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Friday, March 15, 2013

Part II: I Know A Guy Who Can Get You a Good Deal on Speakers

When last we spoke, the New Kids on the Block had just moved a dozen mattresses, several large-screen TVs and an ottoman into the duplex down the street, gone on to set up a ping-pong table on the sidewalk, and had settled in for a solid evening of hootin’ and hollerin’.

And there was much rejoicing.

The cans littering the boulevard in the morning bespoke their affinity for Ice House, a lower-cost, higher-alcohol-content beer known for its ability to cause fist fights and impregnate at 50 paces.

After the christening of the new digs, things were quiet until the following weekend, when I happened to be in the front yard in time to see the oldest of the boys come running down the middle of the street.

As a quick aside, I’d like to interject that following their move-in, I never again saw the parents, but I did see the children, ad nauseam. All boys in that family, all with abnormally large, square heads. This is not an exaggeration. Those boys had big, square heads, particularly noticeable over the brows – which wasn’t so much a forehead as it was a fivehead.

Ba dum bum.

So there I was, as the old saying goes, minding my own business, when I see Head Number One – we’ll call him Boris – come running down the street carrying two large wooden stereo speakers. Remember the 70s? Remember those huge speakers in that one guy’s basement?

Well these are them.

Boris is running down the middle of the street with them, one on each shoulder. He is panting.

Clearly he has been running for quite some time.

A quick look over his shoulder, and he is satisfied with what he sees – or does not see – and continues to run at a somewhat slower pace.

He runs past our parked car, abruptly stops and backs up.

“Hey!” he yells.

I turn to him, my hands full of the plants I am moving from one location to another.

“You wanna buy some speakers?”


“You wanna buy some speakers?” he repeats. “I’ll give ‘em both to you real cheap. Fifty bucks for both.”

“No, thanks,” I say, turning.

“Thirty bucks!”

I shake my head.

He may be speaking to me, but he is staring down the street in the direction he came from as he does so.

“Twenty bucks, and this is my last – oh! Shit!

A Lincoln Continental comes tearing down the street, and Boris loses his grip on reality and the speakers and one of them crashes to the tar, wooden splinters everywhere. He juggles and manages to hold on to the remaining speaker. Dodging the speeding car, he cuts through our neighbor’s front yard and into the alley, where he yells his parting offer:

“Ten bucks! Ten bucks for the one speaker!”

I return to my flowers.

Come back tomorrow for Part III!


Shelly said...

He certainly seems the entrepreneurial sort...

Mitchell is Moving said...

What is it they say in Minnesota? O, jeez...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Nothing like bringing a little excitement into the neighbourhood.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

HA! Those speakers were so hot, it's a wonder they didn't burst into flames!

haphazardlife said...

70s speakers? Now, if they had been recent maybe....

Eva Gallant said...


Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Now, if you'd asked him which language they speakered in, I wonder how the price would have fared?

The Savage said...

I know a guy what still has speakers like that and the 8-track player they are attached to..... and hundreds of 8-track cassettes all in working order.... His Ex-wife has a Radar-Ranger microwave from 1977 that they shelled out $700 for after it went on sale at a Montgomery Wards....

Camille said...

Wow - you passed up a giant speaker for only ten bucks? Heck Pearl, you could have covered it in some nice faux wood grain contact paper and used it as a coffee table. Just saying.

joeh said...

My Daddy always told me, "Never buy speakers from a man with a square head!

However $20 for the pair does sound like a good deal.

How did you keep from laughing?

Sweet Posy Dreams said...

Oh my. Although I was very proud of my big Bose speakers in college.

jenny_o said...

I am so proud of you for resisting that fine deal!

*wipes away tear of pride*

Wait, that should be *tear of mirth*


Susan Kane said...

Fivehead...excellent! I eagerly await the next segment!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ice House!

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Highway robbery lol

Kana said...

It's not exactly a drive-by, because of his pedestrian status, but I still feel we can safely call that drive-by mercantilism.

The MOST aggressive sales pitch outside of a car dealership that I ever did see.

Rose L said...

There goes the neighborhood...Pearl is planting!!
Oh, and that is not the kind of person I would want living in my neighborhood!!

esbboston said...

Oh, sorry, the combination of your font choice and me not wearing glasses prescription, I thought you blog title was about sneakers. And then I remembered that I seLL shoes too sometimes, mainly in the spring. Then upon closer inspection I saw it was not sneakers and I don't reaLLy seLL anything that you might caLL a sneaker, just toe shoes. Are you warm yet? I have added Minneapolis to my choice cities for the weather channel. Hey! Its the weekend! Are you getting unbusy? (I ...have...new...toys!!!)

Rosemary Nickerson said...

"Five head"!!!!! Too cool.