I have several events/gatherings to attend in the next few days, and before I settle into serious party mode, I need to set some things straight.
I can trust you guys with this information, right?
Ahem.
Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and oh, ever, the first thing you're going to want to do is notify Pat. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: many of the legal documents will need translating, the jewelry is real, and the pills are either to help you sleep or for anxiety. See if you can figure out which is which. Ha ha. Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it. Additionally, if it seems something dreadful did happen and it looks suspicious, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.
To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, tortured, and misplaced, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!
To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is yours. Remember what I said about spending it on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting your car, specifically, and bathrooms, in general, until you do right. Please don't make your mother haunt bathrooms.
If I have not posted in 24 hours and my cell phone has "pinged" anywhere in South Dakota, contact Officer Dreumont, just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “Pearl says what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.
Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And some swelling.
Well. I think that’s everything, don’t you?
I can trust you guys with this information, right?
Ahem.
Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and oh, ever, the first thing you're going to want to do is notify Pat. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: many of the legal documents will need translating, the jewelry is real, and the pills are either to help you sleep or for anxiety. See if you can figure out which is which. Ha ha. Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it. Additionally, if it seems something dreadful did happen and it looks suspicious, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.
To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, tortured, and misplaced, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!
To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is yours. Remember what I said about spending it on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting your car, specifically, and bathrooms, in general, until you do right. Please don't make your mother haunt bathrooms.
If I have not posted in 24 hours and my cell phone has "pinged" anywhere in South Dakota, contact Officer Dreumont, just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “Pearl says what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.
Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And some swelling.
Well. I think that’s everything, don’t you?
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21 comments:
it's always good to be prepared -- :-)
A world without Pearl? Incomprehensible.
Covered it. Can't think of another thing.
Planning for the future is wise and necessary. :-)
Hari Om
...the best bit is you will return safe and get the chance to rethink and come up with even better variations... (I did. For real.) What fun. YAM xx
Pretty much covers it I think.
"Be Prepared, that's the Boy Scouts marching song . . ."
Thanks to Tom Lehrer for that and you, Pearl, for constant great humor.
Oh. And don't leave.
All I can say is that your events/gatherings must be more exciting than mine are. Maybe exciting is not the exact word to use. Dangerous? Life-threatening?
And I've had an afterthought - what happens to Liza Bean and Dolly? And what happens if those arrangements fall through? No, we already have four cats here. Yes, you're right, they would add a je ne sais quoi to the household. Oh, you are very persuasive, aren't you? They will always have a home here if need be.
Any woman who knows the proper items that belong in the underwear drawer, well I am good for your bail.
Note to self: Write down a list as informative and clever as Pearl's and make sure to be nice to someone a couple of times so I can leave it with them.
Taking notes here. I was wondering how to take care of some of the goings on that need to go on.
It appears tour underwear draw is a bit deeper than mine. I'll have to improvise there.
Scouts could learn from you in your level of preparedness (and if that isn't a word it should be).
Whew! That drawer has some incriminating stuff in it. Your mind never rests, does it? Party hearty, girlfriend.
"...but not as deep as the limericks." I actually lost a snot ball over that one. It's still here somewhere.
I sent a copy to my executor! I hope I "go" before you Pearl, as someone above said: "A world without you is incomprehensible".
Shrinkage and swelling...I think I suffer from the same problems!!!!
I always say that images in the mirror are warped, too. And bright light makes everyone look old.
If I ever see the smiley face I'll impersonate your son (since he never reads your blog) and claim your possessions (giving the tablets a miss). If anyone questions my identity I'll use your excuse - that years cause shrinking, widening, hair colour change along with voice and accent revolutions. I'm confident I'll be able to convince them. My only problem might be the time difference. The bat-single may go up when there's sunshine here - and I'll miss it.
Shrinkage AND simultaneous swelling?
Ha!
(Where can I go for the shrinkage? I've got an overdose of swelling...)
I wish this was a meme! I want to write my own instructions in the event of something bad happening to me!!
I already have a list of suspects.
Loved this, Pearl.
Sx
First thing thanks for the laugh,
second thing I should write something like this except who would read it not any of my girls that is for sure.....
I believe that you have it all covered. I'm pretty sure the maid has already taken everything of value from our drawers. Not that we have a "real" maid, just someone who cleans our house once a month, because, well, we are lazy. She's said a few odd things lately and I believe she's contemplating blackmail.
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