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Thursday, September 13, 2012

And A Tiny Kitty Shall Lead Them

Today's post is a continuation, somewhat, of yesterday's.  Or not.  It also stands alone.  I think.  :-)



“Pearl.  Pearl.

The room dark, the sound of my white noise machine pleasantly static-ing in the background, I have quite recently become aware of a weight on my chest and the sound of my name being whispered.

Am I dying?

I frown in my sleep.  “Yes, Lord?”

There is the sound of light, tinkling laughter, the strong scent of limes in the area just north of my face.  I open one eye.  “Liza Bean?  Why – Where – What time is it?”

She sighs.  More limes.  “Oh, Pearl,” she says, “does anyone really know what time it is?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, her tiny paws placed just so, is sitting atop my chest.   Symmetrically striped, meticulously groomed and possessor of both the World Record in the Domestic Mouse Dangle and a piece of the True Cross, she is no respecter of time.

I open both eyes.  “OK,” I say.  “Don’t tell me.  I don’t care.”

She adjusts herself, now occupying an even smaller amount of space than before.  “I just, uh, wanted to thank you for letting me use your car.”

My eyes widen.  “Oh, no.  What happened?”

Liza Bean’s eyes glint in the available light, the very essence of amused charm.  “What makes you think something happened?”

“Well for one thing,” I say, sitting up and pushing the kitty to the bed, “You used the word “uh” just a moment ago.”

Liza Bean straightens herself defensively.  “Can’t a kitty suffer a minor speech disfluency now and then?”

“Uhhhhh, you?” I say.  “No.”

“Sarcasm,” she says, scandalized, “is no substitute for wit.”

Oh, this is too much.  “You woke me up!  You know I don’t sleep, and now I’m awake at –“  I lean over, grab my cell phone from the night stand.  “3:22 a.m.!  I’ll never get back to sleep.  Ah, Liza, for cryin’ out loud, I’m doomed!”

I stop abruptly.  There is naught but the sound of white noise and a small, striped cat clearing her throat.

I’ve gone too far.

“Sorry.”

Liza Bean reaches back, casually licks her shoulder blade.  “We can forget it this time.”

The white noise machine hums.

“So what did you wake me for?  Surely not to thank me for the car.”

“Actually,” and here the cat glances rather anxiously, I think, toward the front door, “If anyone, say a policeman or some other uniformed authority figure , were to ask you where I was tonight, I can count on you to say we were here, together, all night, catching up on Dexter, yes?”

I sigh heavily, close my eyes.  “What happened.”

The cat chuckles, the sound of champagne being poured over ice.  “Well,” she says, “I’ve taken a stand against baggy-bottomed youngsters and their center-of-the-road-walking ways.”

I can’t help myself.  I open my eyes again, smiling broadly.  “You didn’t.”

Liza Bean raises a paw, licks it thoughtfully.  “I did.”  She places her paw carefully next to its counterpart.  “I tire of them, frankly.  They wouldn’t move, despite my request that they do so immediately, and so I handled it.”

She smiles.  “You know how every now and then you’ll see a pair of shoes strung over a telephone line in a bad neighborhood?”

I nod.

“Glance upwards on your way to the bus tomorrow morning,” she says.  “Three pairs of oversized drawers now festoon the lines.”

And with that, Liza Bean yawns, an elegant show of tiny, pointed teeth, and curls up next to me on the bed.

“We shan’t see them around here again,” she murmurs.

I run a hand down her soft, purring body.  “You should run for President, Liza Bean.”

Eyes closed, she smiles as she visibly drops off to sleep.  “I really should, shouldn’t I?”

41 comments:

Shelly said...

On the pro Well Fitting Pants platform alone, Liza Bean has not only my vote, but my heartfelt devotion.

R. Jacob said...

With regards to my son, I am not sure what the age limit is on the pants look in question, but it will be duly noted when it stops!

Pearl said...

Shelly, so we can count on your vote? :-)

R., my boy did that for a while as well. It took about two weeks of me trying to stick my fingers down his crack (I never succeeded, by the way, nor did I want to!) before he started pulling his pants up. :-) A war well fought!

Nessa Roo said...


Liza Bean may have invented my new favorite Olympic Sport! I'm on my way now to post a "No Sag Zone" sign in my yard.

