The Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Champeenship

“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Championship.  I’m Greg Dowdy –“

“ – and I’m David Weekly.  Today’s competition promises to be one full of the spirit, the vitality of the people of this frozen land of ours and the dynamic energy with which those same people fight off boredom.”

“And hypothermia, Greg.  Let’s not forget hypothermia.”

“Right you are, David.  Tonight’s match is the result of two hard-fought events, events in which we marveled at the flight pattern of flung slippers, the flailing of pale limbs, the gusto with which the pallid flesh of our contestants has been stripped and slung toward the promise of flannel sheets.”

“Well said, Greg.  I’d like to add that this has all been done while perfectly sober.”

“That’s right, David.  The broadcasting of the drunken version of this event, held every New Year’s Eve right around 2:30 a.m., ensure both late-night fun and an opportunity for gambling.”

“Wonderfully inappropriate for the whole family.”

“It’s all boiled down to this moment, David.  One contest, one chance.  The Upper Midwest Full Disrobe International Guidelines provide s with the rules:  slippers, socks, leggings, flannel pants, underwear, bra, camisole, long-sleeved tee, cardigan.  In other words, all the things your average woman wears on your average night on the couch, mid-winter.  All of these things are to come off as quickly as possible, followed by a dash across the linoleum –“

“ – or tile –”

“ – or tile floor.  In this corner, we’ve got Amy Peterson, originally out of Brownsville, Ohio, mother of two boys.”

“Greg, Amy’s best known for her vocabulary, both presentable and profane, her collection of toe-socks, and having once made oatmeal for an entire week to, and I quote, teach those dang kids a lesson.”

“Right you are, David.  And in the other corner is her opponent, Tammy Schneider.  Tammy comes to us out of a suburb of Minneapolis where she keeps a grip on her sanity through careful adherence to a strict two-drink minimum before supper.  David, this woman was absolutely Zen-like in the utter destruction of her opponent in Round Two.”

“I don’t think you can use the words “Zen-like” and “destruction” in the same sentence, Greg.”

“Yes, I can, David.”

Ding!

“And there’s the bell, Greg!  The slippers have been flung!  Both participants have discarded their slippers at what may be judged as exactly the same time!  I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“David, we’re cheek to cheek, if I may be so bold, going into what we in the business call The Dropping of the Drawers.  Socks, leggings, flannels, undies:  Incredible!”

“And there go the cardigans, long-sleeved tees, camis, and bras!  Up and over the head in moves normally reserved for someone being attacked by a swarm of bees, the intensity of this competition is electric!  And it’s all come down to the bolt to the bed!  The spring – the leap – both bodies are hitting the mattress at the same time!  Ladies and gentlemen, could this be a tie?”

“David, let’s go to the instant replay.”

“Holy Hannah, Greg, do you see that?!”

“A birthmark shaped like India?”

“The fingertips!  Tammy’s nails have broken the mattress plane!”

“And there you have it, America!  Stick a fork in it, we’re done!  Tammy Schneider is the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Champion!”

“Stick a fork in it, we’re done??  Greg, you’re an idiot.”

“That I am, David.  That I am.”