When I See the Newbies, I Feel the Urge to Stock Up on Ones…

Welcome everyone, and thank you for taking time out of your busy day to join us. Today’s topic comes from HR, so let’s quickly just turn this over to our Vice President of Human Resources, a man whose door is always open and whose attorney is on retainer, Dirk Hardly.

Dirk?

Thanks, Randolph.

You know, we here at Acme Grommets and Napkins take pride in the leading global role we have taken in the grommet and napkin solutions arena, and like it or not, the impression we make with our physical appearance matters.

The relaxed nature of our work, and of our office attire, can lead to misunderstandings in the work place.

We ask, as we have in the past, that you exercise good judgment in work attire. Look at yourself in the mirror before you leave for work, and ask the question: “Am I business appropriate?”

I refer, of course, to the newest members of our happy corporate family.

Bless their hearts, it appears that some of them have not heard the word “no” yet.

While I and so many of my generation appreciate the eagerness with which our fledgling employees approach the work place, the see-through nature of some of the tops, the shortness of the skirts, and the flip-flop-flip-flop-ness of their footwear has reached the point where we must now talk about it.

So let’s talk about what some of you are wearing to work.

I, for one, appreciate a little skin in the work place – if I’m in the front row and you are a pole dancer. And while some of you appear to be ill-equipped and entirely oblivious to both the state of your body and the clothing with which you’ve chosen to drape it, please believe me when I tell you: It don’t look so good. The chest/arm/neck tattoos? You were poorly advised and it pains me to tell you so. The mini-skirt? Not only do you not have the thighs for that particular spotlight but the cleaning crew is complaining about the state of your chair. And the cleavage? Let us not speak of your overly exposed cleavage. I don’t have the stomach for it.

The same could be said about the number of sweat pants, shorts, and strapless tops that have made their distracting way into the work place. I, too, was once young and understand the allure of the all-night parties and the effort that must be put into the odd blurred and hung-over workday. Word to the wise: a fresh change of clothes kept in your car or your locker at work, a traveling toothbrush, and no one’s the wiser.

That one’s a freebie.

So! In short, if what you’ve worn to work is also suitable for wearing at a beach, a night club, or to clean out the garage, do us a favor and re-think your career strategy.

Questions? Retorts? Threats of legal action?

Human Resources is here for you.