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Friday, December 9, 2011

The Beverage-y Hillbillies: Wherein I Tattle

The weekend loometh, my friends. Once again, we stand on the cusp of the weekend, a precarious and potentially sharp-edged place. Will I eat more Christmas cookies than I share? Will I finally vacuum the living room?

And what about Naomi?

Fear not! For as is well known in these parts, i.e., this particular blog, my iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning’s commute, has prophetic qualities.

The iPod sees all, tells some.

Shhhh. Let’s listen.

Miles Behind by Medeski Scofield Martin & Wood
Tighten Up by The Bamboos
One Step Beyond by Madness
Ramble On by Led Zeppelin
Thank You (Falettinme be Mice Elf Agin) by Sly and the Family Stone
Space Truckin’ by Deep Purple
Rudie Can’t Fail by The Clash

And there you have it. Not the answers I was looking for, but the iPod, she moves in mysterious ways. My personal take on it? Stick to your to-do list, visit at least one friend, and for cryin’ out loud, look at all you have! Really, we’re doing quite well…



Let’s see now. We’ve been amusing ourselves the last five weeks or so with the tales of the Beverage-y Hillbillies, a motley group of State-assisted renters down the block whose brief foray into my and my neighbors’ lives has been commemorated in both verse and song (witness the ever-popular fireside sing-along known locally as “Them Local Folk-als Appear to be Yokels, or Square-Headed Terry’s Got Yer Maw”).

Today’s tale of deception and droopy pants?

I’m Telling On You!


When we first met the Beverage-y Hillbillies (not their real name), they had just moved in, a collection of mattresses and over-sized TVs, a family who quickly set up a ping-pong table on the sidewalk and a makeshift bar (AKA a “cooler”) in the front yard.

From there, we learned of the eldest son’s entrepreneurial spirit, his willingness to ask for your help and/or your cash,his incursion into the egg-hurling sports, and his venture into the high-stakes world of gas-station-parking-lot drug distribution.

Boris, as we came to refer to him, had become the turd in the Northeast Minneapolis punchbowl.

And I’d had enough.

There are websites, if you know where to look, that will tell you who owns rental property. In short order, I’d found his landlords.

Dear Mr. Tranh and Associates,

It may come as some surprise to you to find that the people you have rented to at 1136 Garfield have become a topic of heated discussion in the neighborhood.

The new sod you put in at the beginning of the summer? A memory. It is now dirt, the only remaining grass being under the couch that has been in the front yard since June.

The new cement steps leading up to the porch? If we can judge by the evidence before us, it appears a 30-gallon keg was dropped on it, taking out a good-sized chunk. The keg’s dropping, however, does not appear to have affected the keg itself, which is still laying in the front yard. Next to the couch.

I recall you adding a new screen door to the front of the house in May. While the hinges are still there, the door itself is not. Makes you wonder what happened to it.

The neighborhood has been inundated with requests from your tenants for money, rides to the store, and inquiries regarding our desire to “score some green”. I am sure that this is not what Tranh and Associates had intended when this property was rented out, but that is what you’ve got.

This is a good neighborhood. I would hate to have to go door-to-door to let my neighbors know your name and address, as I am sure that your peace of mind is as important to you as it is to us.

Please contact me at the number listed below as soon as you can. I believe we can work through this amicably.

Hugs and Kisses,

Pearl

I received a call from Mr. Tranh less than a week later, who promptly fired his “rental management company” and started eviction proceedings.

I love a man of action.

And I can’t wait to see the move-out party.

40 comments:

R. Jacob said...

will they take the couch and keg?

Jerry and Suzy said...

My goodness, Pearl, how you can write! Now if you just had some pictures to show the mess!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

The next "move in" party may be equally as interesting. Congrats on your "full hillbilly" attack. I wish it would be me moving in next door to you Pearl...I think Liza Bean and I could get into some real "cat"astrophes.

Leenie said...

Your neighbors have no idea how blessed they are to have a Pearl on neighborhood watch and clean-up.

Where do you supposed the Beverage-y-Hillbillies went next? Will the chair break? Will you break the chair? Is Naomi STILL missing? Did you get to keep the keg?

Nessa Roo said...

If they leave anything behind, I got dibs om the couch.

Symdaddy said...

I can't wait to see that movie!

Simply Suthern said...

Way to hunt them down.

I had to chase down a landlord once. I went to one of his properties and the tenant told me to call the landlords mom and she would make him straighten it out.

Shore nuff.

Hopefully the new tenants wont hate grass and screen doors.

Pearl said...

My neighbor Gail wrote a letter as well. :-) We were lucky that the owners of the house (several families who had hired a management group to run it) were so responsive. Not all neighborhoods are that lucky!

George said...

I can dig that play list today. Considering what the did in their brief stay in your neighborhood, that should be one hell of a moving out party.

