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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Critics Rave: Paps, Pedis and Pub Changes Everything!

Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon.

We’re not looking at it properly, people! I mean, it’s a pretty cut-and-dried situation, isn’t it; and once the results are in, you either get a letter or a phone call, right? So why so serious?

And so in an effort to maximize the experience, Mary and I, in conjunction with Two White Chicks Cleaning, have a plan.

Sit down. Sip your water. Now clear your mind.

Paps, Pedis, and Pub.

Follow me now. We’re thinking you can leave your shirt on and slip into one of our tear-away flannel pants.

Go ahead – have a seat.

Please note that the chair is on wheels, the pedicure basins on either side of the chair. The temperature okay for you? There’s a pouch in the front: the questionnaire you filled out ahead of the appointment determines if you find chocolates, beef jerky, or chewing tobacco in there.

Of course there’ll be a package deal including all three: chocolates, beef jerky, and chewing tobacco; but I’m not prepared to give away the details of our Valentines Day package just yet.

So you know those drive-over, in-the-ground bays at the oil-change places? Well those figure into the process. As I said, the chair is on wheels, and like the oil-change technicians, that’s where we’ll be keeping the medical professionals: down in the bay. Oh, it’s all on the up-and-up. I mean, there are people in white coats, heat lamps... We can talk about the details, if you’re interested.

You’re offered a choice of musical selections and one of those hats that holds beverages (coffee, tea, water, select beers and wines). You also have the option of drinking out of a mug, as well, but what the heck. It’s a party, right?

Already, I’m excited. Think of the promotional drives: Bring in a friend and knock half off the cost of your next Pap and pedicure!

And does anyone else see the Speedy Reward Points possibilities?

For cryin’ out loud, man, the advertising campaign has fantastic potential!

Mary is working with the Small Business Administration on securing a loan as we speak. We can show you the business plan she’s working on, if you like.

The opportunities for success here are outrageous.

56 comments:

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Can we throw in some other add-ons? Because every time I go to Uncle Ed's Oil Change they're always trying to sell me wiper blades or air filters, ya dig?

Add-ons:

Mystic Tan
Teeth cleaning
Teeth bleaching
Waxing
Eyebrow plucking
Root touch-up
Facial

I could go on. But you get my drift.

Sausage Fingers said...

Will you be hiring?

Sarah said...

Count me in as a dedicated ahead of time customer.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Pearl, once again, you crack me up. Why not a little vajazzling while they're down there?

Pearl said...

YGTBKM, you've got some good ideas! It is all about the upsell, isn't it?!

Sausage, I shoulda had an answer for that one prepared... Dammit.

Sarah, I've added you to our mailing list!

Vajazzling?! Oh, Eva, you can sit in with Mary and I any time! We could riff off that for quite a while...

That Janie Girl said...

There was an article in Cosmo about vajazzling - go look it up! It's a business unto itself...unless, of course, you combine it with all those other services!

Yeehah! I'm game.

Jeannie said...

Awesome idea! They could also have a technician coming from behind to give the breast exam. The attendant medical workers could all wear Johnny Depp masks (or the celebrity of our choice) so we could enjoy the experience even more.

I got really loaded last year attending a pedi party.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Sign me up.
And Eva....OMG

And Pearl, please don't use "cut and dried" anywhere in your ads

Scarlet Blue said...

Yep, I have discovered that I can be vajazzled whilst getting my nails done in Brighton.
Thank you, Pearl, for bringing this to my attention.
Sx

Maundering mutterer said...

Oh Lord no! They mess around with enough bits - one too many in my opinion - already. My toenails are PERSONAL!

Douglas said...

I am afraid I am not properly qualified (or outfitted) to comment on this. Just be glad you do not have a prostate.

Kate Mohler said...

Sounds good to me! I'm in.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Mr Bruce is volunteering his time to do a double check to make sure everything was checked closely. OMG, this is too funny.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

I wonder if they could vajazzle my cervix? I like to feel pretty inside and out.

Glen said...

Thankfully I resisted my initial urge to shout "UNCLEAN" and click away at the halfway point in this post (it took me that long to figure out what you are on about - its all gobbledygook to me).

Persistence paid off - funny and certainly worth a go I suspect.

Can I apply to be one of the technicians in the bay? I'm not exactly trained in these matters but I'll certainly have a good look at it for you.

Oh and I make a good cup of tea

becca said...

omg that is too funny

Oilfield Trash said...

You should make the music be something like Barry White so it will put you in the mood.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Will this be open in time for me next month? I'll totally reschedule my appointment and pay for the trifecta of jerky, chocolate and tobacco.

Leenie said...

Crap! I just went through my "birthday present to myself." The only perk I got was the gel wasn't kept in the fridge. Oh, and the paper dress was pink.

Guess I'll have to wait until next year for the Pearl Pap and Pedi treatment. You'll have franchises in Idaho by then?

Jhon Baker said...

I am in no way able to identify with this. Other than the checking of the prostrate... which I will not go into at all.

Gigi said...

