Wherein We Re-Examine The Chore Monkey

Some concepts require second looks.

I refer, of course, to the Chore Monkey.

Look, people. We’ve put a man on the moon, discovered a short-term vehicle for both Sharon Osbourne and David Hasselhoff, and convinced a whole generation that Jagermeister is a shot-worthy bar drink.

Why in the wide, wide world of sports have we not perfected the Chore Monkey?

And when I say “Chore Monkey”, I am not referring to our children. Children, while delightfully trainable, for the most part, are prone to contacting Child Protective Services and confiding in authority figures when forced to run to the gas station for cigarettes at 2:00 a.m.

Or so I hear.

Which brings us back to the Chore Monkey.

Primates! Trained, costume-wearing primates! Think of it.

And they’ll be even better than children.

Have you seen a child climb up the side of a building?

Pathetic.

Think about monkeys, though.

Need to borrow a bit of something from your neighbor but it’s snowing – again? Send the monkey!

Not sure as to just when you bought that milk and concerned that it may have gone bad? Have the monkey smell it!

Hungry but too lazy to hoist yourself off the couch and wander all the way into the kitchen? Have you considered sending your monkey out for fast food?

They can’t do everything, of course. For instance, I continue to question a monkey’s ability to shop using coupons on a consistent basis. I doubt a monkey’s capacity for sorting clothes by color prior to laundering them.

Still, I think that there’s gold in them thar monkeys*!


* I do not now nor have I ever owned, misused, made fun of, borrowed money from or advocated the exploitation of a monkey. Monkeys are not servants, nor are they delicious. Mostly, today’s post is the result of my wishing someone other than me would clean my house...

For cryin’ out loud, some of my best friends are monkeys!