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Friday, December 14, 2012

Good-Bye, Joe, Me Gotta Go, Me-Oh-My-Oh

It's all Bitey, all the time!

In celebration of my recently published book "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats", a re-post from early 2011, when the air was clearer, the children respectful, and the traffic lights were all in my favor...

See the PayPal link to the right to order my book in time for Christmas!

Liza Bean Bitey – of the Minneapolis Biteys – a delightfully small-pawed cat with a penchant for umbrella-ed drinks; tiny dollops of cream presented on garage-sale china saucers; and BBC World News, is looking for a job.

And while the rest of the Midwest struggles to fill its job-interview dance cards, the cat’s resume seems to have piqued the interest of the Human Resources business community.

My phone’s been ringing off the hook.

“Good morning, this is Pearl.”

“May I speak with Pearl?”


“Ah, yes. You’ve been listed as a reference for a Miss Liza Bean Bitey –“

“ – of the Minneapolis Biteys,” I interject.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Proceed.”

“As I say,” she continues, her lips audibly pursing, “you’ve been listed as a reference for a Liza Bean Bitey. Can we talk about her qualifications for the position of Media Relations Specialist?”

Media Relations?

“Of course,” I say. I find it best to play along when faced with the ridiculous.

“One of the things we are looking for in a Media Relations Specialist is the ability to present reality in its best possible light. The position for which Liza Bean has applied would include on-camera work. In your experience, does Liza Bean have the ability to give the impression of truthfulness and/or sincerity?”

I reflect back on this morning. Liza Bean was sitting on the table, licking her whiskers thoughtfully, when I came into the kitchen for my lunch. Packed the night before in contemplation of the fog that often goes along with any day that starts at 5:30, I recall wondering, dimly, what she was doing up so early. I ran down the front steps, lunch bag bouncing against my yoga bag, the last thing I heard as I locked the front door was her voice, singing: “Son of a gun we’re gonna have big fun on the bayou…”It wasn’t until I was on the bus that I realized the full implications of the song, and I knew what I would find before I opened the bag.

My jambalaya had been replaced with Meow Mix.

Liza Bean Bitey has always enjoyed my jambalaya.

“Liza Bean is the very face of sincerity,” I say, meaningfully. “She is a political animal, and you would be hard-pressed to find a cat who exudes more charm.”

“Very nice, very nice…” the woman at the other end of the line is writing this down.

The questions went on: Did Liza Bean Bitey have any compunction against bending the truth when required?  Had she ever done any time in a federal penitentiary? Was I aware of any black marks on her record that would restrict her travel, outside of her inability, as noted on her resume, to work within Bratislava?

Coming out of my mouth, no words could be sweeter than those describing Liza Bean. Perfect for the Marketing and Public Relations world, to hear me tell it, no cat is more sincere, sharper, believable, or photogenic than the very cat applying for the job.

By the end of the interview, the woman on the other end and I were fast friends, and she thanked me for my time, enthusiastic about the chance to personally interview Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

That cat wants a job, she’s gonna get one.

That’ll teach her to steal my lunch.


Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"I find it best to play along when faced with the ridiculous."
:) Made my day.
She stole your jambalaya? Why, that little...

Vicus Scurra said...

On this side of the ocean, getting your pets involved in something as hideous as marketing carries a mandatory 3 year prison term.

Anonymous said...

Hey...maybe she'll earn enough to take YOU out for lunch...

Leenie said...

Heh heh. Don't steal Pearl's jambalaya. Even Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) should know that. On the other hand, have you tried Meow Mix? It may not be too bad with something smooth to wash it down.

Eva Gallant said...

Loved this!

vanilla said...

Oh, I can't recommend her too highly!

fishducky said...

I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to steal--I mean replace--jambalaya for Meow Mix!

Geo. said...

Liza is to be commended for honestly admitting "inability...to work within Bratislava", which I think might be a Turkish pastry.

Jono said...

"does Liza Bean have the ability to give the impression of truthfulness and/or sincerity?” Does the bear poop in the woods? Why she is the very epitome of sincerity. If you can't believe a cat who can you believe?

Kana said...

Vengeance through support! You are insidious, Pearl. I never would've thought of that one...

Inspector Clouseau said...

Old enough to run for political office?

jenny_o said...

Maybe the jambalaya will give her indigestion.

Nah. Cats have notoriously strong gastrointestinal systems.

I hope you bought lunch :)

Stephen Hayes said...

How is it that you make a cat so much more "human" than most writers writing about humans?

River said...

Meow Mix is probably highly nutritious and could be quite palatable with the addition of hot gravy.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I do !! I do !!

( says the lady in the back jumping up and down and waving her arms )

I have been known to be a weiner in my life, maybe this is my Big Chance !

love you. from hot & sunny Argentina, C

Kathleen McCoy said...

Liza Bean is such a slick character! She'll excel in PR. Can hardly wait to read your new book about Liza Bean's and Dolly's adventures!