Shh. You Hear That? The Cat's On The Phone Again.

I may be wrong – there’s been precedence set, after all – but I think Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is up to no good.

She entered the room the other morning, sat nonchalantly on her fuzzy, striped butt, and made an elaborate show of licking her back leg.

I knew immediately that something was afoot.

As a preface, I have to say that I’ve always known cats to be dangerous. Look at them, all precious and playful. They are fuzzy little bundles of cuteness, and yet if they got any bigger you wouldn’t be able to keep them in the house. They don’t need us, not really; and there’s something shifty about their ability to sleep 22 out of every 24 hours.

I'm actually a little jealous.

Lately, though, there have been mysterious phone calls on her cell phone in the middle of the night. She takes these calls in the bathroom, closing the door behind her and running the water. She knows that drives me crazy! I can’t imagine who’s on the other end. Who could it be? She never lets me see the bills, but I overheard her the other day telling the tortoiseshell next door that she was expecting a “communiqué” from Kuala Lumpur and that things were “about to go down”.

Last Friday, I came across her notebook – entirely in French. When did she learn French?

And when does she find the time to write?

What can I do? She’s paid through the end of the month, and everyone knows the laws are geared more toward the tenant than they are the landlord.

Look. I know it’s making me paranoid. I acknowledge this. But just what is it that’s “about to go down”? What’s in the communiqué? How long has this been going on, anyway? Honestly, I’ve been nothing but good to that cat, but then again I am also the one who insisted on having her spayed. Could she be holding that against me?

Could Liza Bean Bitey's spaying have become an international event?

No. This is bigger than that. Frankly, I’m thinking of hiring a food taster. I don’t think that would be out of line, do you? Do you think that –

Wait. What was that? Did you hear that?

The cat’s on the phone again.

I tell you, it sends shivers down my spine.