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Friday, April 4, 2014

Wherein Pearl Harnesses Her Inner Parrot

Ring.  Ring-ring.  Ring-ring.

“Good morning, Acme Grommet and Gravel, a Worldwide Octopus Company, Pearl speaking.”

“Good morning, Pearl.  I’ve some questions regarding your gravetrational feebleblinking.  Do you have a moment?”

I frown.

I’da never taken this job if I’da knowed how much work it was going to be.

Ten years here at Acme Grommet and Gravel, and with the new job?  Like starting at a new place.

“Of course I do,” I say, “as long as we’re both cognizant of the fact that I’ve been in this newly created position for just under three weeks.”

“Oh, no worries, no worries.  I have some pretty basic questions.”

We both laugh.  Ha ha.  Work is funny.

“Okay,” I say.  “Fire away.”

“Well,” he says, “It’s like this.  We’ve got a four-to seven-spindled farquardt running about three clicks below harmanfletcher.  I’m just wondering if you’ve got a stop-gap measure we can get our mitts on.”

I close my eyes, reflect on that subsistence-farming thing all the kids are raving about. Maybe it's not too late to buy a goat, start wearing sensible shoes?

“I’m just going to take some notes,” I say.  “I’ve got concerns about your farman – your marfen – your thing there.  How many clicks did you say?”

“About three,” he says, a sound of relief in his voice.  Clearly, things are happening.  “And my biggest issue here is what with spring threatening and all that I’m going to access the vengravoored brakken intake-valve and end up with a drainage problem.”

I laugh.  “Oh, man,” I say.  “If I had a nickel for every time I couldn’t trust my vengravoored brakken intake-valve.”

He doesn’t respond. 

Maybe I’ve overshot.

“All right then,” I say, “I’m going to dig into this a little bit and get back to you.  Can I have your number, please?”

He gives me his number.  We hang up.

I look at my notes, wander over to my boss’s office, as I have done several times an hour, every work day for the last three weeks.

“Stacy?  Can I talk to you?”

She looks up from her computer.  “Sure thing,” she says.  “What’s up?” 

I look at my notes, cock my head in that endearing way I have, frowning slightly.  “Something about a four-to seven-spindled farquardt?  Concerns about an intake of some sort?  That sound right to you?”

 “Ah, rats,” she says, pushing away from her desk.  “It’s not operating below harmanfletcher, is it?”

I nod sorrowfully.  “Yep,” I say, pursing my lips.   “Right there below the ol’ harrmanfletcher.”


Indigo Roth said...

Pfft, and not a parrot in sight. Robbed. Robbed, I tells ya!

Should Fish More said...

Huh, I used to run into this when I was with Global Cashgrab....pretty simple actually, just graft in a trapazoid spurtcatcher below the harmannfletcher.

Camille said...

Well, three weeks into my new position at work and I feel that I'm running at least five notches below harmanfletcher.

Me thinks I may be getting too old for this 'changing on a dime' stuff Pearl. *Groan* Thanks for the much needed laugh this morning. X

Patricia said...

You new job sounds like Greek to me. They told me when I started my new job 4.5 years ago that at 5 years I'd have it down. I think I have it now... mostly. Chin up and keep up the good work. One day it will all make sense.

Bossy Betty said...

Can't you just start making things up? I mean just mess with them. Of anybody could do it, you could!

Leenie B said...

Three clicks is about standard for last year's version of those harmanfletchers. Tell him a new upgrade is in the works and will be out as soon as the intake-valve team works out the bugs.

Inner Parrots are very useful in the new-job experience.

Silliyak said...

Its not a bug, its a feature

vanilla said...

Oh, yes; learning the gobbledegook associated with a new job is the hardest part. May your harmanfletcher increase its intake.

Anonymous said...

A whole new language for you Pearl...maybe teach it to Dolly...it would sound enchanting with a lisp.

Joanne Noragon said...

And even if the fix cost fifty six cents, please do a recall and install it.
You should never consider exchanging three inch heels for a goat.

jenny_o said...

Notes are a good thing.

Having said that, in my job written notes are a required part of the process, and too many times lately I have found my notes - my own! written by my own hand! - are confusing. Heh. Don't tell anyone.

Steve said...

I think Should fish more hit the gizmo on the head. Or a couple of clicks below it.

bill lisleman said...

I was just listening to a song and this came up - "...little Early-Pearly came in by her curly-wurly and asked me if I needed a ride...'

Thanks Early-Pearly for the fun ride your writing gives.

Geo. said...

Harrmanfletcher? I found it inadvisable to work anywhere under him.

Rosemarie Blackthorn said...

Hit it with a bigger hammer.

That is a universal truth.

What every your job.

It works great on management too. In which case, you want to be starting with the bigger hammer and not give them a chance to get up.

Elephant's Child said...

Oh dear. This post needed to come with a warning. Both of my brain cells are hurting after reading it.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Rats, Rosemarie beat me to it. Clearly we are from same old school of mechanical simplicity.

Not the heady world of Acme Grommeteering... But I have been where you are now Pearlie and I just know you will learn that lingo!! YAM xx

joeh said...

Given the cold winter, I suspect a frozen fornastat, not a defective harmannfletcher.

But then for the purpose of your post, a defective harmannfletcher is way funnier.

Daisy said...

Huh??? :-D
O God, I love retirement. Altho the other day I went to the hardware store and asked for a "thing-a-ma-jig". Sweet young clerk knew exactly what I wanted.

wellfedfred said...

Smiling. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

At least you are getting some good blog material out of all this newness. Your new job is working out very well for me.

Daisy said...

All I got to say is better you than me! :D Have a nice weekend, Pearl.

Rose L said...

"four-to seven-spindled farquardt running about three clicks below harmanfletcher"

Catalyst/Taylor said...

Why do I think it's time to move on?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Thank you I just needed to read this

River said...

What? Wha....What??
I thought they were obsolete now?
Haven't they all been recalled?

Inspector Clouseau said...

Where is Rose Nyland of The Golden Girls when you need her?

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I'm sorry Pearl, but you're going to have to re-certify yourself on the use of harrmanfletcher utilization and calibration.

You need a harrmanfletcher Bescheinigung, and probably even a farquardt Re-Zertifizierung

Linda O'Connell said...

My husband said I sat up in bed last night and blathered those exact indiscernible words. He thought I was speaking a foreign language.