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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Part V and Finale: My But That’s a Nice Collar You Have There, Liza Bean, or You Naughty, Sneaky Kitty


Welcome to the final installment of my latest foray into the seedy, underhanded world of Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).  We’ve pondered the appearance of a number of packages from “Zurich Imports”, we’ve agreed to lend the cat the car, we’ve caught the cat primping before a meeting with the mysterious Louis B. Mewling, and we’ve been silly enough to get out of bed and join the cats at a party.

We’ve gone this far…



“You must be Louis.”

In response, the large orange cat in front of me pulls out a chair, sits next to Liza Bean.  “I love the new collar,” he says to her. 

To my horror, Liza Bean Bitey, the cat who once dismissed a suitor with words “You ARE the weakest link.  Good-bye.”, wrinkles her nose at him coquettishly.  “As beautiful as the others,” she fawns. 

He turns his gaze to me.  “Have you brought them, Pearl?”

“Me?”  I say.  “Brought what?”

Louis leans back in the club chair, turns his attention to his paw, where he casually examines his claws one by one.  “Four collars?”

I look at Liza.  What?

Liza Bean leans forward, lays a cool and striped paw atop his.  “Tonight, Louis?  I thought tomorrow would be best.”

“I wanted,” he says, slowly, tiny, sharp teeth exposed, “to see you in them tonight.”

I frown.  I’ve just barely started my second drink – delivered by an underweight cat with a chewed ear – but surely I’m not drunk.  “Them?  Them collars?  What are –“

And that’s when the doors burst open.

The crowd turns, momentarily stunned, by the sight of two police officers ducking through the low door.  “Drinks down; hands in the air!”

You would think the police would know better.

What follows is a cacophony of sound, of cats yowling, of chairs being scraped back on a hardwood floor, the sound of 30, 40 cats without regard for authority high-tailing it for the exit. 

In the background, the Chihuahua with the accordion begins to howl.

The police, however, have eyes for only Louis and Liza. 

“Louis B. Mewling?  Liza Bean Bitey?”

Louis puts both paws in the air with a defeated sigh. 

Liza Bean, however, merely smiles.  “Officer?”

I step forward, heart pounding.  “What’s going on here?”

A tall cop with a cheesy moustache directs a stern gaze at me.  “Who are you?”

“I’m Liza Bean’s own–“

Liza Bean clears her throat.

I correct myself.  “I’m Liza Bean’s companion animal,” I say dryly.  “Can I help you?”

Officer Cheesy smiles.  “We’ve reason to believe that Louis here has been shipping stolen diamonds to Liza from Switzerland.  Louis, you’re under arrest.”

My mouth drops open.

I shut it.

“I – I –“

“Officer,” Liza Bean.  “I believe I can help you.”

Now Louis’s mouth drops open.

He fails to close it.

Liza reaches under her left arm, produces three small velvet collars bristling with kaleidoscopic light.

Diamonds.

“Liza Bean!” I blurt.

“Jig’s up, Louis,” Liza Bean says sardonically.  “That will teach you to leave me stranded in Bratislava.”

Bratislava!  When in the world will I discover what happened in Bratislava?

Louis’s mouth remains open.

“Cuff him, boys,” says Cheesy.

Liza Bean smiles beatifically up at the officer.  “Am I free to go?”

He grins at her.  “Until next time?”

The cat touches the brim of an imaginary hat.  “Always a pleasure,” she says.

And we step through the door and out into the night.



By the time we reach the car, my heart has slowed to a light gallop.  “I don’t understand,” I say piteously.

And Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a cat listed in The Peerage of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and a silver medalist in the long distance slink, removes her collar, twists it, and puts it back on.

And the diamonds that stud it sparkle under the parking lot lights. 

“The fourth collar,” I whisper.

She nods, pulls a pack of menthol cigarettes from under her left arm. 

“You work for the police?”

She taps the side of her nose.

I start the car, put it into reverse, then think of something else.

“Why did you ask me here tonight, Liza?”

