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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Another Incident Involving Pants

T, the man who left the variable and sometimes violent climes of Minnesota for the appallingly warm lands of Florida, called to report that his pants have revolted.

My brain rolled over.

“That’s revolted,” he quickly repeated.

Ah, well, he knows me, doesn’t he, knew that my mind was spinning with ways in which to agree with him that his wardrobe could be considered revolting.

We are, after all, talking about a man who owns a tee-shirt that says, “It’s Not Going to Lick Itself”.

Poor T. The move has not been easy for him: there are limited employment opportunities on an island; free-roaming geckoes, everywhere; gangs of sea birds swirl overhead, mocking him.

The distance between Minnesota and Florida is not always measured with an odometer.

“I’ve looked everywhere,” he said.

“We’re still talking about your pants, right?”

He sighed. “Yes. They were here one minute…” he sighed again.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “Have you been drinking?”

“No. Well, yes. But that’s not it…” he paused. “I just thought we had something special, you know?”

“Are we still talking about your pants?”

“Yes, dammit! I mean, we had an agreement! We would go to work, we would have some beers on the couch! I loved those pants! They were hardly stained and the crotch wasn’t even blown out!”

He went silent.

“It’s because I’m doing day labor, isn’t it? It’s because I haven’t found full-time work. Pearl, what if my pants have left me for someone who has more going on?”

I resisted the urge to enter into a conversation around what may or may not be going on in his pants.

“Look,” I said. “Do you have another pair of pants?”

A rather defeated-sounding sigh: “Yes.”

“Go talk to them,” I said. “You know your pants would never be able to keep a secret. See if your other pants know what’s up.”

I received a call several hours later by a relieved T, who found his favorite pants mixed in with another pair of pants under his bed. Things still seemed a bit muddled, but suffice it to say that there may have been some sort of interrupted rendezvous wherein the pants had suddenly found themselves surrounded by a mob of single, mismatched socks who were, oddly enough, planning a revolt.

T was downright cheerful.

“Did you know those pants were gay? I didn’t!” he chuckled briefly. “I mean, it’s not like they were pleated, you know what I mean?”

There was a pause as he took a drink.

“I threw them out immediately, of course. The socks, I mean, not the pants. I’ve never truly trusted socks, and now I know why.” There was another pause. “Do you think that maybe I instinctively had a distrust of socks for this very reason?”

I said nothing but smiled over the phone.

From the sounds of it, T was smiling, too.

“I’m just so glad everything is back to normal, aren’t you?”

I smiled again.

Glad? Yes.


Sure. Why not.


Charlie said...

I personally believe that socks make the man—they are a visible statement of his who-ness.

Unless, that is, socks are all he is wearing. There is nothing more stupid-looking in the world than a naked man in socks.

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh. I love reading your blog. That is why I have am awesome kick ass award for you on my blog (tomorrow). Please come by tomorrow and "pick it up"!

ellen abbott said...

sounds normal to me.

furiousBall said...

i am helicoptering my junk in approval

a Broad said...

In the summer, in Buenos Aires, you would be hard pressed to find a man wearing a pair of socks.

Nice manly tanned ankles showing ... a little sexy.

If he got rid of the socks and kept the pants, the pants might be more content. . or at least, less revolting.
or maybe not.

powdergirl said...

I feel for T. My pants are always going missing. Usually I find that Irene(housekeeper) has hung them in my younger son's room. Apparently, as the husband has been known to state, I'm built like a 12 year old boy : / sigh.

I'm glad it worked out for T. though, I'd hate to think of him wandering around Fla with nothing but that t-shirt and one lone sock on. Well, I guess that lone sock would help quite a bit, if he innovated sensibly : )

Aria said...

I'll bet those pants didn't have paisley's on them either, so there was no way he could have known. Which is why I've adopted a don't ask, don't tell platform with all of my clothing.

Anonymous said...

I've seen multiple articles of clothing that ran away and unsuccessfully revolted.

They're usually on the side of the road, mangled and muddied...with a cardboard sign that reads, 'Hollywood or Bust'.


Sam Liu said...

That has to be one of the most entertaining and bizarre conversations it has ever been my delight to read :D

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Whew! Crisis averted and guerilla socks put in the bin. Because, you know, the next thing would have been a fuzzy photo on the side of every Tide Detergent Box. I'm sorry to hear of his near-mutiny but he could have saved himself some hand wringing if he had listened to "The Man" - pants on the ground - really, he should have known!

Marla said...

Like it or not, there is an award for you at Butts and Ashes, Pearl. You have been duly warned. :-)

Jeanne said...

Florida is like that. In northern climes, clothing behaves itself, but you get down there where it's warm all the time, and crazy stuff happens.

GTChristie said...

It's especially disconcerting to vacation in Florida & discover that clothes do things down there they'd never do otherwise. You can tell, though. They sneak back in, but in the morning they look too frazzled & also won't talk about it.

(& you are the greatest hoot ... reading you has tightened my abs by 10% in a month from laughing.)

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha! "Pleated" really had me chuckling. Funny stuff, as always.

Kavi said...

Am absolutely delighted that the interpol wasnt alerted !

Oh yes, i would like to strike this deal with some of my pants as well. Hmm !

Hilarious. As usual !

The Jules said...

Heh. Pants. Americans are funny.

In a proper British stylee, we are often so proud of our socks that we like display them by wearing them with sandals.

Hilary said...

I'm not surprised that he's not sure of what happened. I'm sure he asked but pants really know when to zip it. ;)

Funny story, Pearl. Thanks for the smiles. :)

Douglas said...

That's where my socks went!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

You freakin' ALWAYS crack me up, Pearl.

Anonymous said...

He sounds quite frankly, amazing!

ICKY said...

Honestly....he is amazing.