That gentleman's lady said...

Will you have a neighbourhood keg party at your place to watch?

NYEMT said...

I'm betting the move-out party will feature either a)officers of the law (Those type of tenants often only leave when the sheriff is a'standin' in the yard to make 'em.) or b)a hasty yet oddly anticlimactic departure under the cover of darkness (possibly including the keg, most likely not including the couch.)

You may want to start a pool. Don't let Liza Bean run it, though. Cats tend to "encourage" the outcome one way or t'other. :)

Glen said...

i hope you'll do the decent thing and visit them at their new home. I'll still need a weekly update.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Well Played, Pearl! And you're right - you're lucky, b/c many slumlords don't care about the neighbors as long as they're getting the checks from the government.

ellen abbott said...

you go girl!

Roshni said...

we definitely have a lot to be thankful for!! :D

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Go you!! I'm so proud of you!! I am sure your neighborhood has reigned blessings down on your head immensely!

jenny_o said...

The power of the pen!! Good for you. I hope you got better neighbours after that.

Daisy said...

Brings back memories of our neighbourhood venture into getting rid of unsavory renters. City Halls should have a list of property owners in case anyone else is suffering! Haven't had any problems for years now...guess the drug dealers got the message that they are not welcome and won't be tolerated. Pearl, I'd check the property after they leave...they might have forgotten a keg or two! :-)

Daisy's Barbara

Daisy said...

PS I could use a good couch...

Tom G. said...

Brilliant! I love it!

Can you write my Christmas letter for me?

jabblog said...

Well done, Pearl:-)

Sarah said...

I love how you inform them of the damage to their property, the miscreant behavior of the tenants, and then ever-so-politely threaten the landlord with unpleasant repurcussions to jump start a speedy response.

altadenahiker said...

Man of action thanks to a woman of action. (Since this is a yard sale and others already are vying for the couch, I think the cooler would take me one step closer to emergency preparedness.)

NotesFromAbroad said...

I met Max Baer Jr years and years ago when I was living in Hollywood.
His home was fabulous and he was one of the tallest men I had met :)
Of course, I called him Jethro.

I love Madness .. One Step Beyond.

Eva Gallant said...

Way to go, Pearl! Glad you got results!

Craver Vii said...

Yea, You!

The house next to mine is empty. We're praying for better neighbors than the last two "families" that lived there. It's like, "How may clowns could there BE in that Volkswagen?!"

Please Lord, send good neighbors, so I can finally take the police off speed-dial.

Belle said...

You were blessed the owners did something. Getting drug dealers out of the neighborhood is always a good move. Good for you.

Jo said...

Way to go, Pearl! Nice letter!

P.S. Still confused about this week's playlist, though...should I or shouldn't I be Mice Elf Agin? (laughed 'til I cried)

ThreeOldKeys said...

way to go pearl!

actually, fretting and fuming for months would be another way to go. but contacting the landlord with a few facts ... apparently that can work too.

my daughter once had a summer job ... the driving directions to the location included "turn right at the couch". if your neighbors move the couch, watch for puzzled wanderers...

Supergreensunbear said...

Lol, nicely done, a better worded email to a landlord I never have read :)

Mega curious as to what a Couch and Keg garden looks like now - if the chance for a quick photo of it does happen to come up, you know what to do, the interwebz has sent you on a magical quest (a bit like Neopets but with more of a point) ;)

Joanne said...

Don't you just hate what it takes to clean up a mess. I spent six or more months asking township officials help in cleaning up a vacant lot. Not until I described in exquisite detail the hawk smorgasbord of baby squirrels, possums, groundhogs being airlifted to the rookerie sprung up the last several seasons from the vermin filled lot below did I get action. I don't begrudge a fledgling hawk a meal, but I think the parents should actually hunt for it.

KAT said...

Let's hope the new neighbors are better. You know they could always be worse! :D

skoots1mom said...

if they have a moveout yard sale, bid on the keg and then give it a makeover...you need something to remember them by, right?!!!

Tempo said...

Way to go Pearl... You certainly have a way with words. (no surprises there)

Crystal Pistol said...

Awww but, Pearl! I was so enjoying the image of a young man offering to sell you "green"... Now what will I do with myself. :) If nothing else they were good writing material.

Bushman said...

I did the same thing where I used to rent. Wrote a letter about the deplorable conditions, the alcohol abuse and the crazy bonfires. Two weeks later my landlord showed up to evict me. Sometimes you need to think things through I guess. Hyuck!

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

I'm with you on the "look at all you have" thing!

Teresa Evangeline said...

I'm guessing the screen came in handy as a mesh for the green. Just a guess. Not based on personal experience or anything.

vanilla said...

You go, Pearl! You can live in our neighborhood any time.

Pat said...

Will you be invited?