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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Metro State Wants Me Back! or Have Your People Call My Peop – Uh – Cat

Dolly “Gee” Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, pyramid-shaped feline and cross-eyed beggar of soft, chewy treats, lies flat on her back in the center of the room, the world’s least seaworthy vessel.

Poor Dolly.  Since betting – and losing – her rent money on the Orangemen in the NCAA Final Four last March, the albacore in her life, both actually and symbolically, has been thin.

And her hardscrabble upbringing will not allow her to accept what she feels she has not earned.


Flat on her back, she stares in the direction of the floor fan.

Dolly do love a good breeze.


“Hmm?”  She turns her bright blue eyes toward me. 

“You gotta stop this whole moping thing.  Frankly, you’re getting on my nerves.”

Dolly stares at me, raises her eyebrows. 

“I’m serious,” I say.  “Cut it out.”

“Maybe I’m deprethed,” she says.  Teased as a kitten for her lisp, it is rare that she speaks, preferring to “meow-meow” her communications instead.

“Maybe you’re a goofy cat with a gambling problem,” I say, not entirely sympathetically.

The cat smiles.  “Wanna bet?”

I smile back.  I love a cat with a sense of humor.  “Maybe we could work something out.”

She cocks her head at me.  I have her attention. 

“I’m speaking at Metro State again in October.”

The cat blinks.

“My first book, I Was Raised to be A Lert, is being used as a text book at a college; and they’ve asked me to speak.”

Blink.  Blink-blink.

"Remember?  I spoke there last year."


“I’m hoping, Dolly, that you can help me organize my notes.  And in exchange for that, I can offer you a third of a can of albacore three times a week and a professional grooming upon successful completion of the project.”

The cat sits up, offers me her paw.

“Put 'er there, Pearl.  You got yourthelf a thecretary.”


Indigo Roth said...

Hey PearlyGirl! Congratulations on the second Metro chat! (Did they ask you back to apologise for last time? That's always the case with me...) But "oh my" on the secretarial front. Those kids will do anything for tuna. Don't succumb to requests for advances! Roth x

Daisy said...

It's so hard to get good help these days. :D

Congratulations on your speaking engagement! How exciting!

Eva Gallant said...

How exciting! You will be awesome, I'm sure. Especially with the help of that secretary!

Eva Gallant said...

How exciting! You will be awesome, I'm sure. Especially with the help of that secretary!

vanilla said...

That is a great gig! And with such an aide-de-cat, it's a sure-fire thing.

Shelly said...


Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
clever move that woman - cats as sidekicks, (thorry, perthonal athithtanth), are a sure fire public relations win! Excellent gig. YAM xx

joeh said...

That is really cool (see how old I am) but I can't spell forschizzle.

Don't bring the cats, I wouldn't trust them.

Joanne Noragon said...

Hooray. I'm banging the table and smacking the water glass with my spoon. Don't forget Dolly's bonus, by the way.

Anonymous said...

Thath preciouth...

Kathleen McCoy said...

Great to hear about your speaking engagement and that your book is getting well-deserved attention once again! And now you have a uniquely able assistant as well!

Elephant's Child said...

Yay. And I am so pleased that Dolly will benefit from your success.

jenny_o said...

How egthiting!! I mean, exciting! To be asked back, and to have more publicity for your gem of a book.

Pyramid-shaped cat. I know whereof you speak.

Gigi said...

Hooray for you! And Dolly, of course. Congrats.

Lo said...

I am so happy for you, Pearl, and happy for Dolly too.. A brilliant solution all around.
And I want you to know that I purposely refrained from lisping.

By the way, re your comment on my blog I give you permission to adopt any of my semi-Yiddish expressions.
Love, Lo

Daisy said...

Does Lisa Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Bitey's know about this?

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Fantastic! Congratulations on the speaking gig. It might be a good idea to hold off on paying Dolly until after she's finished doing the work, though.

River said...

Some cats will do anything for albacore. I hope Dolly is a thatithfactory thecretary.
Congratulations on the repeat speaking appointment.