I Type Like A Super Star!

You know, of all the things that have held me back in life, I have to say that learning to type was probably my biggest mistake.

That, and learning how to make coffee (or letting anyone in an office know that I know how to make coffee).

Oh, and those years I headed up that pre-school gambling ring. That might’ve been a mistake.

But no. Typing has held me back the most.

But that’s ridiculous, you say! Look at you, all successfully secretary-ing and blog-ing and who knows what all! Why, you must be greatly admired for these skills!

Strangely enough, no. But you’d think so, wouldn’t you?

People say to me, “Pearl! What do you type, like, 100 words a minute?” And I say, “Why, yes! 120 on a good day!” And they say “That’s great – hey! Why don’t you run out and pick us up some sandwiches?”

See? That’s what being a really fast typist gets you. The opportunity to run and pick up sandwiches.

And don’t forget the opportunity to have someone throw a handwritten three-page document to you at 4:45 and say, “Yeah, if you could just whip this out quick and get it in the overnight mail, that would be great.”

Whip this out? Who am I, George Michael?

Did you know the Chinese word for "crisis" and "opportunity" are the same? Yeah, if you ask a native Chinese speaker if it’s true they’ll give you that special look they reserve for stupid questions, but for the moment let’s say it’s true. Well, this week has been one opportunity after another, opportunities that have been narrowly-averted crises by my ability to type like my shirt’s on fire. And that’s important! And because I’ve been gifted with the ability to type like the very wind itself and because of my being a valued and well-regarded employee, they’ve suggested that I take Friday afternoon off, just to regroup, just to, you know, relax and – ahhh. You know I’m lying.

So what was my point? My point is, people, friends don’t let friends type. Learn something real. Learn something that doesn't require you to finish what others have started. Learn something that won’t eventually give you carpal tunnel.

Run. Save your children. Save yourselves.