I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How's Yer Monkey Doin'?

I was having Chinese food and a couple of beers with T and Erin the other night when things got hypothetical.

You’ve done that, haven’t you? Gotten all hypothetical? A little Moo Goo Gai Pan, a couple of brewskis and suddenly everything’s a “why can’t…” or “how come…”.

Erin, for example, wants to know, in this Age of Conveniences, why they don’t offer monkeys that will run to the store to get her smokes.

“They have – hic! – helper monkeys for the handicapped and dogs for the anxiety-prone. I’m handicapped by my addiction to smoking, dammit, and it's givin' me The Anxiety! Why can’t I get a monkey?”

T and I both agreed with her – why shouldn’t she get a monkey? – because 1.) it’s her house, and B.) she’s amusing when she gets going like that.

Leaving aside the questionable nobility of training an intelligent animal to run to the store to buy you cigarettes (assuming the little simian could make change – which I doubt!) let’s look at this closer, shall we?

At my house, assuming that the monkey doesn’t run off and report me to the SPCA, he can be to the store and back in under 10 minutes, especially if he trots. What a timesaver! I mean, think of the things you could get done while he’s gone! Why, there’s – well, there’s my dishes. I could do the dishes!

Wait – surely I can get someone else to do them for me?

Maybe I could get a Dish-Washing Monkey!

And why limit ourselves? What about Basement Monkey? I mean, who’s going to change my blown electrical fuses and move my laundry from the washer to the dryer? Me?

And lest you think me unfeeling, I would so give that monkey four weeks’ paid vacation a year. And sick days. And a 401(k) retirement plan.

Wait a minute. I’ve just gotten a very uncomfortable feeling here.

Is it possible that I’m somebody’s helper monkey?

34 comments:

Douglas said...

Ha! I am first! First, I tell you! Well, now that I am, I can't think of anything clever to say. I need a Comment Monkey. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Braja said...

Maybe I'm Douglas's comment monkey. Or yours. I'm confused.

I have little to relate this to because I have servants to do everything. I know, doesn't that make you mutter "Bitch..." under your breath? Cut me some slack: I gotta live in India to be able to say that. Sheesh...

darsden said...

Now I WANT a monkey. I wonder if ebay sells them! Funny Pearl. Okay seriously I am off to check ebay and my paypal account!

IB said...

Oh yeah, monkeys SEEM like a good idea. I had one. I used to send him out for beer and cigarettes (those were the days!). One day the damn monkey doesn't return. So I go out looking for him. I find him on the corner outside the market chattin up some hot little monkey-chick. He's drinking one of my beers and tearing into my pack of butts when I see him. I fired his monkey-ass right then and there.

Jess said...

A cigarette yielding monkey...I like where this is going!

So many of the worlds problems are solved when our crew gets together and has a few...sounds like we need to join forces!

The Retired One said...

I had one too....but he died of cancer from smoking..............

Also, I think I dated one once.....

Indrayani aka, Indi! said...

I would want one to scratch my back....
Seriously!

naperville mom said...

I could do with a monkey who runs upstairs to get diapers and wipes for me, and also upload my pics onto the pc.

Had some fun with your post!

Under the Influence said...

I want a horde of monkies to do all of my work!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

We monkeys are not, as the Rolling Stones sang, your beats of burden. However I have it on good authority that squirrels would love to be enslaved by you guys.

Ann's Rants said...

I have two little monkeys...the littlest one just ran off with a roll of toilet paper to give his Dad on the Pot. They're good like that. Nope, not even joking.

EskimoBob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tiggy said...

I like your way of thinking. Monkey servants!

Why have we been messing around with stupid robots, when we could have trained monkeys? Phh.

EskimoBob said...

If we were someone's service monkey then we'd be able to throw poo at those who annoy and not have anyone think worse of it. It would in fact become a spectacle: Oh look! Monkey Bob is throwing poo!

In other news: When the Constitution and Monkeys collide.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_MONKEY_MEAT?SITE=AP

dizzblnd said...

see... that's where the teenagers come in... my son, 17 drives, my daughter 18, doesn't so when hubby wants cigarettes, I don't have to go.. Son drives the getaway car.. daughter goes and buys the smokes under protest of course. They do other things too under protest.. but at least they don't sling ther poo whilst protesting

R~ said...

In all the movies doesn't the story go... we all get monkey servants and live in bliss for a while. Then the monkeys become smarter than us and use our dependance on them to take over the world because we are turning it into shite... no wait that's robots. Monkeys are cool.

Cameron said...

If only the logistics were so simple. Is the monkey potty-trained? If not, you'd have to get a monkey just to clean up the monkey shit.

rachael said...

LMAO you kill, me, I wish I could have (hic) been there.

