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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

If I've Learned Anything; or Bartender? One for My Friend Here

“I feel like I’m having a hard day.”

“You feel like you’re having a hard day? Or you are having a hard day?”

“I are having a hard day.”

“Well just how hard a day has it been? I mean, has there been math involved? Has the word “platypus” entered into it at all?”

T, the man who tired of lawn work and took up cooking, the man who lost his pants to a raiding pair of socks in Florida, the man who delights in messing with my head, is on the phone trying to determine why I feel my day is hard.

To his credit, he has kept his comments out of the gutter.

“I don’t know. The weather, maybe. The lack of sun. The skyways – did you know they’re full of people walking slowly, four abreast? That they’re full of people in sweatshirts with tiny sleigh bells sewn onto them?”

“I’ve heard,” he says.

“Full of ‘em.”

“So you say,” he says.

There was a woman on the bus at the end of the day yesterday with three children in tow. While the bus crawled down the center of two lanes that, through the gradual deposit of five more inches of snow throughout the day had become just one, I watched her kids change seats every three minutes, sing “The Wheels On the Bus” five times and generally cause the other bus riders to turn their iPods up and pretend to be elsewhere.

The woman was not happy about it, but did nothing; and thus ensured that others felt her unhappiness.

There are so many reasons for feeling a bit down in December, aren’t there? A big clump of holidays in a row, crowded stores, difficult driving conditions, the view of a rapidly declining bank balance. Figure in a non-moving deadline and the sinking suspicion that one hasn’t done enough and you’ve got all the makings of a need for a session in front of a bowl of uncooked brownie batter.

Or the need for a good shaking.

Why in the world did we make this all so complicated! Is it possible that these people have been sent here to challenge me and my love of humanity? I demand a return to a simpler time, dagnabit!

So I did what any right-thinking human being does at this time of year. I went to a Cuban restaurant and ordered something I could take only a rudimentary stab at pronouncing and then bent my face over it, breathing deeply, eyes closed.

The catamaran left the shallower waters, majestically perched atop the water, and I didn't look back.

It serves no one, the overwhelmed feeling this time of year brings. But you know who does serve? Bars and restaurants. The smaller, the better. Look at the art work. Get the special. Consider the dessert. Consider it twice if you must.

Tip heavily if warranted.

And that, my friends, is what I learned yesterday.

Go forth and spread the word.


Tracy said...

Go Forth and Indeed, Spread the word...in a few days, this will all be but a memory! When thinking that, it really makes me wonder why I get so uptight about the holidays!

lesinfin said...

"The catamaran left the shallower waters, majestically perched atop the water, and I didn't look back."
I like this a lot. And I guess I'm biased, but Cuban food fixes everything ;-)

Happy Holidays!

Karen@OneStrangeChick said...

Yes, and go get a massage of your neck or back or feet, or (if you can afford it) your whole entire body. Breath deeply. If you are really lucky, do like we did and get the whole thing overwith, then go to a friend's house for dinner on The Day. Buy them chocolates for inviting you. It's the least you can do.

Pat said...

I managed not to go into a single mall or department store this holiday season and it has been a much more relaxed time. I've been on that catamaran lately. Hope your Christmas is relaxing and fun, Pearl.

Grant said...

You just need an adjustment to your perspective. Instead of complaining that they skyways are full of xmas-enhanced slack-jaws, look at them as "target-rich environments". Now go forth and spread buckshot and entrails.

jackba said...

Pearl, that's why I always schedule a trip to someplace sunny about this time! And talking to Icky will always lift your spirits!

Oilfield Trash said...

And with that I am off to have a shot of Dayquil and Patron.

Roses said...

I don't mind the Festive Season, but I really do mind other people's stressing and grumping about it, when I need to be somewhere in a hurry.

I'm looking forward to the break from work and will be indulging in a lot of alcohol-related therapy.

Mamma has spoken said...

I'll save this dream for Feburary when I am sick of the cold and snow.

Eva Gallant said...

I shall opt for Italian for lunch. And I will blog about it on Sunday. Sounds like excellent therapy. I just made peppermint bark for my neighbor, and it didn't turn out very good. I will probably have to make another batch.....after lunch!

Leenie said...

Is there ever a simple time? As crazy as we make ourselves with this "Holiday" stuff, I wouldn't trade it for any time in history when there weren't microwave ovens and heated car seats.

Somewhere above all those wet, dark clouds the sun is shining. And it has always burned through by summer. I keep that thought as the catamaran out there by the beach ready to board.

injaynesworld said...

And a wonderful lesson it is, too. It's gray here, too, with seemingly endless rain. So I just turn on the Christmas lights and break out the eggnog.

Just sent for your book!

a Broad said...

I love you .
I just came home from trying to shop in 900ยบ heat and there was pup, lying on the floor in the hall, waiting, staying cool.
He is always there , waiting. What else could I do ?
I took off my shopping clothes and lay down on the floor with him.
It did us both a lot of good.

