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Friday, November 4, 2011

I Know A Guy Who Can Get You A Deal

You know, if you’re going to continue to rise when the alarm clock says to, if you’re going to persist in showing up to work every day like you do, then the next thing you know –

It’s the weekend.

Never fails.

And boy, do you deserve it. Look at you over there, all hard-working and responsible. You never fail to amaze me.

So what’s coming, huh? Saturday? Sunday? What can we expect?

Lucky for you, I’ve got the answer. You may not know this about me – and why would you? – but I own an iPod that, set on shuffle and played during my Friday morning’s commute, tells the future.

Hey. It could happen.

Tell the Lie
by the BelRays
Say It to Me Now by Glen Hansard
Shocker in Gloomtown by Guided by Voices
Jungle Boogie by Kool and the Gang
I Was A Lover by TV On The Radio
Ball of Confusion by Love and Rockets
21st Century Schizoid Man by King Crimson

Whoa! This is looking suspicious, is it not? This weekend may not be your friend. Get your groceries after work, go home and stay indoors, I say.

Now where were we?

Ah, yes. Last Friday we had just started a little serial posting, an every-Friday diversion regarding the Beverage-y Hillbillies.

When last we spoke, the New Kids on the Block had just moved a dozen mattresses, several large-screen TVs and an ottoman into the duplex down the street, gone on to set up a ping-pong table on the sidewalk, and had settled in for a solid evening of hootin’ and hollerin’.

And there was much rejoicing.

The cans littering the boulevard in the morning bespoke their affinity for Ice House, a lower-cost, higher-alcohol-content beer known for its ability to cause fist fights and impregnate at 50 paces.

After the christening of the new digs, things were quiet until the following weekend, when I happened to be in the front yard in time to see the oldest of the boys come running down the middle of the street.

As a quick aside, I’d like to interject that following their move-in, I never again saw the parents, but I did see the children, ad nauseam. All boys in that family, all with abnormally large, square heads. This is not an exaggeration. Those boys had big, square heads, particularly noticeable over the brows – which wasn’t so much a forehead as it was a fivehead.

Ba dum bum.

So there I was, as the old saying goes, minding my own business, when I see Head Number One – we’ll call him Boris – come running down the street carrying two large wooden stereo speakers. Remember the 70s? Remember those huge speakers in that one guy’s basement?

Well these are them.

Boris is running down the middle of the street with them, one on each shoulder. He is panting.

Clearly he has been running for quite some time.

A quick look over his shoulder, and he is satisfied with what he sees – or does not see – and continues to run at a somewhat slower pace.

He runs past our parked car, abruptly stops and backs up.

“Hey!” he yells.

I turn to him, my hands full of the flowers I am moving from one location to another.

“You wanna buy some speakers?”

“What?”

“You wanna buy some speakers?” he repeats. “I’ll give ‘em both to you real cheap. Fifty bucks for both.”

“No, thanks,” I say, turning.

“Thirty bucks!”

I shake my head.

He may be speaking to me, but he is staring down the street in the direction he came from as he does so.

“Twenty bucks, and this is my last – oh! Shit!”

A Lincoln Continental comes tearing down the street, and Boris loses his grip on reality and the speakers and one of them crashes to the tar, wooden splinters everywhere. He juggles and manages to hold on to the remaining speaker. Dodging the speeding car, he cuts through our neighbor’s front yard and into the alley, where he yells his parting offer:

“Ten bucks! Ten bucks for the one speaker!”

I return to my flowers.

43 comments:

ellen abbott said...

And you passed on that great deal?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

When the price goes down to $5.00 let me know. Man I remember those huge speakers. You needed an addition on your house just for them. Every decorators nightmare.

Pearl said...

ellen, I'm still kicking myself. :-)

Delores, he left quite a mess in the street!

R. Jacob said...

I will never look at a beer again the same way. 50 paces? Can I borrow a dollar for the soda machine?

Shelly said...

Ahh- free enterprise in action. I really do think those folks left some of their kids behind here- could we make a deal for them?

Simply Suthern said...

Wel, He went from having a future at at Bestbuy to working at Biglots real quick.

Denise said...

I have those 70's speakers in my living room. Well not those, the ones he was carrying. Ones that have traveled with us out of the 70's.

I think you might be my neighbor. Weird stuff happens here all the time. I'm the one with the planter full of pansies and eighteen noisy parakeets that can be heard a block away.

Pearl said...

R. Jacob, sure. :-) The check's in the mail!

Shelly, Hmm! Let me think. The neighborhood is actually pretty quiet now -- well, aside from those kids who went door-to-door selling candy bars for their "school". Yeah. No. I know what the school candy bars look like and these were just Snickers you got somewhere and are now trying to sell for $3 apiece. HA! Free enterprise!

Simply, work?! Nah. It's quite possible that none of those kids will ever work...

Denise, The planter full of pansies sounds familiar, but the parakeets?! Hmm. Maybe that's why Liza Bean Bitey has had the binoculars trained on the house down the block...

Camille said...

That Boris - such a little dickens. I swear those type of speakers were the reason I divorced my first husband. Well, that and he was also a dickhead... Where was I? Oh yes, the speakers - they were about as attractive as Boris's forehead and also made one's ears bleed. Have a nice weekend Pearl.

