I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Cat’s in the Cradle with the Silver-Spooned

It is 10:30 on a Sunday morning.

Coffee in hand, I go looking for the cat.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, having attended her third fundraiser in as many days, is found asleep in the pool of sunshine currently warming a particular spot on the living room rug.

“Liza,” I say, “Liza Bean.”

The kitty stirs not.

“Tuna,” I whisper.  “Tuna and cream and tiny bits of stolen bacon.”

“Huh?”  The cat snaps awake, emerald green eyes blinking rapidly. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a tiny example of symmetrically striped impudence, a cat with a time-share in Val d’Isere and the ability to curl up, undetected, on your lap, rises and yawns elaborately.

“I’ve had the most exhausting week.”

I bend down.  Anticipating the petting, she lifts her little face, closes her eyes as I run my fingers on one side and then the other, from nose to cheek, from nose to cheek. 

She smiles.  “That was lovely, Pearl.  Thank you.”

 “How’s the fundraising coming?”

“Well,” she says, “I think the people are ready for a serious candidate.”  She picks up her right front paw, flexes and detracts her claws. 

“So a return to the gold standard?”

“Of course.”

“A thoughtful discussion of the merits of a four-day work week?”


“A return of multi-mouse housing units in the Executive Branch?”

She smiles.  “Can there be any doubt?”

I lean over, pick her up.  She resists, as she always does, then relaxes.  “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?  You’re really running?”

Liza Bean purrs loudly, closes her eyes.  I rub my nose against the top of her head, between her little ears.

“Remind me,” she says sleepily, “to tell you about last night’s dinner.”  She yawns.  “The most ridiculous people show up to political fundraisers.”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” I say, grinning.  “Whatever it was, I hope you’ve managed to keep it out of the press.”

But it’s too late:  Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, is sound asleep.

Bitey/Squeakers 2012 buttons and postcards available through Zazzle.  Why not take a gander?


Anonymous said...

Liza Bean for President!

Pearl said...

haphazardlife, why not?! :-)

CarrieBoo said...

Love the Zazzle site design! That's beauty.

4 day work weeks you say... how about 3? Come on Liza Bean, make it happen.

joeh said...

A Lisa Bean Presidency might be Catastrophic!
That is for your title which will now be running through my head all day!!

Pearl said...

CarrieBoo, I love that you said it's "beauty". :-)

joeh, you're welcome! I do love me some Cat Stevens.

esbboston said...

Oh, wow, you have Tee shirts with your face as a 9 cent postage stamp, in-ter-e-sting. WeLL, I know what I'm getting for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

If it doesn't work out for Liza we could use some fresh meat over here in Canada. Our political scene is getting pretty stale.

Pat said...

She has my vote. Any day of the week!

vanilla said...

“The most ridiculous people show up to political fundraisers.”

That would be people that contribute cash to candidates for office.

Run, Liza Bean!

mary i said...

That Great Cat, She has my Vote. Go Liza Bean!!!

Pearl said...

esb, the tee-shirt design came courtesy of Indigo Roth. :-) Very nice, although it does go against my Midwestern sensibilities in some ways!

Delores, Liza has a soft spot for Canada...

Pat, that works for her, as she asks that you vote ALL days of the week where possible.

vanilla, exactly.

mary i, she counts on your support, you know!

bill lisleman said...

You have thinking I should try my hand on some zazzle products. Cats are big on the web plus your funny words might be a winner.

Joanne Noragon said...

Do you think Liza will split the vote so much the Green party will have the majority?

esbboston said...

So logic wise, does that work out to be an 'insensibility'?

Pearl said...

bill, talk to Indigo. He knows everything about it!

Joanne, I think anything is possible. :-)

esb, hey! Don't make me pull this car over!

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl! Man, me and Tunguska got to get ourselves organised. Roth x

Pearl said...

Indigo, why rush? The cat has just sent a bottle of gin and several large pizzas to your house. Why stress? Relaaaaaax.

Kana said...

I'm voting The Bean!
Corruption never before curled up in such a little ball of fluff.

River said...

I'm already on a four day work week. It's fabulous and everybody should have them. Day five is de-stress and appointments/shopping day, then the weekend proper is free, free, free!

Gigi said...

You can count on my vote! And if I don't see her name on the ballot when I get there I will put her down as a write in candidate....seriously!

Stephen Hayes said...

These stories with Liza Bean Bitey are treasures. You need to compile a kitty memoir: The dark and furry underbelly of a cat running for president.

Lo said...

Seriously, does this mean that Liza Bean is living with you now in your new digs? If so, what about Dolly G. Squeakers? And is she Liza's VP?

Lin said...

I heard this blip about Chicago politics the other day:

My father was a staunch Republican and voted so his entire life. Then he died and he has been voting Democratic ever since.

I think you'd get tons of votes (alive AND dead) in Chicago, cat friend.

HermanTurnip said...

She has my vote!

jenny_o said...

I hope it was those "silver-spooned" at the fundraiser - it takes a lot of money to become President :)

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I am considering writing Liza Bean's name in.

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean for Supreme Overlord.

Rose L said...

I came up with a new campaign slogan--A PUSS ON EVERY PORCH.

Linda O'Connell said...

Liza Bean Bitey is my write in candidate!

Eva Gallant said...

Liza Bean is definitely a shoo-in!

Roshni AaMom said...

I'm getting a zazzle button now!!