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Monday, February 14, 2011

Next I Suppose You'll be Telling Me I No Longer Need to Bring My Own Coal for the Furnace...

After nearly eight years of steady and righteous tax-paying employment at Acme Grommets and Sprockets, I have made a discovery. Something that changes how I see my job – nay, changes how I see my life.

You see, my office chair reclines.

Stand here next to me, for just a moment, while I walk you through the scene. See that? That’s my desk. Now picture it: I come in, shed several layers of clothing – applied liberally for the Good-God-it’s-cold-and-dark walk to the bus – yet leave enough on to stay within Human Resources’ silly clothing guidelines, plop down into my chair and –

Recline.

I reclined by accident! It was an accident!

I can only assume that the look on my face, as I “discovered” office reclining, mirrored the look I had the day I discovered, at 19, the recipe for “office fudge” (four packs of hot chocolate and not nearly enough hot water).

As my Grandma would say, Well, I’ll be

I am torn between self-congratulations (What a fabulous work ethic you have, Citizen Worker, for not having discovered this sooner!) and giving myself a dope-slap square to the center of the forehead for having had this same chair for almost eight years and never noticing that it reclines.

I can only ask myself: What else am I missing?

I mean, I’ve come to grips with the fact that all the people who appear to be muttering to themselves on the street are, in fact, talking on tiny, tiny telephones attached to their ears.

I got that.

And I got the fact that you can lock your car while walking away from it, that its headlights go out well after you’ve left the vicinity, that there’s no longer a need to holler “Ma’am, you’ve left your lights on!”

I mean, I got that.

Of course, I say all this after repeatedly believing that the people “talking on their phones” are actually talking to their imaginary friends, after locking my side of the car upon exiting it (despite the driver’s assertions that they’ll do it, no worries) after telling people “your lights are on!” only to be told, once again, that they’ll go off on their own.

So what else has been going on all around me whilst my head is in the clouds?

Where are we with my desire to be able to snort “vitamin air”?

How’s my request coming regarding shampoo and conditioner that continually re-colors my colored hair?

Where’s my Hover Car?!

I mean, yeah. I was astounded that my office chair reclined, but that was hours ago…

48 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

I'd think twice about huffing some vitamin air for a bit.

Ya know what follows discovering reclining chairs? Cat naps. So keep that spare pair of glasses with open eyeballs painted on them handy.

Pearl said...

Simply, it's opened a whole new world for me...

Camille said...

Exactly Pearl! And while we're at it, and after covering over 200 miles by car yesterday, where the heck is my "I Dream of Jeannie" nod & blink? You know the one - *nod*blink* - you're in the Bahamas - *nod*blink* - you're in Paris - *nod*blink* - well, you get the idea. Criminy sakes, they put a man on the moon so the very least they could do is develop time travel for me.

Everyday Goddess said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks like you, what have I been missing???

Sue said...

Oh, Pearl.

For me? As a mom? It's the brainstorm that my antiquated baby monitor banished to storage (a)probably still works, and (b) would be fabulous with regard to keeping tabs on my 'tween children as they hang out in my basement doing "nothing."

I know. I'm awful. So sue Sue.

Bossy Betty said...

Whoa. Now I gotta go check my office chair AND make those fabulous office brownies too! Thanks for the recipe!

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

Gary Baker said...

I've discovered recently my kettle turns itself off when lifted - you don't have to break fingernails trying to coax up the tiny knob before the steam melts the windows(owned it for 5 yrs).
Oh, and my cell takes in-focus pictures of the contents of my pocket.
Who knew?

Scarlet Blue said...

My chair is wood and has four legs.
I will check if it recl

Ouch!#
Sx

BExCLUSIVE MAGAZINE said...

happy valentine's Day!!! :)

ciao ciao from Rome
BExCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

http://bexclusivemagazine.blogspot.com/

Shannon said...

When I see interior lights left on in the car, I just assume that maybe they'll turn themselves off in a few minutes, so I don't need to worry about finding the owner. Isn't technology great?

