I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Part Four: MAN! Is Your Drink as Tasty as Mine?

Parts One, Two, and Three?  Do we have links?  You bet your sweet bippy we do.  If you need to go back – and each one is only 300 words or so! – you can do it now.  We’ll wait here.  Won’t take you more than 10 minutes, tops, to catch up.

I look down at my right hand. 

Surprisingly, there’s a drink it:  gin and tonic, four limes.

I frown briefly, then remember my vow to stop deliberately wrinkling myself.  I take a sip and conscientiously unfurrow my brow.  “How –“

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a smallish cat once linked romantically to Johnny Depp, taps the side of her nose with a delicate paw. 

I laugh.  “Oh, is that you telling me it’s a trade secret?”

And Liza, eyes twinkling like a third glass of champagne, taps the side of her nose again. 

“Why you little…” I say.

“Why I oughta…” she responds.

We gaze warmly at each other.

“I do so love seeing you outside of the home, particularly when you are employed,” I say.

“And I do so love,” she says, “when you are about to have your second drink.  It’s like Christmas Eve for both of us.”

We laugh.  My reputation for being tightly wound, and then more loosely wound, is well deserved. 

The cat takes a step forward, looks back and motions, with a subtle movement of her head, that I should follow her.

And so I do.

The Nip and The Saucer is quite large, really, an expanse of red carpeting and tiered seating with diamond-stitched upholstered booths in dark red leather.  Cats in black-and-white berets rush from table to table, trays on their shoulders, balancing bottles of gin, bowls of quartered limes, and small, insulated canisters of ice. 

In the far corner, a Chihuahua plays “The Girl from Ipanema” on the accordion.  

I follow Liza Bean to the bar and settle on to one of the stools there.  A large, U-shaped affair in the middle of the room, its center is glass and mirrors, beautiful bottles lit from below and gleaming with promise.

Overhead, a chandelier drips an expensive, ambient glow.  

The cats directly across from me are lapping something from a shallow crystal bowl and laughing. 

I carefully squeeze the limes, one after another, into my gin and tonic, take a sip.


“So what’s the plan, kitty-cat?”

Liza Bean smiles and raises one slender, expansive paw

“Another gin and tonic for my dear friend,” she says.

The bartender, a long-legged kitty with hazel eyes and a pink collar encrusted with glittering crystals, places a napkin in front of me; and I set my now-empty drink on it. 

How did that happen?

The bartender winks at me.  “Right away, Miz Pearl.”

I turn to Liza Bean.  “She knows me?”

The cat leans in, eyes me meaningfully.  “Sadie's going to keep an eye on you, as I shall.  Pray do nothing imprudent.”

I pshaw at her, nod at Sadie, who has just set a fresh drink in front of me.  “Pshaw,” I say, lifting the first lime.  “I’m as right as rain, old bean.”

The cat backs away, slowly.  “I’ll be about,” she says.  “And don’t say “old bean”.”  She wrinkles her nose.  “It sounds wrong when you say it.” 

There’s more? 

Yes.  Yes, there is.


furrybottoms.blogspot.com said...

*giggles* go on.

Delores said...

Just keep the gin and tonics coming.

jenny_o said...

I expected to follow that link and get a chihuahua playing Ipanema on the accordion. Dang it. False advertising!! And now that song is stuck in my head again. I just got it out after reading Indigo's post the other day. It's a conspiracy!!

Hm ... seems to be an excitable day around here. You have yourself an excitable day, too, Pearlie :) I'm looking forward to tomorrow's installment!!

ce8d632a-647c-11e3-94d3-000bcdcb2996 said...

Balance your spiritual energy and get in harmony with your soul by practicing these Radha-Krishna meditations.

Sri Gita Govinda
-A book written in the 12th century, this is a description of the intimate loving affairs of Radha and Krishna

Govinda Lilamrta
-An 400 year old book which poetically describes the eternal daily pastimes of Radha and Krishna

Ananda Vrindavan Campu
-This is probably the most poetic and intimate portrayal of Sri Krsna’s life in Vrndavana that has ever been written.

Prayers of Service to Radha and Krishna (Sankalpa Kalpadruma)

Prema Samputa The Treasure Chest of Love

And the following four are taken from Visvanath Cakravarti's Camatkara Candrika, a 300 year old scripture that talks about the love meeting of Radha and Krishna:

The Meeting in the Box

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as a Female Doctor

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as a Female Singer

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as Abhimanyu

And lastly, we have a very amazing scripture which describes the 24 hour daily loving affairs of Radha and Krishna in Vrindavan, called Bhavanasara Sangraha. This book is now available on Amazon for Kindle, for only $3.49


Here is a 41 page sample of Bhavanasara Sangraha:

The above book can also be read on your PC using Amazon Kindle for PC, download here for free:

Disclaimer: We are not affiliated with ISKCON in any way whatsoever. ISKCON, or "The Hare Krishna Movement" as it's popularily known, is a radical and extremist distortion of the original Radha and Krishna dharma from ancient India. The author of the above book Bhavanasara Sangraha is no longer affiliated with ISKCON either, having cut all ties to ISKCON a few years ago.

Geo. said...

I admire your stamina, Pearl. I usually take the pledge after seeing the Chihuahua playing the accordion.

Elephant's Child said...

More. Please. And I will always mourn that I don't have a Liza B to share my G and T time.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
I'm on the stool right beside ya gal; so as to keep an eye on those cats...don't wan't to miss a whisker of this little unravelling... YAM xx

Chicken said...

Why do I think you are about to get imprudent, Old Bean?

Daisy said...

I loved the description of The Nip and The Saucer. I think maybe I've been there before. :)

Daisy said...

If the chihuahua quits, do you think I'd have a chance for his job?
Daisy inquires.