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Friday, November 11, 2011

Hey! You Got Any Extra Money?

Psst. You have a minute? Just a minute?

What if I were to tell you that I could, absolutely free and by way of my morning commute’s playlist, predict your future?

Not the long-range future, of course. No, no, no. That’s just crazy. The immediate future!

Saturday! Sunday!

What the heck. Indulge me.

Boots or Hearts by The Tragically Hip
Karn Evil 9 by Emerson Lake and Palmer
Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs
Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis
D is for Dangerous by Arctic Monkeys
Barracuda by Heart
Golden Age by TV on the Radio

And there you have it, and what it is, I can’t say here. Let’s just say that that groove you’ve been looking for? It’s comin’ for ya this weekend.

So! Where were we? Oh, yes: the Friday diversion.

If you’ll recall, the last two Fridays have been dedicated to the Beverage-y Hillbillies, a square-headed family of front-yard-dwelling yokels that moved into the neighborhood a while back.

Today’s Episode: Boris Gets a Job!

No, not really. That would be silly. But still, who’s to say that anything you do, repeatedly and in the hope of money, is not a job?

Last we contemplated the variables of the human condition, Head Number One (referred to as “Boris”) was seen running down the center of the street in front of the house, Pamplona-style, juggling a pair of home stereo speakers he had apparently stolen from the driver of a Lincoln Continental.

It was early June; and Willie and I had purchased a ridiculous number of flowers of both the annual and the perennial variety and were busy stuffing the flower boxes that line the first and second floors of the duplex.

I had just finished smearing a large swath of dirt across my forehead when I heard someone creep up behind me.

I spun around.

Boris.

“Hey,” he smirks. “Do you have an extra five bucks I can have?”

What? There’s such a thing as an “extra” five bucks now?

So I say what I always say when I’m confused: “Huh?”

Bless his heart, he repeats the request. “Do you have five bucks I can have?”

“No,” I said.

“How about three?”

“No.”

Willie comes around the house carrying a pallet of Lobelia. “No,” I say.

Boris changes tack. “How about you? Huh? You got five bucks?”

Willie’s face takes on the look he normally reserves for finding yakked-up hairballs with his bare feet.

“What?”

“Five bucks. You got five bucks I can have?”

“He doesn’t even have five bucks I can have,” I mutter.

Willie shakes his head. “I’m working in the yard, man. I got nothin’.”

“How about a ride to Target then? Can you give me a ride to Target?”

I turn away. “Willie,” I say. “Set that pallet in the porch. It’s time for lunch.”


Ha! There’s nothing so annoying that I can’t ignore it.

29 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

What good is a ride to Target if you don't have five bucks? This is an interesting neighbourhood you live in Pearl. You think he's going to spread the word that you're a bad neighbour?

20prospect said...

"Hey, you got a sandwich I can have?"

nixabn said...

Yes, I have a minute but I can take longer if you like.

laughingmom said...

I guess he needed the $5 to pay for a cab ride to Target...

Suze said...

Okay, parts of this made me cackle, loudly. Pearl, I joined a ton of new sites this week and yours is quickly becoming one of those that I get all happy when I see it come up on the blogroll.

(Likin' 'Golden Age.' Listenin' to it, now.)

Eva Gallant said...

Great neighbors you've acquired. I live in a trailer park, but I've never been approached by a neighbor asking for money. Maybe because if you live in a trailer park, they know you don't have any.

jenny_o said...

The one time I was approached for money was when I was about nine years old. I was waiting outside the library for my mother, and a girl younger than I struck up a conversation. The topic quickly turned to my small purse and could she see the money inside. When I reluctantly showed her - it would be rude to do otherwise! - she made a grab for it. Much to her surpise - and mine - I resisted and she gave up, but not before she called me a name and threatened me. But I won. If it ever happens again, this time, thanks to you Pearl, I'll know I just need to excuse myself to go eat!

jenny_o said...

Well, and I was so excited to tell that story that I neglected to tell you how much I enjoyed yours :)

Ach du lieber said...

Had the same kind of people next to me for years. Got so entertaining I made it into a game called Hoosier Neighbors....

Matthew MacNish said...

I don't always know what the heck you're talking about, but I do always know it's going to be a fun read.

Mandy_Fish said...

I read a pallet of lobelia as a pallet of lobotomy.

Michelle said...
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Denise said...

I swear you live in Tucson. Have you got a spare dollar? Have you got a spare egg?

My favorite, have you got an extra cigarette? My answer, "Nope, have gotten 21 in a pack yet."

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

For this once because I am enjoying a vodka smoodie, I will tell you that I will give you more than five dollars....just give it a shake like it won't breaks and you have yourself a low maintenance sugar daddy. Costumes and polka music and won't be but a hour out your weekend.

Belle said...

At least one of our neighbors tried to sell stuff to us so we would have gotten something out of the deal. He would wait until his wife went out and try to sell her iron and pots & pans.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Man, I never have Fi' dollars. Now a debit card...yeah...I have that. And you ain't gettin' my pin code, pal.

Daisy said...

Pearl, you simply have very interesting neighbours and bus buddies! :-D

River said...

I wonder if he writes begging on his job resumes in the space where it says what are your strengths.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, Boris! You have not yet learned-don't beg from the neighbors. They have seen your big speakers, man!

Michelle said...
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Susan in the Boonies said...

See, that's my problem: I've never been good at the art of ignortion. :-D

Michelle said...
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Roses said...

Cold yakked up fur balls found with bare feet - face, I know that face well. I make it even at the thought of it. Bare feet don't forget.

vanilla said...

"Nothing so annoying [you] can't ignore it." Wish we all had your cool, Pearl.

Pat said...

Are all Borises' a pain? We have one who's in charge of London.

Doubting Thomas said...

I think there's a good exercise in "ignoring" happening on this comment thread right now... ;)

Pat Tillett said...

Thank goodness for the oddballs around your world, it makes for good blog post fodder.
One time I was eating a small bag of fritos somewhere and a guy said to me, "are you going to eat all those fritos yourself?" Geez!!!

Russ said...

ELP! You are the best Pearl! I have to go dig out some of their cd's now. (I never own vinyl, ever. Believe that?)

Irisheyes said...

Doubting Thomas....Couldn't agree with you more!