Chill, Baby!

It’s 4:30 in the afternoon on Saturday afternoon here in Minneapolis, it’s been raining off and on all day, and my hands have been cold since I woke up.

I’m doomed.

The weather is turning. Part of my brain is thinking about the sweaters, cleaned, folded and stored under the bed. Part of my brain has fast-forwarded to the dizzying slur of days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And part of my brain is wondering if it’s too late to consider a career in the cruise ship industry.

Fall, a season followed all too quickly by the slowest-moving of seasons – winter – is not a time of year to be taken lightly. It’s all about preparation and is not for the lazy.

I’ve created a list of the things that I need to take care of before the snow flies. Feel free to adjust for yourself. Why recreate the wheel?

1. Put plastic sheeting on windows. Repeat: Put it on the windows. They do no good in the pantry, which is where they stayed last winter.
2. Buy chapstick, moisturizer, Vaseline, winter-weight motor oil, lard, and any other thick, gooey fluid designed to protect things from the cold.
3. Speaking of lard, add 10 to 15 pounds of cold-fighting fat to thighs, buttocks and belly. Blame husband’s late-night sweet tooth. Repeat as necessary.
4. Make note in 2009 calendar, sometime mid-February: “Remove 10 to 15 pounds”.
5. On the other hand, try on winter clothes. We don’t want a repeat of the number of clothes that had mysteriously shrunken between seasons last year. Speak to other women regarding the shrinking clothes. Contact library about this. Have the Nordeasters experienced this same phenomenon? Bring up at next gathering on Kurt and Kathy’s porch. What happens to clothing between seasons and why have I been made aware of this so late in life?

Of course, there are all those other silly things I need to prepare for: finding the shovel, winterizing the car, preparing the perennial plants for the freeze, blah blah blah. It never ends.

The hands are cold first. Then the feet and the nose. Next thing you know, you’re layering your clothing, wearing thick, fuzzy slippers (rather than being barefooted) and having sincere conversations regarding the merits of down and wool versus microfibers and thinsulate.

It’s the coming of the end, people. Prepare to meet thy icy maker.