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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Great News Everyone! I've Grown An Extra Arm!

Hey, ma! I’m one of the recipients of the “Best Posts of the Week”! Go look at it! Tell your friends!

And then be sure to tell them about how I’ve mysteriously…

Grown An Extra Arm!

Whew! And thank goodness I did! That whole I’ve-Only-Got-Two-Hands thing was beginning to get wearisome.

And now? Why, I can work a third more efficiently!

This has come in handy today (har har), as I’ve simultaneously moved through two piles of paper the heights of Hollywood-horror-movie headstones, applied lotion to my poor chapped knuckles, and sifted through the boxes of binder clips, rubber bands, highlighters and other articles of office jetsam leftover from last week’s office move.

We can’t let my boss see the extra arm, though. What? You have a new arm? Hey, would you mind making me a sandwich while you run 25 copies of this? Thanks so much!

Yeah. Don’t tell my boss. Or my husband. Or my son. This will be our little secret.

Can you imagine? Everyone will want one; and oddly enough, this won’t lighten our workload but expand it. Like the laptop, the cell phone, the Blackberry, or any of those other “convenience” items that have dragged our work life into our homes, eventually it will become a job prerequisite.

Well not this time. Not on my watch! We’re keeping this under our collective hats, shall we?

So I’m looking for jackets with hidden sleeves, unobtrusive patterns on shirts, advice on the proper wearing of capes.

Maybe stripes will mislead the eye?

I will be giving instruction/guidance on how to grow your own limb-of-choice at the Spring Street Bar this coming Saturday afternoon in exchange for Bloody Marys. Come early before I get too silly to explain it fully. I’ll be in a booth.

I’ll be the one with the third arm.

And bring your old gloves, old rings and bracelets. I’m really going to dress this extra one up on weekends.


Ann's Rants said...

Who-who-who-who-who let the arm out. (wince) Sorry.

Pearl said...

Hi, Ann.
Whatever you're on this morning, I think you should share it with the rest of the class. :-)

ICKY said...

You mean I could hold 3 remotes at once !?!?!?
I gotta get in on this seminare !

Kavi said...

Wow ! Would the extra arm keep the other arms at length..i mean at an arms length !

And when they say, 'he gave an arm and a leg for that ticket'..well, will they have to put a disclaimer that it was an extra arm..!

The Grandpa said...

How are you going to keep your extra arm under your hat? Did it sprout in a weird place?

Pearl said...

Hi, Icky.
Indeed you could!

Hi, Kavi.
We're going to need new sayings, I can see that now!

Hi, Grandpa.
I walked right into that one, didn't I? :-)


Not The Rockefellers said...

Can you imagine peeling potatoes, Pearl?

How about a back massage with those babies?

How will gloves and mittens be sold?

Will you know if it's gonna be a righty or a lefty? Can you get an ultrasound to find out? Would you want to know? Is there a possibility of having multiple arms?

So many questions Pearl!

Peace - Rene

Pearl said...

Rene, I'm getting my potato-peeling done in half the time!
Righty or lefty is an interesting thought. While I've grown it on my right side -- being right-handed, myself -- it's honestly a cross between the two. A little too clumsy to be a rightie but more "together" than the left.
Gloves/mittens? Now when I find one in the street, I can put it to use! As for others, I think it's a matter of will. And Bloodies. Will and Bloodies.

Braja said...

Pearl I think it's official, you're just a plan nutter. Now, having said that, grow a few extra and BANG! you're a Hindu deity. Think of the fame, the money, the CLOTHES!!!

Umm...btw...I think this post of yours was also meant to go into the "I Make Things Up" category...

Pearl said...

Braja, you are correct on all accounts. :-)
Hindu deity. Hmmm. I'll need a name and an occupation, won't I?
Perhaps that's a blog unto itself!
p.s. I do have "nutter" tendencies. Makes for an unreliable employment history but also makes me fun at parties!

Barbara Blundell said...

Pearl, do you know anything about growing legs ? I'm O.K. with only two arms but I would love an extra pin as one of mine is getting wonkey and I could do with a spare.I have loads of pairs of triple socks I can use up.
Advice and instructions welcome

Aria said...

I want an extra arm!--and some of Ann's meds lol... I think you should do theme weekends for your arm, and give it it's own costume for Halloween...

Pearl said...

Hi, Barbara!
Extra legs are tricky (toes just seem to be so much extra work somehow). I recommend yoga and daily walks. And beer in moderation.

Hi, Aria!
We all want Ann's meds! :-) I like the Halloween costume idea. A snake charmer? A Hindu deity?