Shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but I could really use a million dollars.
First thing on the list to buy with that mil: Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. The coalition of inebriants that formed a giggling chain of imbalance in the back last night? I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water (or their beer) oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.
Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.
The next thing I want to get with my million?
My own bus.
The bus this morning, the bus immediately following the one I usually take, was just downright low-class. Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.
Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.
I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2013 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.
Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.
Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?
OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.
You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?
Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?
So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.
The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.
First thing on the list to buy with that mil: Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. The coalition of inebriants that formed a giggling chain of imbalance in the back last night? I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water (or their beer) oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.
Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.
The next thing I want to get with my million?
My own bus.
The bus this morning, the bus immediately following the one I usually take, was just downright low-class. Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.
Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.
I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2013 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.
Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.
Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?
OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.
You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?
Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?
So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.
The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.
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30 comments:
If you don't go with a union toady he can brush your hair too.
Holla!
Ooo, I hate it when the neighbours don't behave! Good luck with those collars and a little tip ... don't test them out on yourself ...
I hate to say it but I think I AM a toady.
'knock knock knock'
"Open up, its Dave. I've got the stuff"
Also look into getting a few minions.
Tee hee!
But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.
My check for $5000 just cleared so I expect $25,000,000 from Nigeria any day now and I could lend you a mil at a very low interest rate.
I don't brush hair but I am good at running my fingers through your hair and whispering sweet nothings in your ear 😊
Oh, Pearlie. You so funny. :)
I think you need to repost this with some mention of the cats before they get up and read this.
Hari OM
Perhaps a garden gnome or two..? YAM xx
Toady. I want a toady, or a sycophant, whichever lends the greater panache to my image.
A million dollars couldn't compare with the uses you would put it to, or the wonderful mind that generates them.
I love your line of thinking and I love the commenters. You guys just belong together. :)
Are you sure a million is enough? Hair-brushing toadies don't come cheap.
Though I would gladly pay to ride on your bus.
I hate to say, there really are professional hair brushers. Shiver me timbers on that one.
I want a toady, too. Perhaps we could find twin toadys, and can go halvsies on them.
Ver' funny. Yes. Ver' funny.
I love this. I love you.
Toady here, will brush hair for gin, limes, and the association perks.
YES! A professional hair brusher! If you want me to melt, do that for me! I LOVE having my hair brushed.
Kissing my neck is another melting point!! A hair brusher who will kiss my neck and then give me an hour long relaxation massage!! YES!!!
Damn I am reading some bloody funny blogs today
A SPARE mil? I haven't yet got my first mil, never mind a spare. but if I could spare it, I would spare it your way.
Unless it's to make your own Bangbus videos, a bus is the last vehicle I'd pick up with a million dollars.
An old guy got sick of his neighbors driving over the edge of his lawn, so he booby-trapped it with homemade spike strips and buried them just below the dirt. He got arrested, but I can see how people can drive you to do it!
Does the toady job pay well, my nephew and his wife live in your town--he may need a PT gig while in grad school.
OH Pearl you have not witnessed a full blown baggy ass hanging out shouting match until you see a Detroit one. Last week they came rolling up in a new Caddy got out with drawers dripping with cash and started shouting for the poor baggy pantsers to come get paid.
I pulled my drawers down to go get me some cash too but they laughed at me, I forgot you need boxers, they have no respect for a commando.
"No! I'M Dave. I think the cops saw me!
Ah, the things I don't need since I am not burdened with hair.
Life is sure easy not having hair.
Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition--ahahahaha! Thanks for the Sunday night giggles, Pearl. :D
And to think, some people spend their mils on fancy vacations. (Which would be totally lame without a toady.)
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