Where is Marlon Perkins When You Need Him? or Anyone Else Need to Use the Ladies'?

There are a number of things that I know for sure, and this is one of them.

In some bars, the women’s bathroom is no place for the unwary, but with a few helpful pointers, you'll be back to your table and shouting at your friends in no time.

First thing to remember? Odds are good that everyone in said bathroom is drunk.

Second thing to remember? Because they are drunk, any issues the occupants of aforementioned bathroom have with themselves, their liquor, their boyfriends, people who use words like “aforementioned” or people who look just like you are likely to come out.

Let me give you an example.

It’s somewhere around midnight when you enter the bathroom of your local drinking establishment, and you are one cheerful, friendly SOB. The unsteady and unsmiling woman staring at herself in the mirror over one of the two sinks in the room closes one eye so as to get a more accurate look at you and says bitterly, “Well, don’t you look pleased with yourself”.

Do you:
A. Confide that you’ve recently lost 10 pounds.
B. Tell her to mind her own business.
C. Tell her the men’s bathroom is down the hall.
D. Get out fast and don’t look back.

The answer is D: get out fast and don’t look back.

But wait! you exclaim. I haven’t washed my hands!

This is true. You’ve not washed your hands. I suggest you either hit up any woman with a purse for the Purell she’s surely carrying or keep your fingers out of your mouth for the rest of the evening because you, my friend, may have just encountered a Swamp Heifer.

And she is one thoroughly dangerous and unpredictable beast.

Don’t let the title fool you. The "Swamp Heifer" inhabits all regions of the world, not just the swamps, and she doesn’t always have the girth – or the intellect – of a heifer.

But what, exactly, are we looking for when watching for the wild Swamp Heifer?

• Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny African birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippopotamus, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks.
• A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.
• A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate insofar as her drinks are concerned. Just keep ‘em cheap and ‘em keep coming.
• A Swamp Heifer’s clothing will eventually come off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough in the back to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than is palatable, or shoes that are removed and left under a table somewhere so she can dance barefoot.
• A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that have nothing to do with the beat and everything to do with her plans for the evening/future employment aspirations.
• A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at ear-splitting decibels that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.
• Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…
• A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. A Swamp Heifer without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. A Swamp Heifer with a boyfriend is a jealous woman who assumes the worst at all times. As a matter of fact, the man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening.

Which brings us back to the bathrooms…

And, now that I think about it, one of the reasons that women sometimes travel in pairs.