Next I Suppose You'll be Telling Me I No Longer Need to Bring My Own Coal for the Furnace...

After nearly eight years of steady and righteous tax-paying employment at Acme Grommets and Sprockets, I have made a discovery. Something that changes how I see my job – nay, changes how I see my life.

You see, my office chair reclines.

Stand here next to me, for just a moment, while I walk you through the scene. See that? That’s my desk. Now picture it: I come in, shed several layers of clothing – applied liberally for the Good-God-it’s-cold-and-dark walk to the bus – yet leave enough on to stay within Human Resources’ silly clothing guidelines, plop down into my chair and –

Recline.

I reclined by accident! It was an accident!

I can only assume that the look on my face, as I “discovered” office reclining, mirrored the look I had the day I discovered, at 19, the recipe for “office fudge” (four packs of hot chocolate and not nearly enough hot water).

As my Grandma would say, Well, I’ll be…

I am torn between self-congratulations (What a fabulous work ethic you have, Citizen Worker, for not having discovered this sooner!) and giving myself a dope-slap square to the center of the forehead for having had this same chair for almost eight years and never noticing that it reclines.

I can only ask myself: What else am I missing?

I mean, I’ve come to grips with the fact that all the people who appear to be muttering to themselves on the street are, in fact, talking on tiny, tiny telephones attached to their ears.

I got that.

And I got the fact that you can lock your car while walking away from it, that its headlights go out well after you’ve left the vicinity, that there’s no longer a need to holler “Ma’am, you’ve left your lights on!”

I mean, I got that.

Of course, I say all this after repeatedly believing that the people “talking on their phones” are actually talking to their imaginary friends, after locking my side of the car upon exiting it (despite the driver’s assertions that they’ll do it, no worries) after telling people “your lights are on!” only to be told, once again, that they’ll go off on their own.

So what else has been going on all around me whilst my head is in the clouds?

Where are we with my desire to be able to snort “vitamin air”?

How’s my request coming regarding shampoo and conditioner that continually re-colors my colored hair?

Where’s my Hover Car?!

I mean, yeah. I was astounded that my office chair reclined, but that was hours ago…