I'm sending you the address to my doctor's office STAT. They need to get in on this - particularly as I have an appointment in a few months.

On a side note, what I wouldn't give to sit on a conversation with you and Mary.

Sweet Cheeks said...

AGH!

AGH!

AGH!

*runs away*

=]

Hilary said...

Crazy funny. Chocolate and red wine for me, please!

Hutch said...

Too good. I also think that for safety when flying, everyone gets on board and is put to sleep and stripped naked. Then the necessary people come in and do the necessary things - teeth cleaned, parts checked, etc. - and by the time you get to Phoenix, you'll be done!! Dress you up and send you out with a smile. This could be a "Health Express" flight.

a Broad said...

We will not discuss the reluctance of a certain person here who has to do this .. in a Foriegn Language !!! :(

and odds are there will be no chocolate either ... weeping ...

lisleman said...

Honestly I posted today before reading this. But what a connection!! Mystic I tell ya.
I have a great location for your place. You'll need to read the whole post for it to make sense.
Your idea needs a better brand name. Here's one -
Bare Bottom Look N See -
Give me a little time and money - I'll give you more names.
Oh chewing tobacco - too messy maybe cigars would be better.

Roses said...

Count me in! I'll help with the business plan. I see a huge market potential here.

By the way, I think the add ons are awesome.

Can we also add party photographer? You know, to capture the special sistah bonding moments.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You had me at "heatlamps". If they just warmed up those instruments of torture before plunging them into your lady bizness it would be a giant leap in the right direction. Maybe some music of choice and a pinata too?

IndigoWrath said...

Sorry, I'm too busy getting my Penazzle on to answer this entry.

Pearl said...

You people are hilarious.

Off to Lisleman's. Can't wait to see what the connection is.

Oh, and Indigo? :-) Very nice.

Pearl said...

Roses, I love the idea of a party photographer as well. :-)

Irisheyes said...

I am against the idea of a photographer. Next thing you know someone will post them on Facebook and I'll never be able to find someone to hire me! :) But I really like the idea of the Johnny Depp masks or maybe even Sam Elliott masks. That voice....well..er..I gotta go.

Belle said...

Coors Lite and a pedicare - sounds good to me!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Wait, aren't the smokes s'posed to be for after? This is a truly inspired idea. I want in....well, not in, exactly, but you know.............

Cloudia said...

Sigh*

Flea said...

You are a freakin' genius.

Kyddryn said...

Miss Pearl, two words for ya: Air Fresheners.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Lazarus said...

What if some nurse was falsely telling people that you had a positive result on your Pap test, would that constitute a Pap Smear Campaign? Lame pun, I know, but men are uncomfortable talking about women's "downtown" region...

Tempo said...

Now heres a subject everyone should have an opinion about.. Why do you ladies put up with this invasive treatment anyway (rhetorical question) Shouldn't there be another way? or at least FM technicians.
I well remember the conversation I had with daughter3 when she came back from her first such visit. She said many things along the lines of..."you wouldn't believe what they do" and "I'm NEVER going there again" and "I've never been so embarrassed in my life" To say she was horrified would be an understatement.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Too funny!!!

and yes, I'm in as soon as your PP&P is up and running.

HumorSmith said...

I'm a guy, Pearl. Was I supposed to read that? Should I start a smear campaign?

HumorSmith said...

Wait...Laz beat me to the "smear" pun? WTF? I'm gyno get out of here right now. I'm groin while the groin's good. No pussyfootin' around for me, no sir. Don't give me any lips either...

hoodyhoo said...

GENIUS, I'm tellin' ya! Although I still think I'd rather just be knocked unconscious and get it all over with at once -- pap, mani-pedi, teeth-cleaning/filling, assorted waxings... in a few years they can throw in the mammogram!

Ami said...

No. Just... no.
I only go in if something scares me.
And even then I have to measure my degree of scared.

But mammograms don't scare me.

Go figure.

Lori said...

LOL I love it! Congratulations on POTW at Hilary's. Thanks for the laugh!

Friko said...

vajazzling?

I'm scared now, what are you talking about?

Pearl said...

Friko, my dear, I have no idea!

Elizabeth Grimes said...

Very funny! Congrats on your POTW. :)

Barbara Shallue said...

Now why didn't I think of that?? (congrats on the POTW!)

Joanna Jenkins said...

This totally works for me!
Congrats on your POTW from Hilary,
xo jj

ethelmaepotter! said...

I'd like a little lipo while you're down there, please...
This is hilarious! Well deserved POTW!

Life with Kaishon said...

Wow. Looking forward to the start of your business : )

Moannie said...

Ah Pearl! Shame I found out all this stuff now...
Thank the powers I shall never have to show any part of me to anyone in a white coat ever again.

HumorSmith said...

I'm back. And you are still very funny.

Susan in the Boonies said...

You. Are. Brilliant.

Smears Without Tears is my vote for your franchise name.

Or Breezin' Through Your Squeezin'.

Sandra said...

What great word pictures you've drawn! Thanks for the laugh. Your POTW honor was well deserved. :)