SherilinR said...

i like a cat with the confidence and verve to be able to pants a mostly grown human.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Good for Liza Bean....I hope the little devils were still in the pants when she draped them over the lines. If you won't give her a alibi, I will lol.

Pearl said...

Nessa, I would be okay with you extending that all the way to Minnesota!

Sherilin :-) The little bugger does kinda grow on you, doesn't she?

Delores, I'm picturing it, Delores! I'm picturing it!

Douglas said...

I am not sure we are ready for the cats to officially take over.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I will absolutely Be There to vote for Liza Bean. Really. love from way down here.

vanilla said...

I can see her getting the pants; but I am having trouble picturing the placing of them over the line. Sleight of Cat, I suppose.

vanilla said...

I meant to write "sleight of claw" but I had a brain-burp right then.

Pearl said...

Douglas, the cats would suggest that they already have -- we just don't know yet...

ABroad, she counts on you, you know. :-)

vanilla, or sleight of paw. :-) No matter how you slice it, it comes up "clever kitty". :-)

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! It's either the telegraph wire or the wet thumb. Liza made a choice. And she's going to continue, isn't she? Indigo x

Pearl said...

She chose, IR, and now I think it's America's time to choose. :-)

Is the U.S. ready for a feline President? I think so!

fishducky said...

I swear she never left my side all night! (Did I mention that I'm one of the best witnesses money can buy?)

Suldog said...

I truly adore Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, and she will most definitely get my vote should she choose to run. Democat? Republikitten? I suspect, actually, that she might fit in rather well with the Libertarian Purrrrrrrrty. In any case, she'll probably be the first female president.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

After reading this I looked at my two cats with a look of "What have you guys done today that betters the world or is at least somewhat productive?" Of course they looked back at me with "What have you done?" Touche cats. Touche.

savannah said...

i'd vote for her, sugar! have you ever seen those guys try to run? HIL-LAR-RI-OUS! xoxoxox

joeh said...

Well done Lisa Bean Bitey!

Pat said...

Always a plesure!
Loved the speech disfluency.

Paula Wooters said...

Liza Bean takes care of those baggy-bottom youngsters like we wish we could! Go Liza!

Cheryl said...

Pearl, these Minneapolis Biteys, could you tell us more about the family? Are there any others as well known as Liza Bean?

Jacquelineand.... said...

Are there any more of these Biteys around? I cook...and for a fabulous feline who will pants the plethora of Saggy Bottom Boys who prance about the neighbourhood, I would provide caviar!

jenny_o said...

Every once in awhile Liza Bean's desires intersect with the good of humanity. Go Liza Bean!

Belle said...

It is nice to have a cat do your dirty work for you!

Stephen Hayes said...

I can't top anything Suldog said.

Gigi said...

Oh Liza Bean has my vote! Without a doubt.

Roshni AaMom said...

atta-cat!!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Cats can't talk. I think you made up the entire story as a way to express your frustration with baggy pants.

Lin said...

I'd vote for her. But I'd doubt she'd win--all the rest of the baggy-bottomed hoodlums are all gonna vote for the other guy.

Daisy said...

Lisa Bean for President!!

The Jules said...

Ah, the only things a cat needs are an occasional human and an alibi.

Linda O'Connell said...

Yes, let's start a campaign for Liza Bean.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Leave it to a cat to do what we all wish we could do. Oh, and I certainly relate to waking up with a cat or two strolling over my body and sprawling on my chest. Oh well, at least they've never borrowed my car without permission. Yet.

The Elephant's Child said...

I so love that cat. Make her a drink from me please. Anything she would like.

Austan said...

The Beest just read this and said if Liza Bean needs legal representation she'll "do it pro bona. Well, some turkey would be nice."

River said...

She scared those dumb-arsed boys right out of their baggy-arsed pants?
Well done Liza! I'm proud of you. When will you be visiting my neighbourhood to repeat this action on our local baggy-arsed crowd?

Stephanie Pounds said...

"The cat chuckles, the sound of champagne being poured over ice." Delicious!

Eva Gallant said...

Hmmm....Liza Bean Bitey for President? I'm in!

skoots1mom said...

http://skootsonemom.blogspot.com/2012/09/why.html
sending you a 'sisterhood' award

Anne said...

Found your blog through Best Posts of the Week and this left me wanting for more. Great imagination!