I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Another Round of Gin and Tonics, Please. Put It on The Cat's Tab.

Still sweating, my face radiating the good health of, say, a boiled beet, I open the front door to find Liza waiting.  Seated at the top of the stairs, tail wrapped tightly around her adorably tiny paws, her eyes glint greenly in the sifted light of an open window.

“Look at you,” she says in a tone normally reserved for her observations on no-name seafood and below-the-butt belted trousers.

“What?” I say, irritably. “I’m supposed to look this way. The yoga studio’s a hundred degrees, for cryin’ out loud!”

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) chortles indulgently. “Tsk, tsk,” she murmurs. “I thought yoga was supposed to be calming.”

“That’s what the drinks are for,” I say, peeling off my clothes. “Let me hit the shower quick.”

Fifteen minutes later, freshly laundered and talcum-ed to a powdered-donut-like degree, we are in the car and heading toward Psycho Suzi’s, just a couple miles down the road.

It is over the first round of gin and tonics that Liza Bean leans in.

“So what would you say if I were to let you in on an excellent investment opportunity?”

My mouth drops open.

The cat smiles. “I’d like to talk to you about the power of positivity.”

I hold my arm up and holler in the direction of a heavily tattooed server. “Check!”

Liza Bean wraps her little black lips around her straw, chuckles good-naturedly. “Sucker,” she smirks.

“Liza Bean, I swear…”

“Oh, come on,” she says. “You didn’t believe that, did you?”

I scowl at her. “You’re giving me wrinkles,” I say.

A striped paw goes up and a server appears immediately. Cats are notoriously good tippers, and this server knows it.

Liza Bean leans back magnanimously, her raised paw drawing small, all-encompassing circles in the air. “I’m thinking tater tots,” she muses. Her eyes meet mine. “What?” she says. “They’re delightfully campy.” She closes the menu, smiles graciously at the server. “And two more drinks, extra limes.” She turns to me. “Pearl?”

“An order of the pickle roll-ups.”

The server is speeding away as Liza Bean lowers her head toward her drink. “Don’t look now,” she says, speaking around the straw in her mouth, “but there’s a woman over there I believe I saw suspended over New York attached to guy wires in last Thanksgiving’s parade.”

I pull my compact out of my purse, use the mirror to look behind me. “She’s about ready for market,” I agree.

Liza Bean snorts. “And there’s a man over there,” she murmurs, her head tilting ever-so-slightly to the right, “with a barcode tattooed on the back of his neck." She laughs, a low purr of a laugh. "Such angst!”

She accepts her second drink with a nod to the server, squeezes one of three limes into it, sips, adds the second and third. “I’m thinking of running up Tattoo Boy's back and perching on his head after my third, perhaps fourth drink. Where do you stand on that?”

I glance casually at the man she’s talking about. He’s enormous. “Hmm. I’ll be standing next to the car,” I tell her, “frantically trying to get the key in the lock.”

Liza Bean’s eyes sparkle like found dimes. “I do so enjoy our outings.”

“Me, too.” We smile at each with the heartfelt sincerity of the slightly inebriated.

I decide the time is right.

“Liza Bean,” I say, casually, “I couldn’t help but take a look into the car this morning and notice that there was a minnow bucket in the back seat.”

Her green eyes meet mine. “A gal likes to snack.”

“That was a big bucket,” I observe. “For such a small cat.”

She nods slightly. “I suppose I may as well tell you now,” she says. There is silence as she finishes off her second drink. The server appears with Liza Bean's – and my – third gin and tonic. A five-dollar bill is produced from between the toes of the cat’s right paw and the server appears to curtsy…

I blink my eyes. Man but these drinks are strong.

I lose patience.

“OK! OK!” I say. “Tell me already!”

The cat smiles. “We had a meeting last night,” she says, squeezing the limes into her drink. “Perhaps you’ve noticed that I’ve had my violin restrung?”

I shake my head. I hadn’t noticed.

The server appears, sets the tater tots down in front of Liza Bean. The cat smiles and with the deft snap of a wrist arranges a napkin in her lap. “Squeak Toy is getting back together.”

I stare straight ahead. Squeak Toy…

“We never did get the security deposit back at our last space, you know…” Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) sips her drink, holds a claw-speared tater tot up in the air before popping it into her mouth. “But I’d say that, older and wiser, we’ve learned our lessons.”

She smiles, holds up her drink. “So what do you say? What will you charge to let us practice in the attic?”

43 comments:

R. Jacob said...

I think I would have the folks at NCIS do a background check on that cat.
By the way, a beer charge or two might show up on your tab!

Pearl said...

R., has she been buying you beers again?!

Shelly said...

I think Liza Bean should explore a reality tv series for herself. It would be much better than the current fare~

esbboston said...

There is nothing quite like a good chortle, eXcept maybe a quad of quarter chortles, unless I am perhaps thinking of quarterhouses. Quarterhoses? No, quarterhorses, that's better.

Hope your Wednesday goes eXtremely well.

Simply Suthern said...

I hate cats, They work you over worse than any teenager.

I'd prolly think different if I was the server.

Joyful Things said...

It's only 8:39 AM where I am and after reading this could go for a G&T with extra limes and a serious hour of people watching with you and Liza Bean. It's not too early for that is it?

mary i said...

