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I was watching “Cops” the other day. Do you know about this show? It’s been around for a while, but perhaps you have a life to lead? Perhaps you have too much self-respect to sit around, slack-jawed, watching imbeciles run from the law? Or maybe you find no entertainment in watching the criminally minded try to wiggle their way around the law?

“This car? No, man, no. It’s not mine, I borrowed it from my cousin. What? My cousin’s name? Uhhh…”

I know it’s wrong, but for cryin’ out loud, they think they’re going to talk their way out of it! I can’t turn away.

I’ve been watching these shows for years, and I’ve noticed a number of things.

For instance, did you know some of these perps (that’s what us crime show watchers call the perpetrators – it makes us feel like we’re part of things) have a fashion sense that defies explanation? Spandex pants tucked into cowboy boots, athletic bras acting as shirts on decidedly un-athletic bodies, tattoos on the neck. It’s not a look that everyone can pull off.

Repeat offenders (another term us “Coppies” like to use) generally need dental attention. It’s almost endearing, actually, the toothless grins; and it doesn’t seem to interfere with their ability to take nourishment, for while the people on these shows tend to come in primarily two sizes (drastically underweight and drastically overweight), the overweight folk are in the majority and seem to be taking full advantage of the Dollar Menu at your local drive-through...

And while “Cops” is filmed entirely in the United States, a surprising number of criminals’ speech is so poor that subtitles are required. Subtitles! Sure, some of it is the fact that so many of these people are missing teeth and that can certainly affect enunciation…

But the thing I’ve just noticed recently has nothing to do with the show itself. It is the commercials shown during the breaks.

“Hi. I’m Lonnie Bench-Warrant. Have you been told you don’t stand a chance of acquittal? Have you been told your best bet is to plead guilty and get it over with? I’ve handled over one thousand no-hope cases just like yours. Give me a call and let me see if I can’t get you out of the mess you’re in.”

I’m thinking that the same people you see on “Cops” are the same people who would decide on an attorney because of a commercial they saw during “Cops”.