I Can Hardly Wait to See What Happens Next

There are things that fall outside of our personal expectations.

You know, the stuff that happens to other people in other places but certainly not to us.

Well, to you, maybe. But certainly not to me!

What's that? What kinds of things? Oh, I don't know... Coffee breath, warts, wrinkles, undignified medical conditions, legal and illegal things that shall remain nameless.

Scary things.

The kinds of things that come with living to adulthood.

If you are like me – and I see no reason to believe that you are not – you, too, assumed that these things would never happen to you, not necessarily because you didn’t deserve them but because somehow we were different.

How deluded we've been, you and I.

These are in no particular order.

Seriously.

Stretch Marks: This one surprised me. Silly, when I think about it, since I was a good seven months pregnant when I first saw them… Caught the full picture in a three-way mirror at Sears whilst looking for something – anything! – that would fit. I burst into tears and came out of the room asking my boyfriend, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I figured you had enough problems,” he said.

Cellulite: Ah. Another condition I thought would not happen to me. People with cellulite are fat, aren’t they? Or lazy? Or – what was I thinking, anyway? I don’t remember, but I never expected to have dimples on my butt. Oh, well. No use in fussing about it. Others may think of it as “hail damage”, but I prefer to think of it as Braille for the blind boyfriends I’ve yet to meet. I’m sure they’ll thank me.

Gingivitis: Any time you go to the dentist and they suggest that you have work done in either two sessions (half a mouth at a time) or four sessions (quarter sections of the mouth at a time), you know you’re in for Big Fun. Having dental work done in shifts is the kind of suggestions you’ll hear when your dentist diagnoses gingivitis.

All I can say is: Listerine, kids. Listerine.

Practical Shoes: Despite the continued ability to run in three-inch heels, I’ve found that I have become more interested in comfort and practicality than how great those heels make my legs look. I now wear my beautiful heels only at work, not while getting there. I leave that bit of foolishness to the youngsters.

Carry on, Next Generation! Corns and bunions await you!

Loss of Love for the Horror Movie: This I place squarely on the shoulders of the movie industry. I love a good horror movie. Come on! I dare you! Freak me out! But the movies lately? Pails full of blood hurtled toward the camera or repeated filmed examples of sadism do not make things scary. I can’t remember the last truly scary movie I saw, although I have seen a number that just made me leave the room in disgust.

Beans and Other Gas-Producing Vegetables: Earlier in life I had assumed that this was a joke. I’ve come to find out that it’s not. You can take my word for it or you can learn it for yourself. The lesson I’ve learned? A bowl of chili for lunch prior to a late-afternoon yoga session is a bad idea.

Looking at this list, I think I've found the common link in these things; and here it is: the whispered stories of stretch marks and cellulite are true.

The generation ahead of us – what do they know that we don’t?



Ooh. There’s a horror movie for you: “I Know What’s Going to Happen To You”.

Now that’s scary.