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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ode to a Locked Document; or Mama, Don’t Let Your Spreadsheets Grow Up to be Password-Protected

I don’t know how it could’ve happened. 

After all, I am not one to misspell a passwrod. 

But there it is, as ugly a fact as I have ever come across:  the password to a document that contains the whole and sum of my work life has been compromised somehow.

I am locked out.

Google informs me that it cannot be hacked, despite what I may have heard around the water cooler.

A friend advises that there are many engaging and lucrative positions in the night-club drug distribution trade available for those not afraid to hustle.

And so I spend the first part of my morning trying to manually recreate the typo – I spend the last part of my morning cutting-and-pasting the 418 permutations of the original password, courtesy of Google, into an angry, blinking screen that reminds me, 418 times, that the password I have supplied is not correct, and perhaps I need to verify that the CAPS lock is off?

Is the CAPS lock off?

Why I oughta…

The Help Desk takes on a most unHelpful manner.  “Well why was it password protected in the first place,” he mutters.

Well I dunno, Help Desk.  I guess to protect it, with a password, from marauders, hell-bent-and-data-bound?  From eager, Excel-based barbarians, paid by competitors to determine whether or not I’ve adequately staffed the right number of garbinmashers to keep our harmenfletchers in line?

The truth is that it doesn’t matter why it was password-protected, does it?

The fact is that without that document, I will be required, per the guidelines I signed during “onboarding”, to fall upon my departmentally supplied pen, spilling my blood, and possibly my coffee, in an act of contrition.

By God, I’ll go down fighting!

Sigh.


28 comments:

Susan Williams said...

For the record, Barbarians can't spell, either.
They were named Barbarians by the Romans, because their unlearned speech sounded to those fluent in Latin like the sound a dog makes.
Apparently, Roman dogs, when they bark in Latin, say, "Bar bar! Bar baar!"
And they CERTAINLY don't need no stinkin' passwords!!!!
Dang, I hate forgetting/losing/not knowing passwords!!!!!!!!
My deepest sympathies.

Shelly said...

Argh. Passwords. Fight till the end!

Pearl said...

Susan, that's awesome. :-)

Shelly, I shall! /sob/

They're in the process of restoring an earlier version today...

Delores said...

Ugh...pen wounds are the worst. Keep trying, you are bound to find the magic combination. Anything to avoid wasting a perfectly good cup of coffee.

Indigo Roth said...

Shall I smite it, dearest?

Oh, and did you try rebooting?

Leenie B said...

Computers are the most hard working allies but when they turn on us they say, "bar! bar! bar!" or "har! har! har!" Make sure the pen is sharp.

joeh said...

When the help desk can not help, they will try their best to make you feel stupid.

I once worked three desks over from an IT help desk. 90% of everything they did was resetting passwords.

This post is not the least bit funny...tell me you finally figured out the password and my opinion will do an about face, otherwise I refuse to take delight in anothers misery.

Who am I kidding, sorry, I laughed.

Should Fish More said...

Have you contacted Mordac, The Preventer of Information from IT?

Pearl said...

Delores, pen wounds. :-) I hadn't considered the kind of scar that will leave!

Indigo, yes, please, sweetie. :-)

Leenie, I'm hoping you say "bar bar bar" at least one more time today. :-) And yes, when one commits hari kari at work, one does it RIGHT.

joeh, nope. Still down, never figured it out. I am told that they will restore an earlier version, perhaps sometime in 2015. Really, though, I'm hoping to have it by noon today...

Should Fish More, oh, that was perfect. :-) Thank you.

63mago said...

Passwrod, indeed.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

"Mamas don't let your . . ."
"Hell bent and data bound"
Someone has been listening to Waylon and Hank Jr.!
:)

Steve said...

Good luck. I don't trust the cloud.

Joanne Noragon said...

This is awful. Apparently it was not my son-in-law who answered the help desk call.

jenny_o said...

When you permutated your passwrod, did you allow for the possibility that you hit the space bar instead of one or more letters? I'm not very mathy, but I think that might add a couple more combos. If all else fails, consider a sledgehammer.

In all seriousness, though, it feels SO BAD to be on the losing end of the power struggle with a computer. Been there, didn't like it a bit.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
...and you know the ACTUAL word will pass by you at 3.06am, donchya? YAM xx

Jinksy said...

Nightmare! When it comes to passwords to protect passwords, it's time to retire... LOL ♥

Pat Tillett said...

And that (dear people at the help desk) is why (despite your many warnings) people use things like 1234 or their name as their passwords!

Sorry that happened to you Pearl. It sucks!

Elephant's Child said...

Aaaaargh. And repeat.

Daisy said...

I am not one to misspell a passwrod either Pearl! I keep them all in a little notebook using paper and pencil...ok...as long as I don't lose the notebook! 8-0

Hope everything is soon restored and open.

Gigi said...

Hell bent and data bound! That is a classic Pearlism if I've ever heard one!

Sorry about your password issue. I've got so many passwords now, I've had to resort to writing them down.

You know that it will come to you at your regular 3:06 am potty break.

bill lisleman said...

Your title could inspire a new parody.
Blood and coffee - this sounds serious.

vanilla said...

Sorrowful tale. Then, insult to injury, assuming we can remember the password, can enter it correctly, we are required to change it frequently. GaaaaH!

Catalyst/Taylor said...

I always resort to the same cure. I go out into the street and look for a 12 year old. They can figure it out in a thrice. Or maybe even a deuce. (Come to think of it, nowadays maybe a 3 year old could get it even quicker.)

River said...

One of my daughters works as a password resetter, among other things. She tells me stories...
I hope you have it sorted and have accessed the work by now.

the walking man said...

So Pearl did you perhaps try to reset your computer back to an earlier date, errrrr system restore?

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Rose L said...

LOL My mind has a hard time remembering passwords--I am old now. I have 3 basic ones and if one does not work, I try the other 2 till I get it. I hate the fact that at work they make us change our password every 3 months and will not allow us to re-use an old one. I have to write down the new password each time and keep in in my cabinet. I hate passwords but do know ya need 'um!

bill lisleman said...

Your award winning post title had me linking back to this post in my latest post. thanks for the great title