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Monday, April 18, 2011

He’s Just Jealous He Doesn’t Get to Wear Boots Anymore

T has been talking about his tan lines.

You remember T, don’t you? The man who developed a lawn fixation, a man who suspects his socks of sedition, the man who believes he may have discovered the home-made pancake?

The man who abandoned Minnesota for Florida?

“You should see me. I am so beautiful,” he says to me recently. “I am the color of brown that makes women swoon.”

“Women are falling over?”

“On to their backs,” he chuckles.

“You haven’t been making them those pancakes, have you?”

“Hey! We don’t talk like that,” he says. There is a slight pause in the conversation. “Seriously, you’d have thought that the alcohol would’ve cooked out…”

“T!” I shout.

“Nah,” he says, laughing. “I’ve been cleared of all charges. Those pancakes are completely on the up and up.”

There is another pause as we both consider the possibility of drugged pancakes.

“Still,” he says. “I am a deep, dark brown.”

“Dude,” I say. “I swear that’s all you talk about. You and your tanned hide. What’s up with you, Mr. Just Another Day in Paradise? Why do you hate Whitey?”

He chokes, laughing. “What?!”

“Since you moved to Florida a little over a year ago, that’s all you talk about is how brown you are. Seriously, man. Embrace your Caucasian-ness.”

“Oh, you Yankees,” he chortles. “Always hatin’ on the brown-skinned man.”

“Oh, shut up,” I say, irritably. “You only wish your legs were white and pink and blue. Who’s the bigger patriot, huh? Who’s got the pink white and blue legs? Me, that’s who. I’m practically a walking flag up here.”

“Been there, done that,” he says generously. His voice has taken on a paternal tone, as if addressing someone who has refused to see the light despite having his big brown finger point the way.

“Did you get my picture?” he asks. “The one of my feet?”




“Is that what that is? I thought it was a picture of a hobbit trying on a saddle shoe.”

T sighs. “That doesn’t make any sense,” he says sorrowfully.

“It’s all I got,” I mutter.

“Why you little…” he threatens.

“Why I oughta…” I counter.

The conversation again goes quiet.

It’s hard to argue with a man who will be swimming in the ocean later in the day.

But I keep at it.

49 comments:

powdergirl said...

Sad day Pearl,
There is a find dusting of SNOW on my truck. D you think that if I go to Florida I could stay with T? I tan up real quick so I'll blend in very nicely...

George said...

I thought hobbit too.

Simply Suthern said...

Dont cha just feel sorry for him. I bet he has sand all in his house.

I by the way am a nice natural pancake color.

haphazardlife said...

I'd like to have a tanned brown hide. Unfortunately my hide would be a lovely crimson hue. But I would suffer the crimson in order to not see lots of snow falling on April 16. That was just so many levels of wrong.

- Jazz

Kittie Howard said...

Poor guy. He's gonna look like a prune.

Big Fat Gini said...

Sometimes I think I might like Florida. But I don't think I could handle seeing a bunch of people walking around with flip-flop tan lines (hello, you live by the beach!). Unless it's me because of a mishap at a garage sale. Then it's totally acceptable.

Desperate Housemommy said...

A Hobbit trying on a saddle shoe.

I am off to find a way to insert this into my casual conversation today. That is outstanding.

Grant said...

I don't get the appeal of the ocean. It's like being in the office except there is no A/C or nearby sandwich shops and there is a much greater chance of being devoured by squid.

Joe's blog said...

I go on vacation to Italy on Friday and I really hope that my Blackberry works there so I can read your posts on the beach.
:-)
Wish you a nice day.

Little Ms Blogger said...

You could have come back with: Have you started going to dinner at 4:30?

Daisy said...

I'm inpressed with how straight his toes are ... no bunions or corns showing. Bet it's from all that beach walking.

Happy vacation in Italy Joe.

Oilfield Trash said...

Some days I wish I had sand in my house.

Pearl said...

Powdergirl, it snowed here Friday night. Gone by 10:30 on Saturday, but now we’re expecting snow Tuesday night. I want to scream: FOUR seasons! It’s FOUR seasons!
And I’ll bet you could stay at T’s. Tell him Pearl sent ya.

George, it’s that big toe, isn’t it? Looks like he could open doors with those feet…

Simply, there IS a lot of sand at his house. And fire ants, from what I hear.

Jazz, I can get a looks-like-the-turkey-is-done color, but it fades pretty fast.

Kittie, he’s been there a little over a year now and he certainly has gained a lot of wrinkles. He’s still pretty good-looking, though!

BFG, ha! I find Florida strange, especially the part he’s in, because the majority of people are retired and/or quite elderly and they’re all a dark brown. You can be at the grocery store, even on a weekend, and see no children at all…

DH, I hope you find that chance – and when you do, let us know!

Grant, squid?!! Holy Hannah. I did a whole post the last time I went to visit him based on being bumped by a fish. This Minnesota girl does not like to imagine fish bigger than she is. Shoot, we were down at some dock and a couple of dolphins blow-holed their way by and I just about jumped out of my skin!

Joe, oh, I hope it works, too. And ITALY?! Wow. Beaches in Italy. Sounds like a love song…

Eva Gallant said...

I'd give brown man the raspberry!

leeann said...

It doesn't count unless he can do the velvet-voiced "hello, ladies." We've all been spoiled by that.

Laoch of Chicago said...

God it is snowing today. Will spring ever come?

Pearl said...

Little Ms., DANG IT!!! :-)

Daisy, is that you, puppy? :-) He does have straight toes, doesn't he? Never wrestle that guy if he's barefoot -- I'll bet those toes are some sort of secret weapon.

