And Now, a Word from Your Human Resources Department

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Friday, the day we ask ourselves such questions as “What’s this?”, “Who’s that?” and “Why don’t we go out for dinner?”

All perfectly reasonable questions. Now if only we had answers…

But wait! A long time ago, I decided that whenever possible, I would not only create my own reality, but I would do my best to convince others that it was substantive.

In other words, have you seen my iPod? Because my iPod – and it’s perfectly true, you can ask my dad – set on shuffle and played during my Friday-morning commute, foretells the future.

Not only is it absolutely true, it’s also perfectly legal.

Really.

Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs
A Smith Named Greg by Stan Kenton and His Orchestra
I Feel for You by Chaka Khan
Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
Blow at High Dough by The Tragically Hip
Demolition Man by The Police
Speed King by Deep Purple

And there you have it. And now that you’ve gotten it, I suggest a quick run to the doctor for help to get rid of it. You can leave right after the meeting…

Shhh. I don’t know why they have these things on Friday. Looks like we’re just in time…



Hello, and welcome to Acme Napkins and Grommets’ Quarterly State of the Business Meeting.

We here at Acme Grommets and Napkins appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years. The current economic downturn has been hard on all of us; and we value both your commitment to the firm and your willingness to embrace pay rates first considered “livable” during the Industrial Revolution. I, personally, have been forced to not only cut the delivery of fresh flowers for the executive lavatories to once a week but to limit the champagne at the executive box seats at the opera to domestic only.

But we all make sacrifices, don’t we?

And frankly, that’s what today’s meeting is all about: sacrifices. Because if you’re like me – and I can see by the intense looks of unrestrained interest on your faces that you are – you will want to know how you fit in, how you can help keep this particular boat afloat as we navigate the rapids of rising costs and falling wages and how you can ensure that you and your loved ones keep a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.

It is at this point that I turn the microphone over to Dirk Hardly, VP of HR. Dirk?

Thanks, Bob. I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed. As many of you know, there are plenty of opportunities available outside of Acme Grommets and Napkins for those interested in such diverse categories as curbside drug distribution, the adult entertainment industry, and whatever they’re calling those guys that stand at intersections holding the “Going Out of Business, Everything 70% Off” signs we see so often these days.

The truth is that we’re just one big family here at Acme Napkins and Grommets. Why, I started here at the same time as Pearl over there. As a matter of fact, we sat next to each other in orientation. And yet look at us! We don’t speak, we’ve never had a meal together. And that’s because we’re a family; and I am the one with the good job, the one with a child in a private school and six weeks of vacation while Pearl? Pearl is the one you call when you need something typed quickly, isn’t that right, Pearl? Ha ha. That Pearl. You can just tell by the look on her face what a sense of humor she has.

So where does that leave us? Frankly, I’m not sure. And that’s because families often don’t know what will happen next, do they? The world is a mystery. And yet you love your family, you stick with them, no matter what. Through the easy times and the hard times – but especially the hard times – we stick together, because how would we replace you? Would we put an ad in Monster? Or would we contract out to temps?

As I said, the world is a mystery.

And with that flippant and thinly veiled threat, we’ll close this meeting with HR’s motto: Who Ya Gonna Complain To?

Thanks for attending, everyone. Now let’s get out there and be profitable.