Revenge Of The Flipper Kids said...

Great advice! Your bank balance is already wheezing and dying so you might as well spoil yourself a little as consolation. I fully agree. I mean in the long run what really matters is state of mind, right? I like to turn the ringer off on the phone and put the tree lights on, light some candles, pour some wine and just forget everything else exists. Harmony. Ahhh.

Jhon Baker said...

I want to read a book by you titled something like - 'a year in the throes of public transportation' or maybe ' a year in Minnesota, observations from the aisle seat of public transportation.'

HumorSmith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HumorSmith said...

And there my friend is the true meaning of these days. Merry Christmas!

powdergirl said...

I hear you Pearly Whirly, and sadly, I must blame our own gender for this wild hype and expectation. What the fuck were we thinking? Feasting, decorating, presents... and everything must be just SO. I'm not even Christian, crissake.
Not sure why we didn't just go to Maui, where I belong and where Christmas is just a bunch of naturally occurring poinsettia plants being in bloom.
Okay, done whining now : ) Ahd wooo hooo, its past noon, I believe I'll have a cocktail : D That always helps.

Gigi said...

I can live with the hustle and bustle. What I could easily live without is the insanity that seems to have taken over people - they are rushing, rude and downright mean right now! Where's their Christmas spirit, I ask you?

Pearl said...

Tracy, everything is perspective!

Lesinfin, I’m glad. I particularly liked that bit as well – and in my imagination, I am still there…

Karen, I get the idea you know what you’re talking about. :-)

Pat, I, too, have avoided the malls; but then again, I work downtown, so I’ve had my share of crowds. Now move over and we’ll both have a li’l nap on the front of the cat…

Grant, LOL!

Jackba, I agree. Just about anywhere “south”, at this point, would fill the bill. My fear is that I’ll get to the airport, be snowed in, and have to live there for a couple days!

Oilfield, Mmm. Dayquil and Patron. :-) Festive, yet fully tranquilizing.

Roses, I like how you think.

Mamma, our imaginations do get a work-out, don’t they?

Eva, isn’t that awful? The batches that don’t work? Italian would be nice, yes. Anything that smells like sunshine…

Leenie, good point. Strange: modern life is both easy and hard. Physically easier but mentally harder. Just my opinion!

Jayne, Christmas lights made excellent mood lighting! And thank you so much for ordering a book! It will be in the mail tomorrow morning!

A Broad, and I love you. :-) I think I’ve got the opposite thing going on here: I return home from shopping, take off one set of clothes to climb into several other layers of clothes and then join the kitties for a quick warm-up. Good thing we have our pets to help us out!

Revenge of the Flipper Kids, Oh yes. Dim lights, no phone, a glass of wine and quiet contemplation. We have to find the “peace” in these days…

Jhon, stay tuned for tomorrow’s post. :-)

Humor Smith, Merry Christmas -- and goodwill to all men. :-)

Powdergirl, you know, I always thought I didn’t have to have things “just so”, but turns out that there ARE things I need a certain way, especially for the holidays. Luckily, I finished my shopping (today! PLENTY of time left!!) and outside of a salad I’ll be making Saturday, I am D-O-N-E. Let the downtime begin!

Gigi, I agree. When did we become such a mean-spirited people? I saw a “You Suck” tee-shirt today. WHY?! Sheesh, kid. Sounds like someone has some issues he needs to work out.

Camille said...

Ah...to be on a catamaran and leaving shallow waters behind. Instead I'm packing for a 500 mile road trip to the inlaws tomorrow. Thanks for the instant visual and brief respite from packing underpants. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas Pearlie Girl. You've given me the gift of laughter during this past year.

Pearl said...

Camille, I am glad. Good luck with that trip and don't forget to come back!

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Honey, you ARE the special. :)

Pat said...

Excellent idea but alas we are snowed in and had to cancel our Christmas dinner treat tonight.
Fruit and veg are gone, milk and bread are low and now I'm gittin' dandruff!


Lisa said...

Can I email the word because I really don't want to leave the house right now.

bruce said...

the wheels on the bus...fell off and i still have to christmas shop...

think i will join OFT and do the nyquil patron thing...possibly on an ice luge and call it a Nytron...

but just until the holidays are over...

bruce johnson jadip
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I'm trying to counter the negatives of this month by coming up with at least three good things each day in December. Check my blog-it's not been an easy task. I want that catamaran. Will you share? I'm way beyond the reach of the old standby of "Calgon, take me away!" I'm up to large alcohol-infused beverages.

Cloudia said...

congrats on chappy bookie!

we gotta bookswap after holiday madness....

you are unique

Aloha from Hawaii

Comfort Spiral



Symdaddy said...

Great post Pearl.

Merry Xmas!

Think of me as you eat your way through your Christmas banquet ... I'll be working!

No rest for the wicked, right?