Having moved out of the home I’ve known for the last ten
years almost two months ago, I knew that, eventually, I would hear from at least
one of the cats.
And there in my mailbox Monday afternoon was a pale blue envelope, addressed to me in a spiky, old-world script.
It is from Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys),
a symmetrically striped cat with a penchant for gin and late-night conversation,
a small-pawed bon vivant once photographed doing the Charleston in a fountain with Russell Brand, a feline who purportedly once swam the English
Channel in nothing but her dress collar.
I run up two flights of stairs, tear the letter open as I
throw myself on my bed.
Dear Pearl,
I understand you
moved out a while back now. Is that
true? Of course, I should’ve noticed
earlier. For example, we’ve recently run completely out of limes – how can I possibly enjoy summer without a gin and tonic? I’ve
been unreasonably sober for days now…
And that reminds
me: Did you know that Dolly Gee Squeaker has been wearing Daisy Duke shorts and
using your discarded eyeliner? Did you
know she’s been singing karaoke since Sunday?
Patsy Cline. Heavens help us, I
do enjoy Patsy Cline, but how much can one cat take?
I close my eyes, momentarily, and envision Dolly Gee Squeakers, a long-haired, mysteriously badger-shaped Siamese mix with a passion
for string and the need to eat every 20 minutes, holding a microphone and yowling
“Crazy”.
I smile.
In addition to the dearth
of limes in the house, continues Liza Bean, I find that there’s no one to watch Maury Povich with me, no one who
understands the joys of raucously sympathetic mockery.
I’m sorry to say,
dear Pearl, that, not unlike the attentions of a truly good waitress or one’s ability
to fall asleep and stay there, it’s not until someone you hold dear is gone that
you realize just how very dear they are.
So I’m thinking – and
if you tell Dolly, I shall be forced to make a large donation in your name to any
number of organizations you would never donate to – but Squeak Toy is playing this weekend. Come, as my guest, won’t you? We’ll be in the alley – you know the place.
Mouse Bits and
Catnip-ly Yours,
Liza Bean Bitey, of
the Minneapolis Biteys
p.s. Bring limes.
Stunning.
ReplyDeleteYou left them there alone? Oh my, all hell will break loose in short order.
ReplyDeleteI've moved into a radically smaller place. It hurts, yes, but they are better off where they are...
ReplyDeleteHaving received a letter from Liza Bean now, I do hope a letter from Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) isn't far behind...
LOL A cat that swigs gin n tonic. My mutt Liquorice adored beer but he's on the 12 step programme now. :)
ReplyDeleteRoly, a sober dog is a happy dog. :-) He still smokes the 'grits, though, am I right? :-)
ReplyDeleteI’ve been unreasonably sober for days now…
ReplyDeleteOh, how I love that line and how I feel her pain!
R., when you've run out of limes and favor the gin, what does one do??
ReplyDeleteThis is disturbing on several levels. Don't forget to pick up limes!
ReplyDeleteAwww... well I'm glad she realized you were missing... eventually. And sent such a lovely letter. You might be getting a knock at your door if you don't bring those limes. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteAh, missed her (Liza) - glad to see her back here! x
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they do miss you...as you no doubt miss them. I raise my gin and tonic in memory of happy times.
ReplyDeleteBig Jimmy of the Humane Society of Florida Jimmies, is very sympathetic and would like to offer you a southerly jaunt to collect some of his prize "Key Limes"
ReplyDeleteFantastic for pies or salt rimmed ritas, Jimmies limes are the perfect tonic for you and your forlorn felines. Jimmy grows good limes.
I'm sorry you had to leave them behind. The right thing to do doesn't always feel right - or good. You are a strong lady.
ReplyDeleteLiza Bean has a heart. Imagine!
Its a good thing you only left a two month supply of limes. If you would have left three months worth she might have forgot completely about you. Sad.
ReplyDeleteI am always careful when discarding eyeliners, ocean liners, and Freightliners.
Sad that your cats aren't with you. :( You better get some limes for Liza Bean straight away! Summers without G&T's dosed with limes are unbearable.
ReplyDeleteYou are no longer the Cat lady?
ReplyDeleteI am concerned.
Brilliant. Unreasonable sobriety can be a frightening condition.
ReplyDeleteOh, if only I lived closer! I have a supply of limes and gin that I would gladly share in exchange for a Squeak Toy concert!
ReplyDelete...the joys of raucously sympathetic mockery...
ReplyDeleteAh, I enjoy some of that myself, but I bet your wit serves you exceptionally well. Sorry your best audience is not there with you.
*Sigh* My heart hurts that the girls are not able to be with you. On the other hand, I just got a cold shock of fear remembering that they also have your credit card number. The potential for late night phone calls looms large Pearl. Be prepared.
ReplyDeleteI grieve for the kitt-ays as I know they must grieve you, and you, them.
ReplyDelete~sigh~
I hope you have visitation.
So this is a permanent free-for-all for the two girls, huh?
ReplyDeleteI hope the police in your old neighborhood have been alerted...
Ahhh, SQUEAK TOY. Happy memories! But the letter brings a tear to the eye; it must be the limes.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a ploy to follow you home. She'll be leaving treat bits for Dolly G to follow. Just don't let Squeak Toy get in the parade.
ReplyDeleteIt's good Liza Bean has the good graces to keep in touch after all the great times you had together!
ReplyDeletewow - no one takes the time to write letters in today's electronic world. Maybe if I knew a cat I might get one.
ReplyDeleteWhat I can't figure is:
ReplyDeletea) How she managed to hold a little pen in her tiny little fingers?
b) Why this fixation with limes?...I would have thought that it would have been more appropos for her to be making a martini with a dead mouse.
Unreasonably sober(LOVED that line!) can be a sad state to reside in.
ReplyDeleteOh, shitpissfuck. I cannot bear to have my worst fears confirmed. My heart is broken. You ARE catless.
ReplyDeleteI have a great lime tree.....tell Liza Bean to hang on. Next crop will ripen soon......sob.
All I've got is a big, warm Texas sized hug for you.
ReplyDeleteI believe the Pennsylvania Bitteys lost a T while traveling west.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad thinking of you all alone without Liza Bean and Dolly Gee. Of course you must go to the Squeak Toy show and take limes.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to be unreasonably sober. Poor Liza Bean.
ReplyDeleteOh good, I have wondered how they were doing.
ReplyDeleteIn time, you will be hanging out with them again, or even possibly a new little furry one. You never know, things constantly change.
besos.
Much is explained . . .
ReplyDeleteI just saw your picture, with the words, "Have you seen this woman?" followed by what can only be an intimate's knowledge of . . . intimates, and written in a rather spiky old-world script, taped to several bottles of gin. The good stuff. Your absence has been noted . . .
A pretty good name for a band: Squeak Toy.
ReplyDeleteA great name for a band: Dearth of Limes.
I am shocked that you've left her behind. I just know that you'll be talking to her about moving in with you at her gig,
ReplyDeleteThey'll always know you're their real person.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like how you admit the left-behind eyeliner was yours...but not the Daisy Dukes.
I can't bear that you had to leave the cats:(
ReplyDelete