There are shows on cable, shows poorly shot, shows with
dramatic pauses and whispered hisses of “Did you see that?!” and “Shhhh! I
think I just heard something!”, shows where one “goes green” for night vision and
androgynously unwrinkled people just this side of fetus-dom -- and all, mysteriously, named “Devon” -- stare
wide-eyed into the camera while whispering “Oh Em Gee, you guys, this is
amazing!”
These shows are about “phenomenon”.
The first thing to know is that nothing that they “discover”
rightfully evokes wide-eyed gazes.
None of it is amazing.
“No! No no no
no. It’ll be fun.” Kurt grabs a legal pad from the
Administrative Alcove. He is a planner
by profession, and there, in reaching distance – near the Spice Alcove but not
as far as the Emergency Candle Alcove – are the legal pads, pens, scissors, and
binder clips necessary for everyday administration.
He writes furiously, slides the pad to me. “Every time
someone says these things, you drink.”
Go Green/Went Green
Side by Side Comparison
Shh!
Look at that!
Nighttime Investigation
I narrow my eyes. “Whattaya, trying to kill me?”
This is a half-hour show with two “investigations”. In the first one – a 15-minute segment
dedicated to footage of a mist rising out of a swamp – there are six repetitions
of “Look at that!” and four of “nighttime investigation”.
I was sipping water after the first four. “Seriously, Kurt, let’s just walk out of the kitchen
and into the night. First one to lose a
finger to frostbite wins.”
Kurt chooses to misunderstand. “That’s my girl!”
The TV glows, and one of the Devons is almost dangerously
excited. “OMG! OMG!
You guys ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!
You gotta see this! It’s just a
common trick of the light! See? OMG you guys, it all lines up: the tree, the
phone line, the weight of an unladen swallow – see? In a side by side
comparison – after we went green? During the nighttime investigation? – it’s
identical to the original footage! You
guys! This is fantastic!”
The other three hosts bounce up and down in excitement,
high-five each other in delight.
Kurt shakes his head, bemusedly. “Right, Pearl?” He grins at me. “Look at that.”
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25 comments:
I want to start a new "reality" show called Finding the Unicorn. I will look at night (viewers LOVE green light), find unicorn fur on thorn bushes. We can market it on cable using all your mentioned devices and have a hit show for a couple of seasons, make a lot of money and still never find a unicorn. Are you with me?
Hari OM
Clearly I am missing out; do I feel the need to fill a gap? Nope. Didn't realise there was one! ... oh yes, there is - the one left by Pearl. So good to 'see' ya gurrl!!! YAM xx
My former neighbor is so serious about Sasquatch that I believe he could spawn him one day, from his mouth, like those worms that live in people on other bad TV shows.
HA ha!
Jono, I think you've hit on something with the unicorns. Syndication, my friend, we'll ride it until there are FB memes and t-shirts. USA! USA!
Yamini, you have a lot to do with my return. :-)
Joanne, I'm not saying there's isn't a Sasquatch -- who knows, right?! -- but I hope they never find him/her. Or the Loch Ness monster or any other wild/magical/potentially existent thing.I like a little mystery in my life!
You've nailed these shows, and I am guilty of watching sometimes. I'm pretty sure if they ever get a good pic of Bigfoot it might make the 6 o'clock news, but I watch anyway just in case the news is too busy with other things.
OMG OMG You guys are not gonna believe this! PEARL is back! With ghosts!
*DRINK*
Welcome back. Look at that - The blogosphere just got brighter.
Human investment in these shows goes deep. Who among us can wholly believe we aren't swamp gas?
Welcome home, Pearlie Girl; you've been missed!!
joeh, have to admit I watched "Ghosthunters", and once -- just once -- I saw something that freaked me out. Otherwise, it was a whole lot "Shh! Did you hear that?"
Dawn, I raise a glass to you as well!
Elephant's Child, thank you! I've missed it!
Geo, your email to me really picked me up. :-) Thank you!
fishducky, thank you -- I feel like I'm home!
OMG. Sssh. Look at that! It's a rare Pearl sighting. ;)
You have indeed been missed.
Oh happy days, she's back!!
I've been wondering about you. Hope all is well. Know that you've been missed more than you'll ever know. xo
Hey, did you see that floating by? Was it the return of Pearl? Welcome back to the blogosphere.
Hey, did you see that floating by? Was it the return of Pearl? Welcome back to the blogosphere.
I think this is why my TV set is tuned into tennis at present... Come April, baseball. And if there are too many "OMG" and "Look at that" comments, the sound goes off and I have Alexis play "Steely Dan"
A few years ago the hired help and I had to take out several wasps' nests that we found in the base of an old trailer. We sounded EXACTLY like the hee-haw hicks on those Animal Planet shows. It was embarrassing and funny. Predictable way to get drunk, writing the script for those cable shows.
I do believe you meant to say "Bigfeets" not "Bigfoots" ... however, we will forgive you if it means you'll come back :)
She's back! She's back! Hurrah!
And ha ha, the weight of an unladen swallow.
I never watch shows like that. One, once and that was the end of it for me. I'd rather watch something I can laugh at or something with some real action.
so happy you're back! just - well, so happy.
Whassat?! I used to distract my little ones (and, sometimes dogs) with that little gem. It sounds as though it works for all ages. (And dogs) Welcome home, Pearl-Girl!
PEARL! OMG! This post would have been even greater if it had included a photo of your face lit up by a flashlight under your chin.
Hey everyone, high five, Pearl's here! And I detest high fives as much as OMGs ...
Yeah I did a post about all the fake reality shows, they are not for me I am not that big a fool give me an entertaining pretend show over a fake reality show any day
Welcome back Pearl, I have missed your wit that makes me smile... so nice to see you back here xox
You could not have described these shows any better. They are so "serious" about it all, that is funny! Funny and so darn hokey...
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