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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I Don’t Believe We’ve Fully Explored the Untapped Potential of the Errand-Running Monkey

My son, AKA The Boy, AKA the Ingrate Who Does Not Read His Mother’s Blog, is irritated with me for having forced him to run to the store to pick up some Fresca before he goes to work.

And by “forced” I mean I pointed out to him in language that could not be misunderstood that he had finished it off the day before, leaving me and my lunch Fresca-less; and frankly, that I was against it.

This is where I should interject that Fresca is, as far as The Boy and I can tell, the best drink (water? what?) for those suffering from a hang-over, which is how he managed to polish them off the day before, leaving me with none.

I think this brings us all up to speed.

So while my son was hopping about in righteous anger – and without a leg to stand on, by the way, given his pathetic and Fresca-sucking demeanor of the day before – I got to thinking about the monkeys again.

While I still profess doubt as to a monkey’s ability to make change or predict my late-night cravings as well as, say, William Throckmorton the Third does, I do think that there’s gold in them thar monkeys!

Picture it:
Forgot something at the store? Monkey.
Lose a sock somewhere between the dryer and the dresser? Monkey.
Need someone to mash the potatoes while you finish making the gravy? Monkey.
Missed the bus but can still see it? I’ll bet that monkey can run faster than you can! Send that monkey a’runnin’!

There are far more possibilities, of course, and I’m working on an idea concerning monkeys as chauffeurs.

Does anyone out there know if monkeys are color blind? That might be a hindrance.

25 comments:

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I have no idea if they are color blind but your post was very funny. And who knows what Fresca is. It simply tastes good.

kimber p said...

Oh Pearl..color blind or not, monkeys do have a tendency to get a little too preoccupied with their privates.. are you sure that's something you want to witness while he's poppin open your Fresca?

Braja said...

Kimber has a point. And those red bums? Ewwww. But in answer to your quest: I don't think they are color blind. They can always tell a green banana from a yellow one.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Dear Pearl...I wouldn't trust a monkey with my mashed potatoes. He's likely to sling them against the wall in order to see if they're done. Or, worse, there'll be that stray hair that NO ONE wants to find in their taters.

No, a monkey is not good for mashing potatoes.

Entertaining you by doing flips off the couch, yes. Mashed taters, no.

Scrappy Doo said...

Yes, Kimber does have a point. They like to dig in certain places. I saw it first hand at the zoo. Gag!!
Can said monkey just do my laundry? and repaint my bathroom? They do come trained right? ie. use the toliet and put the seat down. If so, let me know where I can pick me one up! God help the little him/her though the first time I catch him diggin!

Stephen Rader said...

Who cares if they're color blind. If they screw something up by picking the wrong color, you can always have them do it again. And again. And again.

As for the Fresca, you reminded me of an old Joan Rivers joke...

"I'm not into drugs. Every once in awhile, when I'm feeling a little depressed, I take some Fresca and throw it on a panty shield. It picks you right up!" :)

Barbara Blundell said...

If you find the right monkeys,colour blind or not please will you send me one COD.I would like a washing up monkey-although I do have R.

Douglas said...

Before you go too far in this quest, consider the following link:

Chimp Rage

Jodie Kash said...

I find the best hangover cure to be overly-salted McDonald fries and/or Taco Bell, just the simple taco, none of the “fancy” side of the menu. The magic elixir, however, is fountain Coke; not from a can or bottle, must come from a genuine fountain shot full of fresh bubbles.

MuseSwings said...

I'm guessing you have seen the monkey in the trunk videos - if not, look them up and my suggestion is pee first.

derfina said...

I'm with Kimber and Braja-monkeys spend way too much time playing with their monkey willies and forming their poo into little balls to fling for me to even consider letting them mash MY taters!

Debbie said...

I am so distracted by Kimber's point about the monkeys and their privates. So, I'll skip right to the Fresca. Love it and had no idea of its hangover curing qualities!

Michelle said...

I will be your helper monkey Pearly-Q!!!

If you will have me!!!

darsden said...

I used to drink Fresca, I forgot about them. They are great esp. on a hot day out by the pool.

No, Monkey Pearl, I don't want to be stepping in S**t when I am stalking..I mean walking around your house!

Never mind they can turn on you and beat you up...haven't your heard the news lately!?!

(thanks for visiting today, com'on back visiting hours are anytime :-)

Lisa said...

i have no idea what fresca is and would love a monkey- do they cook ?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearly Q~
I had an errand monkey once...
Everything was great until I asked him to mash the potatoes while I made the gravy...
I had to listen to him go on and on about lumps in my 'tasteless' gravy and I should just let HIM make it.
I fired him...insubordinate primate.
Cheeky Cheeks~

The Retired One said...

I hear they go APE for colors. However they all look like banana yellow!

De Campo said...

Do you want to know what taste even better then Fresca and is a hundred times more effective for curing hangovers?

Monkey. Preferably on a stick. Panama style.

In other news, I wish that I had read this before posting tonight or else I would have posted my Monkey PSA. It’s a doozy.

DOG3OY said...

yep, we have a monkey, we get away with a lot down here. my friends monkey has worked out how to microwave popcorn. Lots of fun to watch the little guy, he gets so excited watching it pop. He is also good at the basics loke getting beer and finding the remote.

Old Knudsen said...

I saw a blog title called 'Fisting the monkey' it made me wish I had come up with it, its very hard to fist a monkey, I did do a gorilla once, close enough.

Jeanne said...

My first husband's Uncle Charlie had a monkey -- all it did was scream and whack off. Gotta go with Kimber on this one....

Brother Tobias said...

Reading these comments made me realise how like monkeys sons are. You sure you need another?

deanna said...

Gotta be careful though. Apparently they freak out on you if you ask for too many things, just like the chimp in CT. Maybe as long as they get good benefits...

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I was wondering if you read PG Wodehouse? I am a devout fan and your writing in this blog reminded me of him.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Do these monkeys do laundry? We need a laundry bitch at the moment. I have 2 boys, so the digging at the privates will fit in a little too well...
About the laundry...