Sausage Fingers said...

George Jetson was a dam liar....
We should all have hover cars by now

Lo said...

Pearl, I love 'ya........you make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. I am ashamed I do not leave you a comment every time I visit. (I am 83 and must save my strength) But I always send good thoughts your way.

Simply put, you are brilliant.

powdergirl said...

I wish people "got" that you can lock your car BEFORE walking away from it by depressing the little "lock" button. There's way too much unnecessary honking going on!

Of course, my truck honks twice when it gets its remote signal to start, and once more once its running, so maybe I'll just zip it : )

Leenie said...

Some restraint and more problems comes with new toys. Reclining chairs can throw owner on floor which results in hilarity throughout the office. Kids stepping on the remote and locking all doors while mom watches. Remote BEEEEPING outside a motel room while EVERYBODY in the place gets up and leaves WAY-WAY early--so you can forget about sleeping in. Dang new fangled stuff.

That Janie Girl said...

That is freakin' awesome.

You ROCK, Pearl.

(But not too far back, y'hear?)

jabblog said...

Life's an adventure, isn't it?

Sweet Cheeks said...

You know what? I've been trying to get my rock to recline all day, but no...it won't. How did you get so lucky? Next you'll be telling me you've discovered fire and the internet. Pshht. Like that would ever happen. I'm coming over to your cave to work for awhile.
=]
Happy Valentine's Day, I love your bratty face!

laughingmom said...

only better thing would be an office chair with a lever to adjust the seat height - oh, darn you mean they make that too?

Tracy said...

Pearl,
How funny and I'm only laughing becasue I too, thought that when people talked they were talking to ME, NOT their little earbuds~ and when I was politely telling someone their car lights were on, gently snickering to myself if I hadn't gotten them in time, 'oh well, they'll be off upon their return' because by then, their entire battery would be dead!
I tend to miss a great deal as well...but I didn't miss my reclining chair :)

Jocelyn said...

Well, aren't you quite the Silver Lining Girl: breaking your chair like that and calling it a discovery!

(incidentally, I'm the person who always thinks the people on the invisible phone earpieces are talking to ME; then I respond and, um, well, turns out they weren't...)

Lana Banana said...

sooooo, now you know how i felt when i discovered that my vibrating back massager could also . . .

THAT was a revelation. a true-blue epiphany.

and speaking of good vibrations . . . happy valentine's day, pearl dear. have missed you.

IndigoWrath said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl!

I salute your slack! You should come try my ultra-large ergonomic chair. It has seven points of adjustment, and one such combination is perfect for sleeping in. Of course, I keep a sleeping bag under my desk for emergencies, but...

Indigo

Linda Myers said...

The worst one was the guy walking toward the departure gate in the airport, talking to himself. And I was on the same flight.

Douglas said...

Every desk chair I ever had reclined. Even in school. You now the ones with the desk and chair all connected together with those nuts you could easily loosen wit the small adjustable wrench you brought to school with you? (You didn't bring a wrench? How did you ever tighten them again so the contraption wouldn't fall apart or wobble?) You just leaned back until the back of the chair rested against the desk behind you or the back wall, whichever was nearest. Anyway, all my work chairs also reclined... in much the same way.

Now that I'm retired, I have two reclining chairs and a reclining couch. Gotta keep in shape, ya know.

Douglas said...

That should be "loosen with" not "loosen wit"... damned keyboard!

Su said...

I'm just glad I'm not the only one wandering around wondering, "What else am I missing?" :)

a Broad said...

I can't wait for the Next Great Discovery !!

Does the Reclining chair have wheels so you don't actually have to stand up again,once you sit down, you can roll around the office ?

You can tell I haven't really worked in any offices now, can't you?

Eva Gallant said...

Now that I'm retired, I spend a lot of time in my recliner, so consider your office chair as "retirement training!:

who said...

I wouldn't worry about the minerals, their heads are already in nooses with giving the green light to swallowing pills of said minerals (just as long as proceeds go the farm families) so at this point it would be unwise to try and step off the stage.