Oilfield, I am, at times, secretly jealous...

Pearl said...

leeann, rats. Actually, I believe he CAN do that...

Laoch, I bleieve the answer to that is "no". There will be a sunny day in July and then the leaves that have managed to bud will fall off and we'll go straight back into fall again...

Pearl said...

Eva, how did I miss you? :-)
Pbbbbbbbltttt. :-) That's the raspberry you're thinking of, yes?

Sausage Fingers said...

Ah yes my fellow brother and sun god worshiper, is this the dude from the west coast - Anna Maria Island area?
When are you bringing you pasty butt down south?
see ya on the sand
Cheers, Sausage...

laughingmom said...

Just remind him that the sun will turn him into a withered prune but your skin will still be soft as a baby's bottom!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I am whitey.

I never thought, however, that my skin might indeed be indicative of my own level of personal patriotism.

I used to tan really, really well. With a fervor, dedication and perseverance that now makes my pasty white skin blush, in an angry, sunburned kind of way.

I miss being brown.

Once you've gone black...

you always regret going back.

Pasty white is NOT soul-satisfying.

Douglas said...

It is sad to see such jealousy in one so otherwise tolerant.

I am not now tanned brown... except for the regions which are commonly exposed to Mother Sol. That would be halfway down my upper arm to my fingertips and between a point about midway down my thighs to about 3 inches above my ankles. But I once was all brown, dark rust colored, everywhere except where my bathing suit covered. Id have been all tanned but they did not allow nude surfing in the mid-60s.

So you pasty-whites with skin that resembles cottage cheese are just envious.

And I consider T my bro'

Pearl said...

Sausage, yes, indeed. :-) He's over on Bradenton Beach and one of the sous chefs at Margaritaville... I hope to come down soon. Surely we could meet for a beer or two!

laughingmom, the comparisons between a Minnesotan's non-sunned skin and that of someone who is in a tropical sun is amazing. It's a completely different look altogether.

Susan, I miss brown, too. Remember tanning using baby oil? I do. :-)

Pearl said...

Douglas, I stand by my intolerant rib-jabbing of T. :-)

Not So Simply Single said...

A couple of days in Maui, and this will no longer be a problem!

Ha!

Lisa

Pearl said...

NOSS, I'm thinking that with a couple of days in Maui and there are no problems at all! Lucky you!!

Gaston Studio said...

Calm yourself Pearl and think of how all wrinkly T will look when he gets older. Now sigh with relief!

Jimmy said...

Ahhh, a tonic in written form once more Pearl.

Happy Frog and I said...

I also thought Hobbit. I loved the pauses in the conversation as well as the conversation itself. Very appealing in its oddness. :-)

lesinfin said...

Hahaha! You always make me laugh. And I hope your friend is wearing sunscreen!
xoxo

becca said...

cute post and wow tan lines on his feet who knew

TALON said...

It's hard not to be jealous of anyone who isn't schlepping around in a winter coat still (we won't even discuss winter-white legs). :)

Boom Boom Larew said...

T gets the beach and we get freakin' snow? There's no justice!

Gigi said...

I, too, am awfully jealous of T and I don't even have any snow or cold. But certainly not warm enough to garner tan lines yet. Any why, yes, I DO remember using baby oil to help the tan along!

Kipp said...

I have a golfers tan. The other day I was out in the yard barefooted. My wife screams at me "Why are you walking around in your socks?"
"I am not wearing any socks."
"Oh"
It made me start thinking about the last time my feet saw sunlight. Maybe 1998?
I promise not to send a picture. =)

Glen said...

great feet to be fair...

there is a small possibility that sounded a bit gay

Kickboxing Los Angeles said...

For someone who boasts about how tan he is, you would think that he would have worked toward getting rid of the awkward flip-flop lines. Have you thought about making Jersey Shore comments at him? Those are always good, self-esteem blows.

Nessa Roo said...

Hobbits are generally insufferably cheerful. It's a good thing you are on your toes with the arguing. Universal balnce and all that...

David L Macaulay said...

love the hobbit line - Florida sort of appeals, but only in a two week kind of way

Belgie said...

It’s like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with some pictures to drive the message home a bit, but other than that, this is great blog. A great read. Ill definitely be back.

On My Soapbox said...

Uh oh! Hope he doesn't end up looking like a catcher's mitt....

lifeshighway said...

His feet may be brown but why is he frolicking in flour?

Dr. Cynicism said...

"I thought it was a picture of a hobbit trying on a saddle shoe.” Cracked. Me. Up. Regardless of whether it makes sense.

Tempo said...

I have a friend that farms, he NEVER wears anything but shorts and looks quite funny with work boots, long work sox and blue work shorts (Aussie style) As a result his legs are very dark and his feet completely white. I'd get a pic but I'm not sure how to do that without giving the plot away. His feet are only uncovered as he heads for the shower at the end of the day and I dont want to hang out in the showers with a camera you understand... He makes T look pale

IndigoWrath said...

I have no truck with tanning. I'm gloriously white, with a hint of blue that I inherited from my Scottish ancestors. The women always swoon at that, too. Well, when I say swoon, I mean....

Drake Sigar said...

I have never seen the appeal of lathering myself in cooking oil and getting a tan. Maybe you could blend in with the urban community, but apart from that it’s a completely frivolous fad which like most frivolous fads, is damaging to your health. Here’s hoping we bring lead paint makeup back.

Pat said...

I suppose fake tan's out of the question?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

What is this "suntan" of which he speaks? "Sun?" "Tan?"