I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

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Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh, For A Moment I Thought I’d Have to do That For Myself…

A fairly recent discovery has me absolutely overflowing with can-you-believe-it-ness, and I can hardly wait to get to it.

But first! In light of my belief that my shuffled playlist, heard on my commute into the city on a Friday morning, holds some mystical implications for the weekend, I bring to you, absolutely somewhat-live and fully paid for, the mighty oracle that is the iPod:

The Green Manalishi by Judas Priest
Gone Daddy Gone by Gnarls Barkley
Dance Like A Monkey by The New York Dolls
Before I Was Caught by Jay Reatard
Shotgun by Southern Culture on the Skids
Hand and Mouth by Nomo*
Getting Down by The Kills
Freewill by Rush

Looks like whatever the immediate future holds, I have it coming to me.

Fair enough. I’m sure that whatever it is, I deserve it.

Speaking of which, I’m not sure what’s going on around here.

Despite being surrounded by doors that open themselves, stairs that do not require climbing but go up and down continuously, apparently modern life is not cushioned enough. Even paper towels in public restrooms no longer need you to pull on them – they simply dispense themselves.

And now?

Honey, you’re not going to believe this, but now the hand soap lathers itself.

Okay, okay, so I’m behind the times. I also hear that the ear trumpet has been replaced by something called a “hearing aid” and that the smart set is no longer starting fires with two shards of flint and a snarled bit of dry human hair.

Frankly, it was about time.

But pre-lathered soap?

I first noticed it in the Atlanta airport – lovely place – when I put my hands under the soap dispenser while looking for its pump. But hey! No pump needed: the little nozzle spat, as casually as you please, a load of lather into my waiting hand.

Lather? The soap's already lathered? What, now a machine is taking away one of the few things we need human beings to do? Hey – I was going to do that! I hate to be a Luddite about it, but come on! What next? When’s the fridge going to call the liquor store’s fridge to let them know they need to deliver more tequila? When’s my clothes hamper hooking up with the washer and dryer to ensure that I don’t end up wearing my swimsuit bottoms as underwear again?

Give us something we can use!

It’s a fascinating ol’ world, ain’t it?

I eagerly await tubes full of pre-chewed food.

* If I were to recommend a new song – nay, a new band – it would be Nomo, an Afro-beat group out of, of all places, Ann Arbor, Michigan. You should buy this CD, put it in your car, and then drive somewhere with the window down. And then stop for a small ice cream – not too big! And then check out your smile in the rear-view mirror and take a gander at just how good-looking you are.

Hey! By the way: Looking for a new blog? Looking for a blog with a giveaway? Check out Joanna at The Fifty Factor. Tell her Pearl sent ya. :-)


Simply Suthern said...

I still haven't mastered the art of getting the paper towels out of the auto dispenser. I feel like an idiot waving my hands in front of the sensor. Is it sign langauge, Morse code or the Miss America wave? Now I have to coax soap out? I'll prolly miss the plane.

MJenks said...

Have you ever had a song repeat on the Friday playlist? Just curious.

I'm reading a book right now in which the New York Dolls figure...somewhat prominently. One of the characters is obsessed with learning how to play their songs on guitar.

It's a terrible book. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. But I noticed that connection and was amused.

Argent said...

Those automated new-fangled doo-dads! I was once travelling around Germany and they had taps (faucets) that only operated when you put your hands under (no need to touch the faucet and get/leave germs). I stood for ages looking for something to turn, to press, to step on to get it to work. I'm sure the locals must have thought me somewhat backward.

Anonymous said...

Hate that lather-foam-faux-soap stuff. It doesn't work well at all. If you don't believe me, take my weekend challenge. Get yourself disgustingly filthy and sticky (gardening followed by popsicles?) then try using foam to clean your good-old-self up. Trust me, won't happen, sistah. Cheers! TOWP

Steel Magnolia said...

I look foolish as I wave my dripping wet hands in front of the paper towel dispenser only to have a small child of around 7 show me that to get the paper to extend I need to roll the knobby thing. And, I abso-freaking-lutely do not need to appear addled in my 60th year. it is a pride thing after all.


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

You are a strange girl...noticing such things is what marks you out from most of the other bloggers out there. Including me - because as soon as I read the self-lathering soap line I thought, 'Ah yes, I've seen that'.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Sweet Cheeks said...

Hand and Mouth
Getting Down...

Sounds like a bank robbery in progress to me.
Opt for the drive through today!

Krëg said...

Nomo gives me the Afro Celt Sound System vibe. Only with more brass and less woodwinds.

I was sad when Jay Reatard died.

Have a weekend.

Cheeseboy said...

Definitely will check out Nomo. They sound like another band I like called "The Very Best".

Irisheyes said...

Luddite! Good one Pearl. I am waiting for the machine that wipes my bum for me. :)

the fly in the web said...

Tubes of pre chewed food exist in British supermarkets...they call them pate.
Trust the U.K. to be ahead in the march of technology

Joanie M said...

I'm getting old. I didn't recognize one song on your playlist.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm just waiting for clothes that fold themselves...with the appropriate creases in place, mind you!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I thought SPAM was prechewed food ;-)

Haven't seen the pre-lathered soap but will be on the lookout. It actually sounds kinda weird.

THANKS for the giveaway shout-out. And know that your readers do as you tell them.... several have stopped by! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you when I pull the winner.

Have a great weekend.

Tempo said...

The Japanese are the best for usless inventions 'apparently' to save you doing it yourself. I'm eagerly awaiting self digging holes and self pulling weeds...
The funny (strange) thing is that we do all these effort saving things then jog or go to the Gym to get the exercise we need. Hmm! we're not very smart are we?!

Susan said...

I want a fridge that calls the liquor store!! Great idea!! And tubes of pre-chewed food? Ew! Fantastic description!

broken silences said...

If my bathroom paper begins to creep around at the exact time I should need it, I'm drawing the line at public restrooms. It's bad enough that while hovering over the seat trying not to sit and awkwardly handling a purse that the toilet decides to auto flush before you're finished and spray wonders on your backside.