Nothing funny to add. BUT I could read you everyday all-day-long and Never get bored...YOU ROCK!!! ( Sound of much laughing is coming from T-Town AL) Please don't ever quit :)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

there'd better be another gin and tonic in it for you...at least.

Hannah Denski said...

That's it! I'm hooked! Next please! Will you let her practice in your attic?? : )

ThreeOldKeys said...

I bet when Liza Bean was a kitten, she liked to spear a tater tot on each claw ... and I bet she wouldn't admit it now.

Brian Miller said...

ok, maybe the two of you should get a tv show...lol...you may need a few more drinks once they start practicing...

bill lisleman said...

tater tots and gin-n-tonics you are the best Pearl!
I see fat people - you see Macy Day parade floats - amazing.

CarrieBoo said...

If you guys ever come to a bar in Tillsonburg... let me know! AWEsome, possum.

fishducky said...

I don't mean to sound CATty, but do you really want to be the CATalyst of a CATaract of CATastrophic CATerwauling echoing in the CATacombs of your house? Miss Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) seems to be in the CATbird seat. I'd do my CATechisms if I were you--just sayin'

Joanne said...

Before you agree I advise you get in writing what they are older and wiser about, and especially what lessons they have learned.

Leenie said...

Dang. Now I want pickle roll-ups and since no one around here knows what they are I'll have to make them myself.

jenny_o said...

And you ignored those warning bells at your own peril - the ones that said she'd be wanting SOMETHING, to be taking you out for drinks and nibblies like that. Tsk. Oh, well, what's done is done :)

vanilla said...

Surely you'd not let those swingin' cats back in the attic?
Do you never learn?

Susan in the Boonies said...

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl.

This cat is a loose cannon.

She cannot be trusted.

Minnow buckets today? Fish skeletons picked clean tomorrow in your car. Where will it end???

Craver Vii said...

What?! I'd have assumed that cats are only good tippers if your currency is decapitated mice. But now I know better.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I wish we were closer, she could practice here, anything to drown out the sound of the horns at rush hour .. besitos...

Suldog said...

Yay! Squeak Toy is getting back together! I'd set up a hidden video camera at the rehearsals. You know how volatile they are. Might get some footage you could sell to TMZ or something, make it worth your while.

Eva Gallant said...

I knew she had something up her furry sleeve!

Eva Gallant said...

I knew she had something up her furry sleeve!

Glen said...

people watching is always best when shared with a cynical pet

Hutch said...

Never trust a cat who buys you gin and tonic. But - Squeak Toy! I am so sad I am too old to be a roadie.

Dr Max Tunguska said...

Cats are always plotting to take over the world. I know my cat is, but I don't have any proof yet. She's clever that one.

Ms Sparrow said...

I love the picture of Liza Bean casually popping Tater Tots as she skillfully maneuvers you into a deal.
That cat is masterful!

cloudia charters said...

Love that title!

How COULD you have known that YOU were on my mind - intended to visit today, then there YOU were at my place.


Spooky - Wonderful Spooky !


Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

> < } } (°>

Gigi said...

Pearl, are you really that naive? I know darn good and well that any "tab" Liza might have was probably paid for with your credit card. Check your statement.

What in the hell is a pickle roll up?!

Symdaddy said...

Sorry I'm late for the party!

Another great LBB (OMB's) tale!

Well done Pearlchen!

The Jules said...

Out of interest, what are the violin strings made from, because this anecdote could be about to take a turn for the macabre?

SparkleFarkle said...

Your cat has so many interesting things to say and seems to know just the right time to say them. My cat, Noddy, woke me at 4:30 AM the other day so he could tell me, "I killed a mouse. It's in the bathtub." What a guy, huh? He could have least offered me a drink...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"“Me, too.” We smile at each with the heartfelt sincerity of the slightly inebriated."
Every day, I find a pearl sentence in a Pearl post. This was it today. :)

The Elephant's Child said...

You just have to listen when a cat is talking. And you might as well let them practise in the attic - if you don't she will need your car much more often.
I adore Liza Bean, but am happy that she is not here to teach Jazz anything. He would adore her too, and would undoubtedly attempt to emulate her.

HermanTurnip said...

“So what would you say if I were to let you in on an excellent investment opportunity?”

My two rules in life:

-Never trust financial advice from a cat
-Never trust a snake wearing suspenders

These simple rules have helped me through life thus far...

JeannetteLS said...

That's it. One of the things I miss most from childhood is having my bedtime picture book.

I want the series of Liza Bean Bitey (not to be confused, clearly with the Hoboken Biteys) grown up kids' picture books.

You need an illustrator and since eBooks and such are in color, you can sell em here. Yup. Of course, I want a boxed set of LBB Classics, but that's me.

Sorry. Got carried away...

kj said...

i saw your comment to walking man and i came here. i want to come again.

and i will

love
kj

NellieVaughn said...

I am against this. It's always important to remember why the band broke up in the first place. I say Liza Bean Bitey should just start a new band. I can play the piano, you know.

River said...

I say charge like you've never charged before. You need a retirement fund.

the walking man said...

Pearl...hide the credit cards off site, out of the house and away far away from the cat band who'll burgle them if you don't. No band is ever self supporting.

Pat said...

She is just so incredibly cool.

Diane said...

No way. Remember last time? Who ended up cleaning the mess?