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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Part VI: Wherein I Tattle


Let’s see now. We’ve been amusing ourselves the last five days or so with the tales of the Jefferson Hillbillies, a motley group of State-assisted renters down the block whose brief foray into my and my neighbors’ lives has been commemorated in both verse and song (witness the ever-popular fireside sing-along known locally as “Them Local Folk-als Appear to be Yokels, or Square-Headed Terry’s Got Yer Maw”).

Today’s tale of deception and droopy pants?

I’m Telling On You!


When we first met the Jefferson Hillbillies (not their real name), they had just moved in, a collection of mattresses and over-sized TVs, a family who quickly set up a ping-pong table on the sidewalk and a makeshift bar (AKA a “cooler”) in the front yard.

From there, we learned of the eldest son’s entrepreneurial spirit, his willingness to ask for your help and/or your cashhis incursion into the egg-hurling sports, and his venture into the high-stakes world of gas-station-parking-lot drug distribution.

Boris, as we came to refer to him, had become the turd in the Northeast Minneapolis punch bowl.

And I’d had enough.

There are websites, if you know where to look, that will tell you who owns rental property. In short order, I’d found his landlords.

Dear Mr. Tranh and Associates,

It may come as some surprise to you to find that the people you have rented to at 1136 Jefferson have become a topic of heated discussion in the neighborhood.

The new sod you put in at the beginning of the summer? A memory. It is now dirt, the only remaining grass being under the couch that has been in the front yard since June.

The new cement steps leading up to the porch? If we can judge by the evidence before us, it appears a 30-gallon keg was dropped on it, taking out a good-sized chunk. The keg’s dropping, however, does not appear to have affected the keg itself, which is still laying in the front yard. Next to the couch.

I recall you adding a new screen door to the front of the house in May. While the hinges are still there, the door itself is not. Makes you wonder what happened to it.

The neighborhood has been inundated with requests from your tenants for money, rides to the store, and inquiries regarding our desire to “score some green”. I am sure that this is not what Tranh and Associates had intended when this property was rented out, but that is what you’ve got.

This is a good neighborhood. I would hate to have to go door-to-door to let my neighbors know your name and address, as I am sure that your peace of mind is as important to you as it is to us.

Please contact me at the number listed below as soon as you can. I believe we can work through this amicably.

Hugs and Kisses,

Pearl

I received a call from Mr. Tranh less than a week later, who promptly fired his “rental management company” and started eviction proceedings.

I love a man of action.

And I can’t wait to see the move-out party.

31 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Maybe you'll be invited. Hope there's no 'hangin' trees in their backyard lol.

Leenie said...

Karma comes after everyone eventually. If not Karma then watch out for Pearl!

Shelly said...

A block party celebrating the block heads' departure would be apropos. You are a good person, Pearlie~

Pearl said...

Delores, we have some lovely trees in the neighborhood...

Leenie, I had all I can stands, and I couldn't stands no more.

Shelly, that house and its tenants were a sore thumb... I never even wrote about the cop cars, simply because I never did find out what all the fuss was about...

savannah said...

amen, sister! xoxoxoxo

joeh said...

And so "Meet the Blockheads" was canceled and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" was born!

I am holding you responsible.

You lost a lot of very good material with their exit, I guess your gain is our loss.

Pearl said...

savannah, and amen to that!

joeh, I am also the reason the McRib is not always available. :-)

Rose said...

THAT was a great letter.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
... - party hosted by one Ms Pearl from down the road? She's good at wait service I believe &>

Pearl said...

Rose, :-) I thank you!

Yamini MacLean, I have the black pants and the starched white shirt to prove it! :-)

jenny_o said...

A most satisfying ending. The next time I need a zinger comeback or a comic-vengeful letter, may I give you a call?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Buh-Bye, Boris!
Pearl, I need your mad letter writing skillz in my neighborhood. We get some questionable renters, oh yes, we do.

Kana said...

Get 'em, Pearl! Lawn edgers unite, remember that those are knives you are carrying!

Don't know if this will be your humor, but it DOES validate your assessment of Tran(h) as a man of action...Couldn't resist, sorry. :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO0kRE5OTZI

Pearl said...

jenny_o, I got mad letter-writing skillz.

Dawn, Hey! I just said that! :-) I'm starting to get the feeling that there are a lot of neighborhoods with Borises in them...

Kana! You go home now! :-) (funny video!)

fishducky said...

GOOD FOR YOU!!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Good for you! (And your whole danged neighborhood.) Better watch out. If your neighbors find out you're the one who instigated the eviction, they might want to make you neighborhood president. Or queen. Yeah, queen. On second thought, that wouldn't be so bad...

Pearl said...

fishducky, :-)

Susan, Neighborhood Queen, eh? Hmm!

The Savage said...

Pearl, you're my hero!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Best kind of landlord!

Geo. said...

Pearl, I have enjoyed this serial exposition so very much! Thank you.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

But now where are you going to score your green?

River said...

You've got to love a landlord who takes immediate action.

Too many of them don't care as long as the rent keeps coming in.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

So you met my husband's second cousins! I told him that when they started marrying their sisters, there'd be trouble.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

So you met my husband's second cousins! I told him that when they started marrying their sisters, there'd be trouble.

Rosemary Nickerson said...

Pearl, I truly enjoyed the serial of the Jeffersons. What I liked most was your clear-eyed summation of the situation and that you took action to correct the problem. You are a GOOD CITIZEN.
Rosemary

sage said...

I've always wanted to receive a business letter signed "Hugs and Kisses"

Daisy said...

Pearl saves the day!! Hurray! You write a very convincing letter. :D

HermanTurnip said...

Oh...PLEASE set up a web cam so we all can enjoy the moving proceedings. Lemme guess, they'll slowly move their stuff out using a 80's Datsun Crew Cab (minus the cab), lash down their mattresses with power cord extensions, and loudly belt out the best of Stryper as they head off into the sunset.

This we gotta see...

Linda O'Connell said...

The management party was probably related tit he hillbillies.

Rose L said...

Glad to hear a happy ending! I hope the next tenants were cream of the crop!

The Elephant's Child said...

I do love women of action. And landlords who are ready to take action. And can hardly wait for the moving out party. The neighbourhood's party, not that of the Hillbillies.