The cat lights her cigarette, tosses the spent match out the open passenger window.

“Well you didn’t expect me to drive home drunk, did you?”

34 comments:

fmcgmccllc said...

Please tell me the pink diamonds were real and she kept those. I adore pink diamonds.

Indigo Roth said...

Biff! Zock! Kapow!

Sorted. Nicely played, Pearl =)

Roth x

Indigo Roth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
joeh said...

You are wonderfully insane!

Pearl said...

fmcgmc -- the pink ones are actually fakes. :-) Now the REAL diamonds in her collar -- those are canary. :-) Of course.

Indigo, thank you, sir! :-)

Pearl said...

joeh, this explains our bond. :-)

haphazardlife said...

Please tell Liza Bean that if ever she tires of Minneapolis, Montreal awaits her.

Eva Gallant said...

We are dying to know about Bratslavia!

Pearl said...

haphazard, I believe she's still welcome in Canada. :-) I will pass the info along.

Eva, me, too! :-)

Shelly said...

You never disappoint, my friend!

Pearl said...

Shelly, :-) Thank you.

Joanne Noragon said...

My stomach actually lurched when the police raided. And it's still an hour to lunch. I don't know who did better, you or Liza.

Pearl said...

Joanne, we all win when Liza Bean works with the police. :-)

Leenie said...

This explains a lot about BOTH of you.

jenny_o said...

"Companion animal" - made me smile!

Great ending! I hope the po-leece aren't TOTALLY fooled by Liza Bean's "cooperation" though ... we all know how cats are, and LB is all that and more.

fishducky said...

I ALWAYS love your posts, especially when you write about the kitties, but this one blew me away!! You are one helluva writer, Pearl!!

Suldog said...

I plain adore the cat stories. Incredibly original, humor from out on the edge, a willingness to trust your readers to have the intelligence to get all jokes, and just good flat out storytelling. As these sorts of things go, I rank your stories right up there with archy and mehitabel.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Brwwahhhhhaaaa "can't drive home drunk.."

wwahhaaiiiissss.... COL.... (BREATH YAM.. )

Warning to all readers - Pearl WILL take your breath away. with the assistance of a few mates...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

So as Liza's (ahem) 'companion animal' and chauffeur....do you get a cut of the diamonds?

Geo. said...

"...silver medalist in the long distance slink." I'm pretty sure there's no such event but part of my brain insists on imagining it, believing it. I trust you use this power for purposes of goodness.

Daisy said...

Brava! Ms Lisa and Ms Pearl!

vanilla said...

Rollicking good tale wonderfully told.

Susan Kane said...

Oh, I do love a good twist.

Jacquelineand.... said...

What a wonderful twist, loved it!

sage said...

Pearl, I've been meaning to ask you what's in your koolaid, or is it the brownies? Great story!

Gigi said...

WOW! I did not see that coming!

Buttons said...

Glad to see she is still welcome in Canada:) Oh I would love to be in your head for a day:) Hold on I think I have already 1-5:) Thank you B

Michele Eigler said...

The way you talk about Liza Bean it almost makes me want to get a cat. Great story.

HermanTurnip said...

Jury: We, the jury, find Louis B. Mewling...not guilty!

Judge: Not guilty?! On what grounds?

Jury: On the grounds that...that...that he looks so adorable in those tiny handcuffs, your honor.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

You rock! I loved the ending.

Elephant's Child said...

Liza B encapsulates (with your assistance) the reason that cats have my heart. Mega thanks.

River said...

Now there's a surprise ending-Liza Bean working with the Police!
Will we ever find out what happened in Bratislavia?

Pearl said...

Thank you for all the kind comments. While I am still wearing wristguards for both lousy, non-compliant wrists (aka Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) I wanted to stop in and say "thank you".

Will we ever find out what happened in Bratislava? Oh, I think so. :-)

Daisy said...

Oh that Liza is so sneaky and so mysterious! I'm glad to hear that justice will be served. :-)