I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Part One: A Small Cat Asks a Favor

There is a dagger of some kind in my ribs.  A very small dagger, exceedingly sharp, perhaps wielded by a very small, exceedingly sharp animal…


I open my eyes crossly.  Despite the many warnings delivered to the cat regarding my ability to fall and stay asleep, the cat thinks nothing of waking me, often times to share what she deems to be crucial data.

I roll over, look at the clock.


I roll to my back. 

“I shall murdalize you,” I hiss softly, channeling, apparently, some turn-of-the-century thug.  “I’ll drop a mickey on ya, see, and leave you in blind tiger on the North side.”

The cat smiles, settles on to my chest where she peers down indulgently.   Her breath smells faintly of Friskies Liver and Chicken Pate.  “Tsk, tsk, Pearl,” she chuckles.  “Have you been reading about Five Points again?”

I have been, and frown in the dark.  I hate when she does that.  “No,” I say.

The cat smiles, tiny white teeth.  “We should talk like this more often,” she says. 

“We’re not talking,” I point out.

“Yes,” she says, “but the lines of communication are open, and that’s what’s important, isn’t it?”

I sit up, and the cat falls backward on to the bed.  “What have you done?”

Liza Bean Bitey, an animal with a cease and desist letter from the Department of Fish and Game and pen pal correspondence with almost a dozen enlisted men – not all serving the same country – blinks slow, heavy lids at me.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“I feel you’re alluding to something,” I say.  “I feel like you’re setting me up.”

The cat smiles, a vision of symmetrically striped domesticity.   “Pearl,” she says, “you really must get more rest.  You’ve become quite unhinged.”

I lay down, press the back of my head into the pillow.  I close my eyes and count to 10.  When I open them, the cat’s nose is just inches from my own.

“By the way, Pearl,” she says.  “If you’re not using it tomorrow, I’m wondering if I could use the car.”

On the one hand, the cat is an appallingly poor driver.  On the other, she always fills the tank.

I close my eyes again.  “OK,” I say.

 Is there more to this story?  I suspect so.  Come back tomorrow!


Anonymous said...

Cats always go to interesting places. You should call shotgun.

joeh said...

Always filling the tank is an admirable trait.

vanilla said...

"I open my eyes crossly"
Let me parse the meaning of this. Your eyes are crossed.
You are cross.
Oh, I see. 2:34 a.m. Both.

jenny_o said...

She knows full well that people brains aren't doing their best work in the middle of the night. Unlike kitteh brains, which are at their sharpest then.

Can't wait to see what she's up to this time!

jenny_o said...

Interesting link to the Five Points gangs of New York - fascinating and kinda scary ... is Liza Bean channelling Hell-Cat Maggie, by any chance??

Anonymous said...

Balance your spiritual energy and get in harmony with your soul by practicing these Radha-Krishna meditations.

Sri Gita Govinda
-A book written in the 12th century, this is a description of the intimate loving affairs of Radha and Krishna

Govinda Lilamrta
-An 400 year old book which poetically describes the eternal daily pastimes of Radha and Krishna

Ananda Vrindavan Campu
-This is probably the most poetic and intimate portrayal of Sri Krsna’s life in Vrndavana that has ever been written.

Prayers of Service to Radha and Krishna (Sankalpa Kalpadruma)

Prema Samputa The Treasure Chest of Love

And the following four are taken from Visvanath Cakravarti's Camatkara Candrika, a 300 year old scripture that talks about the love meeting of Radha and Krishna:

The Meeting in the Box

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as a Female Doctor

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as a Female Singer

The Meeting of Sri Krishna Disguised as Abhimanyu

And lastly, we have the supreme scripture which describes the 24 hour daily loving affairs of Radha and Krishna in Vrindavan, called Bhavanasara Sangraha. This book is now available on Amazon for Kindle, for only $3.49


Here is a 41 page sample of Bhavanasara Sangraha:

The above book can also be read on your PC using Amazon Kindle for PC, download here for free:

Gigi said...

Oooh! Another cat adventure!

And, apparently, another spammer.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM


BLaaaarrgh to the first and YYAAAAAAYYYY to the latter.

I am shouting cuz it seems Pearl is sleeping... YAM xx

Sioux said...

Pearl--Take that spam and turn it into Spam Master Theater. (See Ann's Rants blog to see the fun you can have with spam ;)

There is ALWAYS more of a story when it comes to Liza Bean Bitey. I can't wait...

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I liked this post it was funny as usual and intriguing as well

Rose L said...

I am so glad my 2 cats are not demanding and difficult. Oh, on occasion Mooshoo can be emotional and she does hate my singing, attacking me when I do, but she loves me and loves to cuddle. But for unconditional love and cuddles, Kala is tops!

Geo. said...

Clever clever girl --and you too!

Val S said...

I knew there was a reason I didn't want another cat. Yours is scary! And a bit of a slut, it sounds like.