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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Critics Rave! The Paps and Pedicure Pub Changes Everything!


Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon.

We’re not looking at it properly, people! I mean, it’s a pretty cut-and-dried situation, isn’t it; and once the results are in, you either get a letter or a phone call, right?

So why so serious?

And so in an effort to maximize the experience, Mary and I, in conjunction with Two White Chicks Cleaning, have a plan.

Sit down. Sip your water. Now clear your mind.

Paps, Pedis, and Pub.

Follow me now. We’re thinking you can leave your shirt on and slip into one of our tear-away flannel pants.

Go ahead – have a seat.

Please note that the chair is on wheels, the pedicure basins on either side of the chair. The temperature okay for you? There’s a pouch in the front: the questionnaire you filled out ahead of the appointment determines if you find chocolates, beef jerky, or chewing tobacco in there.

Of course there’ll be a package deal including all three: chocolates, beef jerky, and chewing tobacco; but I’m not prepared to give away the details of our Valentines Day package just yet.

So you know those drive-over, in-the-ground bays at the oil-change places? Well those figure into the process. As I said, the chair is on wheels, and like the oil-change technicians, that’s where we’ll be keeping the medical professionals: down in the bay. Oh, it’s all on the up-and-up. I mean, there are people in white coats, heat lamps... We can talk about the details, if you’re interested.

You’re offered a choice of musical selections and one of those hats that holds beverages (coffee, tea, water, select beers and wines). You also have the option of drinking out of a mug, as well, but what the heck. It’s a party, right?
Already, I’m excited. Think of the promotional drives: Bring in a friend and knock half off the cost of your next Pap and pedicure!

And does anyone else see the Speedy Reward Points possibilities?

Mary is working with the Small Business Administration on securing a loan as we speak. We can show you the business plan she’s working on, if you like.

The opportunities for success here are outrageous.

35 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Well.....it's an improvement for sure over the usual procedure of stainless steel stirrups and shiny sharp scrapers...anything to keep your mind off things. Where do I sign up?

Sioux said...

Can we get our legs waxed at the same time?

Sign me up as one of the first for this wonderful service.

And how about chocolate wine? Chocolate coffee drinks? I would be willing to pay the extra fee...

mary i said...

I am IN! question? Can you work in a plan for my "upper-parts" too? ;)

R. Jacob said...

Are you accepting interns?

Beach Bum said...

Can't believe I am writing this but given what you ladies have to deal with I'll just keep my prostate exam.

Joanne Noragon said...

Too easy on the medical profession. Rolling trollies. You could have nice leather headrests. Without holes to fall into, OSHA certification is a snap.

Susan Williams said...

Throw in some ativan and a mammogram, while you're at it.
Buy one pap, get one boob smashed for free.

jenny_o said...

Send Two White Chicks Cleaning to my house while I'm in the shop, and you have a deal, my friend :)

vanilla said...

Certain portions of this post evoked mental images I hope I can shake quickly. Guy walks into a minefield...

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Now I'm worried. What if a bloke innocently wandered in looking for a beer.

Can you imagine the level of shock?


Alternatively, I understand that there are some other blokes who would pay good money to observe the procedure, perhaps from behind a one-way mirror. Don't forget to have this as a point in your business plan.

Lastly, I should point out that I was a wee bit confused when I read the title, as "PAPS" in the Scottish dialect refers to breasts, so I wasn't initally sure which end you were talking about.

bill lisleman said...

chewing tobacco - could there be a sponsorship deal in that? I'm clueless on women but I would think chewing gum would be more popular.

Shelly said...

My abs were already quite sore from a fitness challenge I did yesterday and now I fear I've done them permanent harm from unbridled hee-hawing at this post.

What insurances does your place take?

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I think you have a winning idea there. You can establish a branch in every city, creating lots of jobs in the process, and in a couple of years you can be featured in a State-of-the-Union address as creators of a small business that went big-time! And I mean that in a good way. :-)

The Jules said...

I'm in!

"Take a look at this strange growth Doc, I've had it for years."

Paula Wooters said...

Paps and pedicures... a winning combination!

Stephen Hayes said...

Pap and pedicure: what a great idea. I wonder if this will fly with the general public. So glad I didn't leave the "l" out of public.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I have to confess.
When I was much younger, I was going to see the gynaecologist , after work.
A friend took me out for drinks before the appointment.
I got slightly drunk.
It was the least unpleasant gyno appointment I have experienced and I don't really remember that much about it :)

Eva Gallant said...

I love it! You're definitely on to something here!

Lynn said...

You're too funny!

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! With the additional of optional battery-powered enhancements, you could be heading into frequent-flyer territory. I expect a kickback. Roth x

chlost said...

I am ready to take on a franchise. I am sure that we could have the place rolling in time for the holiday rush....what would be better than a little holiday shopping and then work in a stop for a pap/pedi?

The Elephant's Child said...

Yes. You have a truly wonderful idea. No (female) bank manager would turn you down for credit.

And please can we not let the doctors warm the speculum unless they are prepared to test it against their own skin. I got rather nastily burnt some years ago. The entire waiting room heard the shriek and observed me walking like a duck as I left.

Linda O'Connell said...

Girl you are onto something here!

King of New York Hacks said...

Ummmm yeah...I really should have only read about the pub LOL

SherilinR said...

i think this is great! could there also be an option for a spritzer of the nether regions as a chaser after services? there could be an option of glitter, maybe something minty to give her fresh breath, or perhaps something of the dessert variety for ladies who might be in the mood to celebrate with their partner after a clean bill of health. or possibly a va-jazzling option for the ladies who are feeling adventurous.

Leenie said...

(Wondering if there is a way in have it all done face down so a massage could be included)

HermanTurnip said...

Ya know, if you can make this service a reality, I know a few people bizarre enough to utilize it. It's got that whole "twisted Disneyland E-Ticket" ride vibe going for it.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I think you should consider franchising. Lots of money could be made with a chain of Paps and Peds.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

How timely. I'm going to the doctor in the morning, and part of the purpose is to get one of those lovely paps. Doggone it, she didn't say anything about a pedicure, though. But I'll forgive her if she provides the cool hat with wine in it...

esbboston said...

Knowing about your current lack of teleBision access, are you familiar with the show caLLed 'Shark Tank'?

River said...

It's a great idea, but I'll skip the pedicure. Not pedicurist on earth deserves the shock of seeing my ugly bare feet.

Tempo said...

Pearl.. Follow me here girl, I'm thinking 'Drive Through' "Would you like fries and Cappuccino with that?"

CarrieBoo said...

That would be worth moving below the border for...

Simply Suthern said...

Paps Peds and Happy Endings?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I see this business franchising beyond the wildest dreams of any Burger King or Chipotle.