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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Part Four and Finale: Fuzzwald Gets His Wish; or Happy Birthday, Liza Bean

When a kitty’s eighth birthday comes around, one is obligated to attend the party, even if doing so may require that you call in to work with eye problems the next day.

Honestly, with the kind of hangover one is likely to have, you’re not going to be able to see going in.

That was Part One

And when the party is at Nye’s, 30 hep cats drinking gin and tonics, snacking on pureed gerbil on toast points and song-bird terrine, and the birthday kitty’s ex walks in the door?

Well, that was Part Two

And when Liza Bean is forced to deal with Fuzzwald T. Stripperson, formerly of the Hennepin County Lock-Up Strippersons and disgraced heir to the Stripperson foundation-garment industry?

That was Part Three.


Read on, won’t you?

“Hold on, Liza,” I whisper.  “What’s going on here?”

Liza Bean smiles, a bright, gleaming-toothed display that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

She leaps to the ground, beckons Fuzzy to follow her.

I watch as Liza Bean leads him to the corner of the banquet room in the basement of Nye’s, parts the crowd of the mysterious cat’s admirers to introduce her ex to the beautiful Abyssinian.

She returns just a few moments later.

Our waitress, knowing an opportunity when she sees it, brings two fresh drinks.  Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, symmetrically striped possessor of the only known picture of Marilyn Monroe flossing her teeth, accepts her drink gratefully.

She pulls another five from parts unknown and slips it to the waitress.  “You’re a doll,” she says.

I watch as the cat squeezes one lime after another into the drink.

I lean forward, peer at her intently.  I do not do well with confusion.  “I don’t understand,” I say.

She smiles.  “What’s to understand?

“He wants to meet someone – at your party – and you oblige?

She shrugs.

“He stole $400 from you!”

The cat is unconcerned.  “I managed to liberate several one hundred dollar bills from his wallet not long afterward, if you’ll recall.”

“He got drunk at last year’s Misfit Christmas party and did the most inappropriate impression of Helen Keller I’ve ever seen.”

“I sewed a deceased goldfish in the hem of his good jacket.”

“He got you drunk to break up with you and taped,” I counter, “your paws to the bar so that you, and I quote, “wouldn’t hurt herself if she fell off the stool.”

Liza Bean is dismissive.  “I once lit his tail on fire.”

I bark gleefully.  “Ha!”  I sip at my gin and tonic and shake my head.  “And now you’re introducing him to perhaps the most exquisite cat –“ Liza Bean narrows her eyes at me “—outside of you, of course, in the room.  At your own party!”

Liza sits up very straight, smiles.  I am suddenly reminded of the carvings on Egyptian tombs.

Frowning, I take a long sip from my drink. 

“Ol’ Fuzz will get what is coming to him,” she says softly.  “But not by me.”

I take another sip of my drink.  Maybe if I drink more this will start to make sense.

There is a commotion in the corner, and we turn to look.

Fuzzwald T. Stripperson has succeeded in wooing the Abyssinian from the would-be suitors. 

He is guiding her toward the exit.  Her striped hips sway gently from side to side, her tail held high, swishing viciously.

“Well,” I say, “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“What day is that, Pearl?”

I shake my head, hiccup in what I hope is a discreet manner.  “The day you introduce someone I know you still love to another female.  That is just weird.”

Liza Bean chuckles.  “And about to get weirder,” she says. 


Liza Bean’s eyes glow with amusement, emerald green in the muted light of the banquet room in the basement of Nye’s. 

“No one said that was a female,” she says quietly. 

And Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, leans forward to take another drink.  “Fuzzwald,” she says, her lips wrapped around the straw, “really needs to be more careful about who he trusts.”


Daisy said...

Don't stop! There is a novel here!

vanilla said...

I knew Fuzzwald was in for it! Didn't I tell ya?

Simply Suthern said...

Kinda reminds me of that M&M commercial.

Pearl said...

Daisy, thank you. :-)

Vanilla, Fuzzwald has had it coming for a long time.
And I get the feeling they're not done with each other yet...

Simply, oh no! Do I have to go looking for a commercial?!

Shelly said...

Hahahahaha!!!! Did not see that one coming~

Delores said...

Good one Liza...like to be a fly on the wall when old Fuzz realizes his mistake...AND when he comes calling on Liza Bean to 'chat' about it. Hope there's a 'day after' posting.

Pearl said...

Shelly, :-)

Delores, oh, I'm sure these two will run into each other again!

Daisy said...

Oh that Liza Bean! She's a sly one! :)

jenny_o said...

Suddenly I find myself humming "L-L-L-L-Lo-la"!

Awesome ending. For now :)

Pearl said...

Daisy, that kitty can't be trusted.

Jenny_o, I'll bet that was playing...

Susan Kane said...

Oh, revenge is sweet, esp. served with a g & t, losing his cash, and getting a big surprise.

Well done, Liz!

Pearl said...

Susan, oh, to have been in the taxi those two left in!

Geo. said...

A very good story! Liza shows surprising, if devious, kindness. Fuzzwald's troubling treatment of females suggests Liza has sent him off to a self-knowledge he could gain in no other way. I believe he will be kinder and happier for it.

Elephant's Child said...

Revenge is a dish best served ... by Liza Bean. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of her mastery.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! You are hilarious!

Pearl said...

Geo, I believe ol' Fuzzy can learn much from this experience. :-)

Elephant's Child, thank you for sticking around for four silly episodes of it!

Eva, thank you. :-) You are always pretty funny yourself!

Gigi said...

I am dying over here! LOVED it! And yes, old Fuzzy got what was coming to him.

Indigo Roth said...

Dammit, you almost put me off my pizza...

fishducky said...

I NEVER expected that!!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Hell has no fury like a woman (or cat) scorned.

Liza Bean, you are our hero.j

HermanTurnip said...

Geez...who knew cats were so vindictive...

...actually, probably everybody.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

I knew it!!! Ah, well, excuse me for the outburst. OH the suspense. You are the best.

River said...

"No one said that was a female", she says quietly.

oh Boy! My eyes popped and mouth dropped open!

That Liza, she knows what she is doing.

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Why you little....author! Funny, but dogs need to be the subject of future stories.
Smooches from pooches,
BabyRD & Hootie

Diane Tolley said...

Revenge is a dish best served . . . Fuzzy.