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Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Champeenship


“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Championship.  I’m Greg Dowdy –“

“ – and I’m David Weekly.  Today’s competition promises to be one full of the spirit, the vitality of the people of this frozen land of ours and the dynamic energy with which those same people fight off boredom.”

“And hypothermia, Greg.  Let’s not forget hypothermia.”

“Right you are, David.  Tonight’s match is the result of two hard-fought events, events in which we marveled at the flight pattern of flung slippers, the flailing of pale limbs, the gusto with which the pallid flesh of our contestants has been stripped and slung toward the promise of flannel sheets.”

“Well said, Greg.  I’d like to add that this has all been done while perfectly sober.”

“That’s right, David.  The broadcasting of the drunken version of this event, held every New Year’s Eve right around 2:30 a.m., ensure both late-night fun and an opportunity for gambling.”

“Wonderfully inappropriate for the whole family.”

“It’s all boiled down to this moment, David.  One contest, one chance.  The Upper Midwest Full Disrobe International Guidelines provide s with the rules:  slippers, socks, leggings, flannel pants, underwear, bra, camisole, long-sleeved tee, cardigan.  In other words, all the things your average woman wears on your average night on the couch, mid-winter.  All of these things are to come off as quickly as possible, followed by a dash across the linoleum –“

“ – or tile –”

“ – or tile floor.  In this corner, we’ve got Amy Peterson, originally out of Brownsville, Ohio, mother of two boys.”

“Greg, Amy’s best known for her vocabulary, both presentable and profane, her collection of toe-socks, and having once made oatmeal for an entire week to, and I quote, teach those dang kids a lesson.”

“Right you are, David.  And in the other corner is her opponent, Tammy Schneider.  Tammy comes to us out of a suburb of Minneapolis where she keeps a grip on her sanity through careful adherence to a strict two-drink minimum before supper.  David, this woman was absolutely Zen-like in the utter destruction of her opponent in Round Two.”

“I don’t think you can use the words “Zen-like” and “destruction” in the same sentence, Greg.”

“Yes, I can, David.”

Ding!

“And there’s the bell, Greg!  The slippers have been flung!  Both participants have discarded their slippers at what may be judged as exactly the same time!  I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“David, we’re cheek to cheek, if I may be so bold, going into what we in the business call The Dropping of the Drawers.  Socks, leggings, flannels, undies:  Incredible!”

“And there go the cardigans, long-sleeved tees, camis, and bras!  Up and over the head in moves normally reserved for someone being attacked by a swarm of bees, the intensity of this competition is electric!  And it’s all come down to the bolt to the bed!  The spring – the leap – both bodies are hitting the mattress at the same time!  Ladies and gentlemen, could this be a tie?”

“David, let’s go to the instant replay.”

“Holy Hannah, Greg, do you see that?!”

“A birthmark shaped like India?”

“The fingertips!  Tammy’s nails have broken the mattress plane!”

“And there you have it, America!  Stick a fork in it, we’re done!  Tammy Schneider is the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Champion!”

“Stick a fork in it, we’re done??  Greg, you’re an idiot.”

“That I am, David.  That I am.” 

25 comments:

Shelly said...

I knew it- I had my money on Tammy. And I'm wondering if we've been doing things wrong down here in the South. If you get nekkid to get warmer, should we be bundling up to get cooler? An interesting premise...

savannah said...

“The fingertips! Tammy’s nails have broken the mattress plane!”

sweet mary sunshine, sugar! i told you this was a young woman's game! ;~)

xoxoxoxxoo

vanilla said...

“Wonderfully inappropriate for the whole family.” As is most TV programming.

What a contest! I was betting on Tammy; but it was a real nail-breaker in the end.

SherilinR said...

pearly, this is hilarious and so cleverly written. i do a version of this strip tease most night and then shiver violently in bed for a few minutes until the covers do their job and bring my body temp back to a stable level. i'd snuggle up to my husband, but he screams if i touch him with any of my icy body parts.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

And now, "Amy Peterson" is famous! And Brownsville, Ohio, is on the map! Thanks to Pearl.

PS: Those ($#!@& boys needed to learn a lesson, with that oatmeal.

Sincerely,
Dawn "Amy Peterson" Weber
;)

Craver Vii said...

This was the funniest one, yet! The Zen-like destruction, bee-swarm hand-waving, and your final touches with Greg's idiocy totally cracked me up.

Oh, and I was rooting for Tammy. Her inner Inuit and counter-intuitive response to cold made me expect that she'd pull ahead, but hats off to Amy for achieving such a close finish.

jenny_o said...

This white-knuckle photo-finish competition has raised my heart rate to the "aerobic" zone ... from LOL-ing ... Thank you for helping me get my exercise today!

Excellent broadcast skills, too, by the way :)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Tammy by a fingernail...and a birthmark shaped like India. I knew I was betting on the right gal.

Geo. said...

Delightful!

Leenie said...

YAY TAMMY! Although both certainly gave it their all. Do we get interviews after the game?

p.s. Admiring the frigid floor, frozen feet to cardigan technique. That takes guts. Even though it slows me up a bit, I always save the fuzzy slippers for last.

bill lisleman said...

Love the background stories and oatmeal.
I can't wait for the drunken versions.

Pearl said...

Lovin' the comments. Disturbing day at work today so not online earlier, but word to those who can help, I just may be looking for a job quite soon. Ack!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm here to collect my winnings. My money was on Tammy from the get-go.

Kana said...

Seems people were betting heavily on the Zen Destroyer...I root for every one of them, like figure-skating. Giving them encouragement, groaning at a fall - I also answer Jeopardy! questions.

In this case, I recommend a carpeted bedroom, and disrobing right in front of it. Barring that, I also find a few deep breaths right beforehand can help stioke that last little bit of the body's flagging energies into body heat. Either that or I'm stalling before the plunge.

Lo said...

Holy, moly......what a great series this was. Is it really over? Damn, I want MORE. I love David and Greg.....can't you have them call some other contest? If there is no real one you could just make one up.......

Gigi said...

Loved the finish, Pearl! But sorry to hear about the work thing. If you are willing to move South, I'll see what openings we have.

R. Jacob said...

I was wondering when that competition will be out on DVD?

HermanTurnip said...

“Wonderfully inappropriate for the whole family.”

This is the sort of endorsement that immediately gets my money!

Eva Gallant said...

Well done! An amazing event surely found only in Minnesota!

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh Pearl. I hope your disturbing day at work doesn't live up to its threats.
And I loved the great disrobe. A lot. Thank you.

Pat said...

'The flailing of pale limbs.'
a bit much for me to digest at 10.23 am.

Indigo Roth said...

As a man sitting in his underpants, despite the cold weather (I believe in the healing power of suffering and big nipples), I was delighted to enjoy my first-and-possible-only actual LOL of the day. Priceless, Pearl. Thank you.

River said...

Hooray for Tammy, may she hold her championship a long time.
I agree with Kana re disrobing right beside the bed.
Right Beside The Bed.
No mad dashes across icy floors through icy air.

Diane Tolley said...

And the crowd swells with the sound of Tam-my! Tam-my! Tam-my! And wait! Is that someone's long underwear? Tossed onto the stage? This crowd is really getting frisky!

Ian Lidster said...

Congratulations to Tammy. I'd like a photo of her nekkid with no naughty bits airbrushed. Is that too much to ask?