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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Critics Rave: Paps, Pedis, and Pub Changes Everything!

Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon.

We’re not looking at it properly, people! I mean, it’s a pretty cut-and-dried situation, isn’t it; and once the results are in, you either get a letter or a phone call, right? So why so serious?

And so in an effort to maximize the experience, Mary and I, in conjunction with Two White Chicks Cleaning, have a plan.

Sit down. Sip your water. Now clear your mind.

Paps, Pedis, and Pub.

Follow me now. We’re thinking you can leave your shirt on and slip into one of our tear-away flannel pants.

Go ahead – have a seat.

Please note that the chair is on wheels, the pedicure basins on either side of the chair. The temperature okay for you? There’s a pouch in the front: the questionnaire you filled out ahead of the appointment determines if you find chocolates, beef jerky, or chewing tobacco in there.

Of course there’ll be a package deal including all three: chocolates, beef jerky, and chewing tobacco; but I’m not prepared to give away the details of our Valentines Day package just yet.

So you know those drive-over, in-the-ground bays at the oil-change places? Well those figure into the process. As I said, the chair is on wheels, and like the oil-change technicians, that’s where we’ll be keeping the medical professionals: down in the bay. Oh, it’s all on the up-and-up. I mean, there are people in white coats, heat lamps... We can talk about the details, if you’re interested.

You’re offered a choice of musical selections and one of those hats that holds beverages (coffee, tea, water, select beers and wines). You also have the option of drinking out of a mug, as well, but what the heck. It’s a party, right?

Already, I’m excited. Think of the promotional drives: Bring in a friend and knock half off the cost of your next Pap and pedicure!

And does anyone else see the Speedy Reward Points possibilities?

For cryin’ out loud, man, the advertising campaign has fantastic potential!

Mary is working with the Small Business Administration on securing a loan as we speak. We can show you the business plan she’s working on, if you like.

The opportunities for success here are outrageous.


Anonymous said...

Sorry Pearl but there's just no way you can make that experience anywhere near enjoyable. Try as you may...and you are trying...I can tell...but it just isn't working for me.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
... why spoil a good pedi-pub experience??? All that first and then the pap. That'd work. You could sleep through it.... YAM xx

Geo. said...

Lube stations are already set up to integrate your excellent idea but I'd advise caution. I mean, what if you get in the wrong line and they drain your fluids?

fishducky said...

Geo scared me!!

jenny_o said...

I'm pretty sure you could also market to the guys - prostate check with sports TV and beer?

savannah said...

in another life, this is one of those business plans i would have read and then said, "Now, Miss Peggy Pearl, on paper this seems like a very doable plan, but..." and then there would have been a few gentle, "honey, this ain't gonna work" type questions, suggestions and maybe, an appointment with one of my other colleagues who knew how to be polite, but blunt. ;) xoxoxo

ThreeOldKeys said...

You are crazy.

And I like it. (not the plan, no. I like the craziness.)

Should Fish More said...

Hell, I like it! Let me know when you're going public, I want in.

River said...

I don't know...I'm not crazy about people seeing my unpretty feet, although a pedi might help with that.
I'll get back to you...this requires long thought. very long thought.

Gigi said...

I'm totally on board! I'm a busy woman, I've got things to do and people to see. So if I can accomplish three things at once...then I'm in.

Eileen B said...

Sorry, Pearl. Delores is right.

Sioux said...

Throw in a chocolate fountain, and I'll be your first customer...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

As you suggest, there are a lot of ways to close the deal on this sort of a sale. The paper gown and pamphlet on breast self-exams just do NOT entice me the way beef jerky would...