Leenie said...

Writing this down: Stay away from Ice House beer and its imbibers, keep my speakers locked up if a five-head moves in down the street, and don't worry about the lady with the planters full of pansies and parakeets.

vanilla said...

Missed out on a heckuva deal there,Pearl.

Glen said...

I'm just imagining how the conversation would go if I tried to talk my wife into living there.

On the one hand - at least it would be short.

Have a great weekend

Pearl said...

Camille, good ol' Boris became quite a fixture in our neighborhood, if for only a short time...

Leenie, Ice House is a cheap and potent high.
:-)

Pearl said...

vanilla, I can't help but wonder if the carload of dudes ever got to him...

Glen, they were a boil on the neck of an otherwise lovely neighborhood. :-)

Lolamouse said...

Without those speakers, I'd have nowhere to set my spider plants!

Jayne Martin said...

My neighborhood cows aren't nearly as interesting.

Eva Gallant said...

Was there any heat emanating from those speakers? I'm just askin'.

Pearl said...

Lola, you know, my lousy cats kep eating my spider plants!

Jayne, you do have to look harder, it's true. :-)

Eva, who knows about those speakers? Good ol' Boris -- or Inamte #584213795, as he is no doubt known as by now...

Pearl said...

That's "inmate". Dang it.

The Jules said...

That's pretty much how I get my groceries.

"Fivehead".

Heh.

mrwriteon said...

Well, since you didn't buy his, I've got two sets of giant speakers in my garage that I can let you have for not $5, $4 or even $3. You can have them for nothing. Just haul 'em away. I make this deal because I love you. And Wendy will love you too if you take them away. They're real big, by the way.

Doubting Thomas said...

Yeesh. I suppose the only benefit of crazy neighbors are the stories you can tell...

I finally got rid of my freakishly large speakers a couple of years ago. Still got the dual cassette deck! Any maybe the 8-track?...

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

I don't think much of your ipod's ability to predict the future, but I do have my doubts about you!

You seem to know an awful lot about me and the contents of my basement party room for instance!

Wait! Wasn't it just Halloween?

WITCH! WITCH! WITCH!

Anyone got any faggots?

(Faggots = a bundle of sticks or twigs, esp when bound together and used as fuel. Not what you thought!)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Boris Badinov!!! Naughty, naughty Boris!

Not a forehead as much as a five head made me literally laugh out loud!

Friko said...

I need to come here, yo live such an illuminating life!

Douglas said...

If I recall correctly "squarehead" was a (most likely derogatory) name for a Minnesotan. I distinctly remember one of the James boys calling them that just before heading for Northfield, MN.

Yeah, he shoulda stayed home...

Steve Bailey said...

I bought some speakers from a guy driving a creepy van once..... they didnt work!!!! Sucked!

Crystal Pistol said...

Poor Boris. His bad weekend came early, didn't it?

Staying indoors for the weekend can be just as dangerous, ya know. The natives get restless and then all hell breaks loose. None of are safe.

Michelle said...

You see how criminal you all are...oh yah,PEARL..talking EXPLOSIVES!!!
See..why did you DELETE my last " bleep" of the night after TEMPO.???
I did say ELSA EATOR?
What's the problem saying ELSA EATOR, PearL???
That a DECODER you don't what to HEARR about?
Well , I got another for your " WEIRDOS" .
Ready?
SOGODU.
Check it.
Want the decoder?
Too " EASY".
But here's another " teaser".
...........HONTME............

Belle said...

This reminds me of a neighborhood we lived in where the guy who lived next door would come over and try to sell his wife's iron or frying pans. Very funny!

Tom G. said...

Speaking of Fiveheads, I see our friend is back.

You know, I always wondered what happened to that set of speakers I set out by the curb.

jenny_o said...

So, did the car chasing the dude ever show up and claim the splinters of the former speaker??

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gigi said...

Hard-working? Responsible? Me?

Obviously, you know me well.

Five-head. HA! Instant classic. I will now automatically think that whenever I see certain people I know.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

But...but you coulda had that one guy's speaker!!

Sush said...

I'm sorry my boy didn't make a better offer for you. Next time I'll get one of my more refined sons to bring his equipment over...He'll be the one with his shirttail covering his droopy pants. We have a huge selection of high quality large speakers, along with an assortment of tape decks, and a wide assortment of hub caps.

come on down...I don't get out much they have me stationed at the kitchen table with my change counter....


lol!

Clipped Wings said...

You do seem to have a most interesting neighborhood. I'm packing my bags for a visit.

River said...

You should have bought them Pearl.
One on the front porch, one on the back porch; the whole neighbourhood could be rockin' to your I-Pod!!

Tempo said...

..and here I thought you knew a good deal when you saw one... Disappointed at you Pearl...

Roses said...

You obviously don't know a bargain when you see one. We'll have to talk further on this.

KleinsteMotte said...

Well we had those speakers. Ours were from Braun and man did they rock!!
They still worked in 2008 till a fire finished off our basement. Now I love to walk with Leonard Cohen, my music on my iPhone . And a favourite song is "The Future".

Nuke Girl said...

Hmmmm... you should inquire as to where they lived before; I think Boris & The Gang are quite posssibly my old neighbors from South Carolina.