I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Critics Rave: Paps, Pedis, and Pubs Changes Everything!

Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon.

We’re not looking at it properly, people! I mean, it’s a pretty cut-and-dried situation, isn’t it; and once the results are in, you either get a letter or a phone call, right? So why so serious?

And so in an effort to maximize the experience, Mary and I, in conjunction with Two White Chicks Cleaning, have a plan.

Sit down. Sip your water. Now clear your mind.

Paps, Pedis, and Pub.

Follow me now. We’re thinking you can leave your shirt on and slip into one of our tear-away flannel pants.

Go ahead – have a seat.

Please note that the chair is on wheels, the pedicure basins on either side of the chair. The temperature okay for you? There’s a pouch in the front: the questionnaire you filled out ahead of the appointment determines if you find chocolates, beef jerky, or chewing tobacco in there.

Of course there’ll be a package deal including all three: chocolates, beef jerky, and chewing tobacco; but I’m not prepared to give away the details of our Valentines Day package just yet.

So you know those drive-over, in-the-ground bays at the oil-change places? Well those figure into the process. As I said, the chair is on wheels, and like the oil-change technicians, that’s where we’ll be keeping the medical professionals: down in the bay. Oh, it’s all on the up-and-up. I mean, there are people in white coats, heat lamps... We can talk about the finer points, if you’re interested.

You’re offered a choice of musical selections and one of those hats that holds beverages (coffee, tea, water, select beers and wines). You also have the option of drinking out of a mug, as well, but what the heck. It’s a party, right?

Already, I’m excited. Think of the promotional drives: Bring in a friend and knock half off the cost of your next Pap and pedicure!

And does anyone else see the Speedy Reward Points possibilities?

For cryin’ out loud, man, the advertising campaign has fantastic potential!

Mary is working with the Small Business Administration on securing a loan as we speak. We can show you the business plan she’s working on, if you like.

The opportunities for success here are outrageous.

26 comments:

Shelly said...

Just the thought of my doc down in the bay made me choke, I laughed so hard.

Tell Mary to hustle that Small Business Stuff through.

Can you work in a dentist station, too, so that could be taken care of at the same time?

jabblog said...

Anything to relieve the boredom would be acceptable.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

With your permission, I would love to share this with my girlfriend. She would get quite the kick out of it lol.

Joanne Noragon said...

The best (worst) of this vision--there are places it would work.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
It's a plan. Here's to funding! YAM xx

Geo. said...

What a delightfully odd idea! But what if somebody pulls a car in there by mistake? You're going to need a one-way spike treadle like the old drive-in movie exits.

jenny_o said...

Distraction of any kind would be a godsend!

fishducky said...

Can I help fund you for a piece of the action? I'm always in the market for a good business opportunity!!

Delores said...

Regardless of all the frills and distractions offered there is simply no way to make the pap part of the appointment palatable. Just NO WAY.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Can't wait to see what you think up for colonoscopy appointments.

Timothy Hecht said...

Grandma beat me to it. Colonoscopy Pedis, and Pubs for the men. Maybe we could squeeze a Cheeseburger in there somewhere.

Indigo Roth said...

Ooh! OOH! I think there may be an opportunity for you to service the guys too: procto, porn, pizza and pub?

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

We only get to go once a year? Also, the option to upgrade to a massage chair on wheels would be super nice.
I'm in.

Eva Gallant said...

Pure Genius!

Launna said...

Haha Pearl, it looks like you and Mary are always thinking and brain storming... :)

Barbara Rosenzweig said...

Love this post!

Thanks for visiting and enjoying my painting process! There's more to come.

bill lisleman said...

I remember this post because you left a comment related it over at my blog. Of course I don't remember when or what post that was.

Daisy said...

Tea and chocolates for me, please! :)

Rose L said...

I bet the Valentine package will have candy panties, whip cream, and a cherry!

River said...

But will you have locations throughout Australia too??

Mitchell is Moving said...

I've never really understood this annual rite that women perform. What the hell is "pap" and why would you want to smear it?!?

But, I think the hat is a great idea.

jeanie said...

Can we get the baps squeezed at the same time?

the walking man said...

Add in a prostrate exam and I will not only be a customer but an investor as well.

Simply Suthern said...

Skip the Small Business folks. Put it on Kickstarter.

Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

I could go for this only if there were plenty of alcohol, and a taxi to take me home after.
I hate the annual pap, and unfortunately I have it scheduled next month.
I'll forward your ideas along, and see what happens!

Daisy said...

My investment cheque is in the mail! But I'll never again be able to look at my doctor without laughing.
Daisy's Barbara