about right.

But if her choice in music didn’t surprise me, what I found in the backseat did.

Scuba gear. What is all this stuff? A rubber suit, flippers, two tanks – why two tanks? Was someone with her? Who dives in Minnesota in November?

By the time I came back in the house, she was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. Again: silence. She watched me take off my coat, and by the time I’d gone to the bathroom to collect my wits in private, she was where she always is at 4:30 in the morning: curled up behind Willie’s knees. Willie snored softly. I crawled back into bed.

Willie didn’t move, but I saw Liza Bean Bitey’s half-lidded eyes glinting in the dark.


Lynda said...

Ok (damn that sandwich was good!) so there are several things that are an instant turn off when speed dating/blog reading... kids.. all kids (even my own) and cats... usually people that write about cats are a bit odd.. actually, I think you fit that profile, perfectly, but I am hooked now.. and laughing myself stupid... ok so maybe it was the 3 sake's... but it WAS my birthday last week too!

Pearl said...

Hi, Lynda.
I never meant to be a cat person -- and will deny that I am! -- but that damn cat has just turned my life upside down.

Plus she's cuddly and tiny and terribly neat.

Hoping you hold your liquor better than the cat does,

Ann Imig said...

I don't know, Pearl. You might want to consider having her sign a behavioral contract. You know, you agree to pick her up if shes too drunk to drive, no questions asked...Can she write? And by all means WATCH THE HELL OUT FOR TOONCES!

Barbara Blundell said...

Pearl. I think I know what she's been up to.Yesterday I went to our German Supermarket and there was a strange feline on the prowl.She was wearing a grey,hooded,baggy tracksuit and carrying a duffel bag and she looked very suspicious. Her feet were bare. She was eyeing up the tinned food but was having a problem as she doesn't know the German for salmon. Trying to be helpful I said, "Just a minute, I'll call Bruno my Rottweiler. He'll know " When I turned round she'd scarpered. I went to get the frozen chips for R.s tea and there she was again just about to make off with a frozen lobster.When she saw me she turned tail and fled. I think I caught something about more solubrious company and Harrods Food Hall
Could this have been Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys )

(I don't have a Rottweiler but she doesn't know this )

Pearl said...

Hi, Ann.
That's a good idea, although she rarely drinks and drives but prefers to take a taxi.

She and Toonces are no longer on speaking terms. Something about a catnip deal gone bad.

Hi, Barbara!
Lobster? Seriously? That little...

If I can get to a scanner, I just so happen to have the picture that may prove you on to something.


Ann Imig said...

That's good because Toonces passengers never make it out alive. Then again, she has nine lives. Then again, has anyone heard from Victoria Jackson?

Debbie said...

Funny, funny post. I found you through Lost and Found in India.

poosemommy said...

Liza Bean Bitey is definitely up to no good.

♥ Braja said...

Pearl & Barbara: this is a cat racket and you know it. I went for a walk down to the river yesterday and the same car that Ms Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) had picked me up in for lunch was there, door open, engine running...and full of cats. Liza was nowhere to be seen. I saw a grey hoodie on the floor of the passenger's side, though.

And an empty pack of Galoise. That girl is up to somethin' Pearl, and it's high time you got her pinned on it.

Pearl said...

Hi, Ann.
Victoria is looking particularly chubby and doing interviews on what it was like to be on SNL in their not-very-funny years. Seriously.

Hi, Debbie.
I'm glad you think so! Stop by any time. I post every day but Sunday by 9:00 a.m. Minneapolis Time. I still post on Sundays, bu the likelihood of me doing it with a hangover increases ever so slightly.

Hi, Braja!
I can see it now, their little tails a-twitching.
And you're right about the Galoise. I think she still smokes when she's been drinking...


KMcJoseph said...

I had this same problem. She's probably an international jewel thief. Occam's Razor.