Kinda sad when you realize YOU are doing ALL the monkey chores....;)

BTW I added your blog to my website chicca!
http://rachaelchatoor.com/Showcase.html

Barbara Blundell said...

Monkeys have some nasty little habits
Do you not have helping dogs ? I've seen some here on tele and they're wonderful. They can fetch and carry,bring the phone when it rings,take the washing out of the machine and one could even produce a credit card at the checkout.( Although it had to be spoken to severely about stacking a trolly with Pal and Bonios )

Steve said...

Would I have to pay someone to spank the monkey or could I get a subsidy?

Douglas said...

R~ - Did you not see "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes"?

Bee said...

I have a child that rather resembles a monkey and she doesn't do diddly squat.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

i want a monkey to get me toliet paper. that would be most beneficial.

The Wife O Riley said...

My monkey wasn't 18 so they wouldn't sell him the cigarettes.

KT said...

Oh, now this is a funny post. And please don't report me to childrens services but my daughter likes to ride around in the back of our Explorer and call herself a "trunk monkey."

Michelle said...

I would gladly be your helper monkey Pearl!!! Really, i'm nice that way!!!

Love ya!

Not The Rockefellers said...

OMG did you not see or read: Monkey Shines?" by Stephen King

Monkies can really mess things up for you.

They will throw poo at you. And I, for one, am not down with poo being flung at me by any monkey. I don't care how "gifted" or charming he is. Or how cute he looks in that propeller beanie.

But I do like those trunk monkey ads.

Peace - Rene

Pearl said...

Douglas, you are, indeed, first. :-) And that makes Braja your comment monkey!

Braja, I liked that. You would be a lovely comment monkey!
I'm envious of your servants. Now how can we get that going in the U.S.?

Darsden, Let's check into getting you a monkey. :-)

IB, Freakin' monkeys. You had a good run, though, right?
:-) Hilarious.

Jess, I know, right? :-) me and my friends are BRILLIANT when we've had a couple!

Retired One, I believe I may have dated a monkey or two myself...

Indi, Back scratcher. Nice! I would like a hair-brushing monkey too, come to think of it...

Naperville Mom, I like that! I would also like a monkey that does my Christmas cards for me...

UTI, Hordes of monkeys. :-) That could get messy, but I'm with ya!

Dr. MVM -- squirrels?! Those little bastards?!
jk

Ann, I USED to have a monkey but he grew up and went to college.
Now he's an educated monkey.

Tiggy, So it makes sense, right? I'm not alone here?!

EskimoBob, we're not supposed to throw poo now?
That explains a lot.

dizzblnd, kind of a grow-your-own situation!

R~, actually I was kinda thinking about that. About how we'd let the monkeys do everything for us, we'd get all soft and fat and infantile...

Cameron, I like how you think. It's obvious to me we're going to need a number of monkeys...

Hey, Rachael, thanks for adding me to your website. That's really cool.
I've suspected for a while now that I'm a monkey.. A monkey with a decent music collection and a spiffy way with words, but a monkey!

Barbara, Actually I have a similar problem with the cats. Bitey keeps adding "shrimp coktal" to the grocery list (that dang cat can't spell).

Steve, Now THAT'S a good question. :-)

Bee, that made me laugh!

Irish woman, toilet paper IS one of your more must-havier must-haves, and if you could get a monkey to bring it to you? Sweet!

Wife O Reilly, I know a couple places. Have your monkey call my monkey.

KT, I wish I had a trunk monkey. Mine stays up late at night and tells me that there's nothing in the fridge to eat...

Michelle, you're so sweet! What time can you be here?!

Julian Meteor said...

I would like to have an INFINITE number of monkeys and an INFINITE number of typewriters, but I just don't have the space.

sdeee said...

ah, a monkey would be brilliand:) Maybe if I find an indian version of ebay, they might be for sale;P lol

and yes, im still out here;) Just a change of location, thats all;)

BPOTW said...

One reason: flying poop.

From what I've heard monkeys throw their poop and I'm pretty sure they're not going to clean up after themselves. If you do find one that is hygenic and potty trained though please send him to me while he's on the vacation he's receiving from you.

nsiyer said...

Pearl, you must be aware.'Our mind is the most awesome monkey'. Jumps everywhere. That is why you could write the post.

SweetPeaSurry said...

OMG ... too funny. I'd like a monkey ... to help make beds. I hate bedmaking. My mother is constantly asking me to help make HER bed, and I rarely have the gumption to make my OWN bed.

Bed-making monkeys would be good.

Brenda said...

I want a coffee making monkey.

I already have a dish washing, ironing and floor washing monkey, but I NEED a coffee making monkey!

Found you at BPOTW