Virtually Welcoming You to Our Virtual Meeting

And now, a brief tele-meeting with our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.

“Hello! Can everyone see me? Yes? Great. You know, we are so glad all of you could join us today. Whether meeting in person or meeting virtually, we welcome you all, as we always have, with a warm – “

Bee-Boop!

“Hold on. Appears we have more people joining us!

“To whoever has joined us, welcome! As I was just saying, whether meeting in person or meeting virtually – “

Bee-Boop!


{sound of hand cupping microphone followed by muffled disgruntled-ness: “How do you mute this @!#$ thing?” A large disembodied hand passes by the camera, and several bee-booping moments later, the head of Randolph T. Freakly the Third reappears.}

“All right! We’re back!

“You know, the last few years have been difficult times, and in an effort to optimize our enablements, leverage our bootstraps and further verbify, I’d like to introduce the VP of Marketing, Shirley Spoonfed. Shirley?”

The shiny, discombobulated head of Shirley Spoonfed appears. The screen visually stutters as Shirley begins to speak in a blink-blink-mouth-open-mouth-close-blink show of animatronics not seen since the Disney “Hall of Presidents” was new.

Somewhere, Max Headroom cackles gaily.

“Thanks, Randolph! So nice to see you all! Ha ha! No, I can’t actually see any of you. That’s what makes that funny.”

A buzzing sound interrupts Shirley’s train of thought and we watch as she digs, off-screen, into what must be her jacket pocket. She surreptitiously checks her Blackberry. Smiling, her attention returns to the camera in front of her.

“Growth! We’re looking at partnershipping with our partners and making impactful impactments. We are on the rollercoaster ride of economic recovery here, people, and it’s our belief at Acme Grommets and Napkins that we go with it, that we all just throw our arms in the air and scream because this is our time! This is where we sell our products! From the data entry drudges to the guys with doors and suits, we’re seeking entry into more levels of more companies. This is where we drive for full-on client penetration!

“We’re partnering, we’re solutioning, we’re wreaking havoc with the English language and we are just so excited about it. Words like “spearhead”, “integral”, and “benchmark” will be used liberally going forward. References to “full plates” and what we can "bring to the table" will be made. We are energized, we are aligned, we are in full command of our corporate-based thought templates.”

Shirley beams brightly into the camera.

“Back to you, Randolph.”

Randolph T. Freakly’s head returns to the little square in the upper left-hand corner of the computer monitor. He looks a bit dazed.

“Thank you, Shirley. Always inspiring.”

A muffled comment – followed by a roomful of stifled guffaws – takes place somewhere to Randolph’s left. He waves an irritable hand in that direction.

“Well I guess that about covers it! So thank you, everyone, for taking time out of your day to attend this meeting. Now let's get out there! Go forth, do good work, and remember: while I make more money than any six of you put together, none of it would happen without your input. And for that, I thank you.

"As always, my door is always open.”

So concludes the Virtual Meeting.