It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this
more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).
In case you’ve forgotten, Liza Bean Bitey (of the
Minneapolis Biteys) is a small, symmetrically-striped puss, a cat I often find
reaching a clever paw toward my dinner plate. At five pounds, Liza Bean is a
bird/mouse/bug killer of the first water, the kind of cat that makes you think
of cats "They're both attractive and efficient" and "Much bigger
than she is and she'd have to be registered as a weapon".
Liza Bean is one of those neat, tidy cats, a cat who
remembers when cats were gods and yet has come to terms with her fall in
status.
Liza Bean's been on my computer lately. I can always tell
when she has by the water bowl near the keyboard, the catnip laid out in neat
little lines.
It appears that the cat is looking for a job.
I must say, her resume is impressive.
I've cut-and-pasted it here for your pleasure:
Liza Bean Bitey
PO Box 114
Minneapolis MN 55413
Contact: whyioughta2@gmail.com
Summary of
Qualifications:
Drove a taxi in college -- highly familiar with area
roads.
Worked as an unlicensed plumber from '04 to '05. Have
been cleared of all charges related to the Margarita hot tub incident.
Short order cook in the late 90s. Ask me about my
Potatoes a la Schultz!
Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock Stock and Two Smoking
Barrels.
Positively motivated cat with an affinity for playful
poses, chasing things straight up a wall, and tugging at your earrings in the
middle of the night.
Experienced in pest removal (up to and including unwanted guests, those of the bug persuasion, and irritating family members).
Excellent claw-eye coordination.
Dependable, flexible, and able to maintain a sense of
humor under pressure.
I am looking forward to this new phase in her life. She’s been “sleeping in” for all seven of her
years, and she’s yet to offer to vacuum or lift the business end of a snow
shovel.
It’s time she contributed.
After all, there's no call in adding things to the
grocery list if you're not going to chip in for them. "The good
shrimp" my Aunt Fanny!
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23 comments:
She has packed a lot into her short life. I'm sure there's the perfect job for her out there somewhere - then you can put your feet up.
Hari Om
No. no, Pearl; it's like this. Ya feed her up on the good shrimp till about oohhh - at least 5.8lbs. Then you DO register her as a weapon.
There's money in arms you know!
The week starts with promise. YAM xx
Maybe you could rent her out as an uder the bed automatic dust cloth. Something new for her resume.
Gotta love that cat!
I know how hard she works at not appearing boastful about her many talents, but I do think she would be remiss if she didn't include a line or two about her skills at mentoring (with Dolly Gee) and network building (with her shady menagerie of associates).
Have the ittykays inquired about residuals from the ookbays yet?
I hear Lehman Brothers is hiring for the executive suite. I think that would be the perfect place for Liza bean Bitey except she is no fat cat, something that could work against her. Other than that she appears well qualified.
And like many females, seven-year-old Liza Bean doesn't mind lying about her age (see: short order cook info) ... but her experience makes her worth it!
Please let us know when Liza Bean Bitey lands a job. She seems capable of anything but I hope it's not as a masseuse.
She may have walked on as Cat #2 but as for background acting, she's Cat #1...
Get ta work, Liza Bean! No one gets the good shrimp for free!
What? Nothing on her resume about her experience with Squeak Toy???
I'd hire her!
Tell her to send her resume our way - she can't be worse than some of those we've already got.
Ah but to live the life of a beloved lazy cat, too busy being a cat to be bothered with such mundane things as snow shoveling.
I loved her work in "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels". She was the glue that held that movie together.
Well, I'd hire her, but I'm afraid she would take too many smoke breaks and gamble online when she should be working!
Hello Pearl,
Liza Bean Bitey should pawblish a few pawstings on here. Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar, would even take time out of her busy schedule to read it.
P.S., I know how much you love public transport. I have a post dedicated to you on my site. Gosh, I'm nice!
See ya,
Gary :)
Lizzy Bean just left that resume on the screen for you to see it. She's not really looking for a job, she just wants you to think so in order to get a reward. She is a smart one, that Lizzy Bean.
I know this from experience. I have cats myself who enjoy the good life a little too much.
And job or no job she will still be adding things (including but not limited to the good shrimp) to your shopping list. She will have better and more important uses for her wages. And probably yours too.
Given the fact that she likes sleeping in, Liza Bean should probably be looking for an afternoon shift somewhere.
We've got day shift openings here at Chez Green Girl. Can always use a good mouser!
Sounds pretty fishy to me. 7 years old and was a short order cook in the late 90's? I'd be checking THAT out. Good luck to her, though. She must really want a job...
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