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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Well At Least She’s Off the Nip

I arrive home to find Dolly at the kitchen table.  Hunched over a sheet of paper, she looks up as I enter the room – and hastily blows her cigarette smoke out the window.

I thought we had discussed how I feel about smoking in the house.

I frown at her. 

Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, grins sheepishly, stubs out her Virginia Slim.  The ashtray, just one of many, is shaped like an unshelled peanut. 

Dolly is a collector.

I reach a hand out, scratch her behind one little black ear.  “What’s goin’ on, Dolly?”

Dolly leans into my hand and shrugs, a charming gesture in a cat, and points at the paper she’s been working on. 

NCAA Basketball Tournament.

“Can’t control yourself, huh?”  I say this affectionately, but her gambling has gotten out of control in the past. 

She shrugs again.  Teased relentless as a kitten for her lisp, she studiously circumvents all sibilant syntax.

I shake my head, go back into the living room.  “You lost your treat money last year,” I say over my shoulder.  “Remember?  You had to smoke your little ‘grits there in three-hit increments for a while.  And there wasn’t tuna for weeks.”  I put my purse on the chair, turn around.  “You sure you can afford this?”

Dolly clears her throat, pushes the sheet toward me, pointing.

I step back into the kitchen.  “Michigan State,” I read.  “The Spartans?  Are you sure?”

She nods, grinning, her tiny little teeth visible. 

“What about the Wildcats?” I ask.  “They were all you could talk about at dinner last night.”

It’s true.  Dolly spoke so incessantly on the subject that Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) finally arose, went to the kitchen sink and turned the hose on her.

She shrugs again. 

“Do you have a system this year?  Are you back to big mascots versus little mascots?”

She nods.  “I got a thythtem.” 

I pat her on the head, go back into the living room.  I finish taking off my coat, my shoes.

And then I check my sock drawer, where I’ve hidden a can of tuna in Dolly’s name.

In celebration or consolation, only time will tell.

35 comments:

poosemommy said...

Do you think Dolly would share her "thythtem" with "Luthy"? I think she owes money to the squirrels (again.) I saw one out front this morning, cracking his knuckles. He was the size of the neighbor's Corgi. The billy goat said he's not stepping in this time, she's got to learn her limitations.
~sigh~

Shelly said...

I hope the tuna is from a good year and the gourmet stuff, not just your everyday fish. Methinks Dolly will be having a good year this year...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Get her some professional help Pearl. She should be putting her money into an RSP or buying tuna stock. You may be contributing to the delinquency of a cat.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, every cool cat has a thythtem for getting tuna. Good thing you're onto her. ":)

vanilla said...

Well, some Cats just never learn.

esbboston said...

You sure know how to put the syn in syntax, aNd I mean that in a good wholesome manner, like always.

fishducky said...

Damn, you're clever! I bow to your comedic superiority!!!

CarrieBoo said...

So clever it hurts! :D

Eva Gallant said...

Michigan State, huh. Hope Dolly wins this year!

jenny_o said...

I heart your kitty posts :)

Not sure which part is my favourite, and glad I don't have to decide, but the "s" alliteration was grand, and so was Liza Bean's reaction to Dolly's dinner conversation!

Pearl said...

Poosemommy, Dolly is, at heart, a generous kitty. Tell Lucy to stop by. Bring tuna.

Shelly, Dolly’s palate is not the most refined, but she does enjoy the albacore. :-)

Raymond, you don’t think she’s playing my sympathies in the HOPES of tuna, do you?!!

Vanilla, I know lots of cats that haven’t learned. :-)

Esb, and I shall accept that as such. :-)

Fishducky, but more importantly, what are Michigan State’s chances this year?! (And thank you, sweetheart!)

Carrieboo, oh, not all that clever, really. I just make this stuff up in the hopes of getting a couple laughs. :-) And thank you.

Eva, I hope so, too. She moped for ages after last year’s…

Jenny-o, you’re never alone – or out of weird things to make up – when there’s kitties around. Not that I made this up. This is all perfectly true.

Dee Ready said...

Dear Pearl,
I can't thank you enough for your daily dose of laughter. I so look forward to reading your blog and to learning what Dolly, the gambler, and Liza Bean, the out-of-work feline, are doing.

Your imagination is stunning!

Peace.

Beach Bum said...

Sparky the Dog and Spock the Cat here at my house say it will be the Tarheels.

Joanne said...

I'm impressed you didn't try to influence her in any way. And, the can of tuna is so sweet. There aren't any Virginia Slims behind the tuna are there?

Pearl said...

Dee, oh, that's so sweet of you. :-)

Beach Bum -- hey! I was just at your place but couldn't comment! Tell Sparky and Spock that Dolly definitely considered the TarHeels but in the end had to go with a great big mascot, as is the way of her gambling people...

Joanne, while I do abuse her about her smoking, I might have a 'grit or two stashed for her. A kitty only lives nine times, you know.

Belle said...

I've often thought sports betting was a viable retirement plan. Go Spartans!

Hilary said...

You're a hoot. At least she's up front and honest about it. That means she'll play fair. Nobody likes a cheetah.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Michigan State? Dolly is an optimist, isn't she?

Leenie said...

heh!

Pearl said...

Belle, you and Dolly are on the same plan. I reserve a can of the good tuna for you!!

Hilary. O, Hilary. :-) A woman after my own heart.

Green Girl, she likes to stay somewhat regional while indulging her big-mascots-over-little-mascots theory...

Leenie, :-)

The Angry Lurker said...

What odds is she quoting?

Ms Sparrow said...

Your Dolly has more personality then a lot of people I know!

Craver Vii said...

A lisping cat is so endearing. My poor old cat is losing teeth. I wonder if he'll eventually be able to do that super pucker that my grandparents did when the removed their dentures.

Sioux said...

Dolly's way smarter than me, because when people start talking about "brackets," it's like a foreign language to me.

I hope she wins, and wins big.

Gigi said...

If she understands those bracket things then I wouldn't underestimate her. You've got to be a genius to figure all that stuff out.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Ith vewy impohtant to have a thythtem.

Ith cwiticawh.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I have a thythtem when we go to the race track .. and we / I win often !

But it is secwet.

Linda O'Connell said...

"Turned the hose on her..." STOP! Your imagination is running away with me.

River said...

I think you're so sweet to hide a stash of tuna for Dolly.

Supergreensunbear said...

Hehe, I really like the personified kitteh kind sotries. Never have the tuna steaks been so high.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I, personally, found your post very funny. As always. And it got me thinking about a Sin Tax on gambling ....

However, as I was reading it aloud to my own dear Winston, he gave me a reproachful look just before he gakked up a squidge of furball and Friskies.

He's not an MSU fan. Pass the tip on to Dolly if you like.

HermanTurnip said...

Win or lose, I'm on Dolly's side!

The Elephant's Child said...

And if either of them had opposable thumbs that can of tuna would be gone.

Douglas said...

Bookies love kittens with systems.

the walking man said...

Of course the Spartans have a great chance this year...after all SOMETHING has to go right in Michigan sometime this year. There's only going to be one so it may as well be top spot for the Spaties.