It’s quite possible that I will skip the bean burrito I
had planned for dinner.
And I’ve thrown out the kale salad I had made for lunch.
I rifle through my purse.
Do I have any Beano?
I am speaking at Metro State University tonight, to a
creative writing class, and my biggest fear is not that I will get lost on the
way there or that I will have nothing to say, but that I will develop gas roughly
at the same time I say “Hello. My name
is Pearl, and I’ve been writing the blog “Pearl, Why You Little” for the past
five years”.
Frankly, I don’t need the pressure.
I e-mail my sister with my concerns.
“Have you considered plastic pants?” she writes. “The kind with the elastic around the leg
holes?”
“So sweaty,” I write back.
“Well it is fall,” she says. “You can’t be too warm.”
“I’m going to write about this,” I say.
“And I will be inaccurately quoted, as usual,” she
says. “Oh, well. Purple monkey elevator.”
I nod at my screen.
Maybe she has a point.
Maybe plastic drawers isn’t a bad idea…
But no. Plastic
pants lack the professorial dignity I’ve been working on for, oh, the last 45
minutes. Besides, the rustle of plastic
under the fweep-fweep-fweep of a chubby-thighed woman in corduroy pants would
be overwhelming, possibly detracting from the solemnity of a college lecture…
I have very important things to say, you know.
I check my watch.
I leave in an hour.
I’m sure it will all be fine.
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38 comments:
Your sister is brilliant:) B
I'd suggest a cork but you might be in danger from the riccochet. Good luck....have someone video tape it so we can all enjoy your speech and the possible sound effects.
Your sister and Mary need to blog, too. Can't wait to hear about how it went~
*fweep fweep fweep*
Sighs delightedly, dreaming of corduroy =)
In demand as a speaker....wow, you've come a long way, Baby! Ah, what's a little flatulence between fans?
HAHAHAHAHAHA! And that's all I have to say about that...
It actually went very well last night.
And there was no flatulence.
I did, however, get lost when I left the parking lot afterward. :-)
Giddy, I was...
oh - I'm so happy for you! Of course you got lost on the way out - of course you did!
And we all breathe a sigh of relief.
Phew!
Ew.
What's that smell?
I'm absolutely sure it will be fine. However, I never thought about being worried about the gas thing (maybe I should have written some fart jokes into HENNY). Now I am. Thanks a lot. ;)
The lesser of two evils....getting lost is way better than farting in a crowd. Glad it went well.
Congratulations! Glad it went so well!! And I'm glad you didn't shart yourself - that would've been a bummer.
Exciting! Glad it went well. Do you get a big influx of readers after each speech?
And in future, the only advice that comes to mind is: if you're wearing a wireless mic, do not make a last minute trip to go potty before getting on stage.
I think those students are very lucky to have you as a speaker. I just hope none of them read your blog BEFORE you spoke as it would be very distracting. "Will she? Won't she" Would love a video, or at least a transcript!
I'm sure it went well--and you held in all your hot air until you left the building!
Fennel seeds, quick, run out and get some...I saw it on DR. OZ, and it works.
In fact I had a funny convo about it this morning, must have been fate that I saw your post on Buttons sidebar.
Jen
Woohoo! What gig. Bet you slayed them even without the whoopee cushion. Burritos on the menu today?
you'll be fine! You've done so well with your blog over the years, nice to catch up with you Pearl!
It's not easy to keep the gas in its proper place, especially after a certain age and in certain activities, such as standing up and walking. And standing around.
Glad all went well, and good for you.
I never for a moment imagined that it could be anything other than "fine." Well done!
Funny post. Funny comments! The pun/one from Rose that said "would've been a bummer" was great. Bummer. hehe. We would have suggested that you just bring along a dog and then blame it on him/her. That's what happens at our place.
Smooches from pooches,
BabyRocketDog & Hootie
Glad it went well and I wish I could have heard you. Lucky students.
You are young enough to have some control of your gas. Just wait. You will be in the lecture circuit soon. Have fun.
Hopefully it was a "gas-gas-gas," in the words of Mick Jagger. ;)
Pearl... thank you for the laugh ;-)
Glad to hear it went along with any "issues!" And it least you got lost on the way OUT of the parking lot instead of in.
I can't wait to hear how it went. I'm sure you were brilliant. and the gas...pretend it is yoga class where everybody expects it!
Oh good! Glad it went well. and you found your way home, too, so bonus points!
Haha! You crack me up!
So glad to hear all went well.
Trust me, plastic pants are worse than corduroys if you're concerned about making too much noise when you walk. Sure, they'll keep in any embarrassing moisture, but that terrible swish! swish! swish! brings nothing but unwanted attention.
So, was the lack of Beano a problem? Or is that the statement you wanted to make (what happens when you do not have beano)?
There's just something very endearing about a lovely, accomplished woman poking through her purse for Beano.
I am thrilled (and unsurprised) to hear that it went well.
You're speaking to a Creative Writing Class? What a coincidence! I've just signed up to take a Creative Writing Class.
I didn't know corduroy pants still existed.
You're wise to avoid the bean burrito and without it, you should be fine, Just don't gulp your coffee.
And was it? (Fine.)
Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting.
Your post made me laugh :)
I don't suppose a transcript is available? Or, better still, a recording? I'm serious.
And there is the additional worry of the elasticized rubber pants . . . inflating. Now that's a picture!
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