I couldn’t be more prepared. I have, after all, both brushed my teeth and bathed, so tonight is looking pretty
sweet.
I am driving to my first speaking engagement, the first
one I will do that does not consist of reading from stapled, large-font-ed
sheets of paper. The first one where there
is no chance of an adult beverage being served, nor books for sale, nor someone
I know making a well-intentioned but obscene gesture at me in the hopes of
freaking me out whilst I am a’stage.
The drive to the school is interminable – and far too
much of it is at 30 miles per hour.
Thirty miles an hour?
Did you know there’s a 30 miles per hour now?!
My car is rolling its eyes at me, I can tell.
Thirty. I am in
agony. What a ridiculously difficult
rate of speed to maintain. I’ve got a woman
walking a dog about to pass me – on the right, thank you very much – a guy on foot trying to hand me a pamphlet
about “the power of positivity”, and a man on a bike coming over a hill growing
larger and larger in my rear-view mirror.
I am only marginally exaggerating.
Maybe I’m nervous.
And then I belch.
And I go pale.
It had been so long that I’d forgotten…
Look. Plenty of
people have nervous habits. Am I
right? I mean, what I do is not
uncommon. It’s not, as my friend Mary
would say, a heinous habit.
But it appears it’s a habit nonetheless.
I swallow air when I’m nervous.
Panicking, I look at the clock on the dashboard. Roughly half an hour until I speak – when did
I start noticing that I was nervous?
Noon? Was that why I didn’t
finish my sandwich?
Holy Hannah, have I been swallowing air since noon?
I belch nervously as I spot the sign that points me to the
parking lot I’ll want.
I belch as I find a spot.
I belch again as I grab my purse, my handouts.
And I belch yet again as I walk through the front doors.
Hi, I practice
as I move through the double doors, my
name is Pearl– urp – and I write the blog Pearl, Why You Little…
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36 comments:
As far as social indiscretions go, belching and not wearing pants are more at the middle of the spectrum.
Come to Texas. We've just opened up a stretch of freeway where the speed limit is 85 MPH, which means most people will be going more than 90.
is this going to be on youtube, sugarpie? ;~) xoxoxoxox
Shelly, 85 MPH?? Really? I think that speed might actually frighten me!
savannah, :-) wouldn't that be lovely?
It could have been worse? All the air you swallowed could have made it out the other end whilst you were in a pantsless condition?
What is the sound of one hand clapping? Who cares when compared with the sound of one butt chee.....okay, I'm stopping right now.
Jacquiline, don't think the thought hadn't occurred to me!
One question:
Do you do a) normal burps or b) nasty 'call HAZMAT team' smelly burps?
If b) then you are in trouble!
I will now picture you as Sir Les Patterson, and as you may not have heard of the gentleman, I will let you search youtube for him.
I misread your opening paragraph, and thought you had brushed both your teeth, but then I re-read it, before I started calling you Pearl-Bob.
If you need someone to make obscene gestures, I will do that for free. I am very good at it.
Did your speaking go okay? We're they impressed to have someone as famous as you? If its any comfort I don't drive that fast in my part of Texas, my my, 85 MPH. You can't enjoy the scenery at 100 mph, much less text.
George, my belching is quite harmless, really. I'm just not all that good at it (cannot belch on command, for instance).
Vicus, Les Patterson, eh? Excellent -- now I have something to do during work hours! And I would love to see you in the audience, gesticulating away. :-)
esb, I know, right? How is one to apply make-up at that rate of speed?!
When I speak in front of people I don't belch; I get sweaty palms. I can't decide which is worse.
Stephen, have you seen me stifle a burp? :-)
I had a friend who could (proudly) belch the birthday song. But she never did it at a speaking engagement. You're my idol!
Are you teaching a class at Metro State? Why haven't you told us?
Make message, text up, AND right a blog! (See? I can' teven write at zero miles per gaLLon.)
Sooo... was I reading so slow (30 mph is about my reading speed) that I missed the part about the NO PANTS? You can swallow a lot of air going that slow especially when that lady brings her dog over to pee on your tires.
I left you a comment earlier this morning, but I think I must have forgotten to hit "publish".
Anyway, after reading this funny post, I was reminded of Foster Brooks, the perpetually "drunk" comedian on the Dean Martin show, who had a terrible problem with oral flatulence.
Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzAXb7qCCAo
As long as the smell of digested beer doesn't accompany your belch. It's not like you were asked to sing the national anthem.
Do NOT try to stifle a belch, you will explode through your ears. I know, because I've done it. On the other hand, it will cure hiccups.
This is so exciting. Our Pearl on stage, charming the audience. How I wish I was there.
But Pearl...urp! I bet...urp...you did great...urp ANYWAY! Urp!
(Even though there is no video to prove it. Grrr...)
I think it's really cool that your were speaking...belches or not!
As far as eruptions go a good belch is preferable to another more humiliating expulsion, when you think about it. In my dreams I am often in public venues minus pants. What does that mean? Anyway, dollink, I'd love to have heard you speak.
In Australia all roads are speed restricted. Urban areas (built areas) have speed limits of 30 mph (school zones 24 mph). Highways are 62 mph and Freeways are 68 mph. No speeds in excess of 68 mph are permitted. Like Texas, we have great expanses of lightly trafficked long, open roads through rural areas but still restricted to 63 mph.
I bet you were fabulous!! And, a belch as your opening statement would be just appropriate!!
Hi Pearl,
Yes, it's me, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, recently upgraded to superstar status! :)
I'm a bit confused about "pants". I 'pants', but didn't know you could wear pants. And with that, I shall now go belch in my human's face!
Pawsitive wishes, Penny :)
You mean to tell me that in a room full of tech-savvy young people not ONE of them thought to take a video of you speaking and post it for the world to see and marvel over?! I worry for the future. I really do.
Oh! You need to tell us more! This is excellent :)
Yea, you just hung Metro State University on a blog then left us hanging. The hell with the belching pants, tell us about MSU.
I have speaking engagement on Saturday. Now I am fearful of releasing air.
Well, it coulda been farting, right?
Small blessings.
Speaking of our bodily emissions and nerves: I'm in Year 22 of teaching, and I still spend the first day of classes dashing for the toilet.
You are welcome.
Wait. You were passing out hand-outs? I didn't get one. Could you pass one over to me?
I think that at Metro State is definitely a burp-worthy occasion. I am sure you did a wonderful job. But it should have been video-taped! For all of us.
I guess if I had a choice I would rather belch than fart! I once got all dressed up to go to a poetry reading and when I arrived I realized I had forgotten to put on my bra!! Even though it was rather warm, I kept my sweater on.
How I wish I could have been there. Will you gain another kazillion followers here at Pearl Central?
As a recovering microphone whore I have absolutely no inhibitions about gassing my audience. Hell most of them deserve the smell to go with the poetry, they are after all mainly musicians. I do wear pants though, it's the underwear that I "hahahaha nervously" forget.
Pearl, I really liked the fact that a woman walking a dog is passing you. Nervous or what. The observer of minutiae in slow motion. Perfect. Burp.
Hope it went well . . . and belching is much to be preferred to the other way of releasing unwanted/excess air/gas . . I speak from experience *blush*
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