Any friends of anybody and well, anybody in general that hollers "Ma'am, you've left your lights on!" I will always reply "Thank you!" to all, but the ones who carry purses and do not carry Atoms Anatomy Certified Mail without feelings preceding said letters to represent chromacular identitty, and hand shake with the hand-to-the-hand and to the hand only and no more than two shake per hand shaking incidence is my hand and pole policy, and all policies strictly performed without the need for police policing the policies, please pass page of pleasuring political rhetoric on to proper paternal people.

I hear and see three peo's translations, you tell Jah-Bah that he'll get no such satisfaction from me. But this is his last chance to comply with my peaceful requests.

Pat Tillett said...

We are in the dark and the "man" and our kids, want to keep us there.....

WrathofDawn said...

Oh, the I Dream of Jeannie nod and blink! And the Bewitched lip twitch thingy. I have waited my whole life for them!

And ya know what else, Pearlie Girl? I'll bet that chair of yours rotates, too. Yup! Just spins right around in a circle.

Just one of the many perks of office work. We is blessed, I tells ya. Blessed!

Mamma has spoken said...

You sure it was made to recline? I think someone loosen a bolt or two on you and are waiting for you to fall. Maybe that intern that you wouldn't send a fax for? ;o)

becca said...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I try not to discover those things about office chairs. Once I make a slight adjustment, I can never figure out how to get it back to where it was before. Then, I feel like giving myself a dope-slap with a sledge hammer.
xoRobyn

HermanTurnip said...

It's all fun and games until, in a fit of superfluous exuberance, you *over* recline and fall back first to the office floor with a crash that echoes through the uptight hallways whereupon your office mates quickly pod together to laugh and point at you like a pack of attention-starved hyenas and doth you with the accursed nickname "gimpy-boy" that to this day you still get called.

Oh yes, laugh now, for your reclining chair will ultimately have the last laugh. They're sneaky buggers. Don't turn your eyes away from them for a second. One minute they're heaven on the buttocks, the next they're spilling you on the floor like a bad habit.

...or so I've been told

Amanda said...

Pearl, when you find that shampoo and conditioner that keeps your colored hair continually colored, you have to share! I am tired of going my last week or two with really light roots in a witch streak pattern.

Lazarus said...

I'm embarrassed to say how many accidental discoveries like that I've made, although I'd guess we all have... very funny stuff, loved the "dope-slap" to the head line, I'll be stealing it soon!

Jinksy said...

I had a chair like that, but, having read the instruction book, I mad full use of its ability right from day one! LOL. :)

Symdaddy said...

I am old!

Therefore it is fair to assume that I discovered the 'reclining'office chair long before you did.

I now have a 'reclining' chair in front of my PC at home too. I sit on it daily ... reclined, of course ... as I stare at my monitor.

I have been waiting for nearly 5 years for it to start tap-dancing.

I think I saw it twitch yesterday, so I don't have long to wait now.

the walking man said...

Is Acme grommet company going to make you buy a new chair to replace the one you broke?

Steve Gravano said...

Now you gone and blown it for the rest of us. I went to work and my chair was missing. Management left a note stating it has come tho their attention that some employees are reclining at their desks. To end this problem, there will be no more chairs in the office. Hey thanks.

hoodyhoo said...

My office chair reclines, but it doesn't STOP. So if you pass the point of no return, the back of the chair will fall off and dump you on your ass.... generally live on the radio!

Angela Felsted said...

This is hilarious! Like discovering your cell phone has a flashlight on it after way too many years.

Gaston Studio said...

Good on you Pearl for having spent 8 years actually working at your job... before making that wonderful discovery!

Kate Mohler said...

Hope this makes your work-time more enjoyable. Did you think you were the only employee there being denied a reclining chair?

haphazardlife said...

Your chair reclines? Awesome! Does that make you a power player?

- Jazz

Susan in the Boonies said...

Wonders. Never. Cease.

And you can take that one to the bank.